NeW JoB:
I am no longer a professional relationship enhancement advisor, I’m now a pop culture distribution agent. But I will still give relationship enhancement advice just as a non professional.
I've gone from pervs to nerds.
CHoCoLaTe:· The artist Bernice Wood, who lived to 105, attributed her longevity to chocolate and young men
· According to the National Sausage and Hot Dog Council, kids said they would eat chocolate sauce on their hot-dogs as long as their mom wasn’t watching.
· Supplementing the average diet with half and ounce of dark chocolate and four tablespoons of cocoa powder per day can have a healthy effect on blood cholesterol levels
· The Mayans had a fixed market rate on cocoa beans – you could get a rabbit for 10 beans, a slave cost 100 and a prostitute went from 8 to 10.
· According to experts the best time of the day for tasting chocolate is late morning (about 11am) and early evening (around 6pm) when your senses are most receptive
· A prestigious department store has set up the worlds 1st “chocolate cellar” where top class European chocolate is stored at carefully regulated temperature and humidity levels
· Chocolate triggers responses in the brain similar to marijuana, but you would have to eat 25 pounds of chocolate in 1 sitting
· Chocolate-opoly is a scrumptious version of everyone’s favorite property trading game where you collect chucks of chocolate and trade them for chocolate factories, if you don’t experience Death by Chocolate first.
· In 2003, fashion designer Jeff banks settled a dispute with Sainsburys, a leading UK food retailer. He received £1 million cash and a box of their chocolate truffles every week.
WoRDs:
Meralgia Paresthetica : burning or tingling sensation experienced by women when they wear hipsters.
(I wonder what if there’s a similar effect for highpants)
CoMiC STuFF:
The Boys.
Its an amazingly hilarious fucked up comic, its full of fucked up humour, sex and violence. I got the 1st tpb and laughed my arse off.
Chronicles Of Wormwood
A hilarious sacrilegious comic about Jesus (in his 2nd coming) and the AntiChrist being buddies who decide to fuck over their parents by not starting the apocalypse and letting humans decide their own fate.
Since I've been in my new job I've been going to the library a lot and getting out tpb’s (trade paper backs, a collections of comics in larger book form). I've been averaging 2 or 3 a week. Its nuts. The Spiderman/Xmen/Superhero sorta stuff I can finish in a couple of days, minimal dialogue, lots of action, but the stuff I really like is the stuff that takes me a week or 2 to read. I read Bone, it took me almost 2 months, it was worth it.
PHeRoMoNeS
I went out last night, I got a little drunk. Was an okay night, had a boogie or 2. a friend of mine saw an ex-root there. She wanted to go home with him cos he’s a good root, but didn’t cos he’s a knob. She was mega frustrated. When leaving at 6am she was thinking about going to his place. She was horny but knew if she went there she’d regret it. She didn’t end up going to his place. She went home. The strangest thing happened, we were hugging and she was telling me how tempted she was and all that sorta stuff. I said she could do what she wants but don’t cry on my shoulder afterwards. I’m sorta over that shit magnet thing women do. Go out with an arsehole then cry on the nice guys shoulder. Blah. I gave her a kiss goodbye and got in the taxi. When I got home I was sooooooo fucking horny, it was nuts. I watched a porno for a bit, got bored, but still horny, tried a wank but that wasn’t doing anything. I wanted to fuck. I think the girl was frustrated, horny and probably pumping out pheromones. I copped a big dose and when I got home it kicked in. lucky for me (sort of) I had been drinking. So I went to bed and crashed out within a few minutes. I’m still frisky now (it’s the next day) but the tiredness from the all nighter last night is keeping it at bay, sort of. bloody pheromones, they’re dangerous. If I actually had gone home with someone last night I probably would’ve hurt myself, like getting a bruise in a sensitive area, but hey, that’s another story for another time……
PRISM COMICS
I found a cool mag and its equally cool website
Its called Prism Comics, it’s the LGBT guide to comics. Its got cool reviews, interviews and the latest lgbt stuff in comics.
Stuff like the Queer year in review, with articles about queers in the latest comics, reviews of lgbt cartoonists and artists and an article on “the oldest joke in comics” the queerness of Batman and Robin. Its got an interview with the amazing artist Ismael Alvarez who’s art work has to be seen to be believed, its amazing.
SiCK
I've been sick lately, and it seems wherever I go someone else is too. I was given 2 different sorts of penicillin which did fuck all. So now I’m off all that shit and doing the occasional towel over the head sniffing eucalyptus vapors. My headaches are getting worse and I’m going for another mri soon. Bloody frustrating.
MrG’s TeXT:
“You suck, -… is emo. Sure got 100 issues of buffy but fuck intelligent works. Geez, maybe I should buy Blue Beetle, read it, then circle jerk with my 10 X-Men titles and 40 Spiderman cash-ins. Then shove a dc/marvel/image/dw/topcow crossover up my arse, but I cant cuz that’s where they buried captain america”
I got this comment cos he missed and issue of a comic he’s been buying and the shop I work at had sold out of them. It’s the quick and the dead in the world of comics, you snooze you lose mutha fucka.
MaCCaS NaSTYNeSS
I read recently that McDonalds has a secret burger, it’s the Double Pounder. For $13.85 you get 8 beef patties on a couple of buns. Many years ago when I ate maccas fries occasionally, a friend who worked at maccas slipped me a big mac for free into my order of large fries. I sat at the train station, sniffed it and peeled it apart, I threw the vegies to the seagulls, then tasted the beef. I have never tasted meat so vile before. It had an unnatural consistency and tasted like fuck knows what. I haven’t eaten maccas since 1999, and it was only cos there was nothing else available at the Bali airport when I was coming back from Ireland (I had fries and a sundae).
The thought of even attempting to eat 1 of their “meat” patties makes me ill, the idea that someone could eat 8 makes me wanna projectile vomit.
TaLLuLaH BaNKHeaD QuoTe
“If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner”
FeMaLe MaSTuRBaTioN
5 digit disco
checking the status of the I/O port
cleaning the fur coat
dialing 0 on the little pink telephone
pre-heating the oven
rubbin the nubbin
working in the garden
STRaNGe DReaMS
Lately I’ve had weird sexual dreams. I think I've had them before but cant remember much about them. An example was I woke and remembered having a dream about playing with a girls boobs, and fell back to sleep thinking horny thoughts. But hours later when I woke up to go to work I remembered that she was giving me a piggy-back ride when I grabbed her boobs. Weird. I know I've had a few dreams like this but I cant remember them. I wonder if other people get them.
DeFeNSe aGaiNST PSYCHiCS
If psychic mind reading powers were real what would they see/hear/feel in the mind of someone with a migraine. Would it be painful to them too? Could migraine sufferers be used a defense against psychics, as a sort of white noise defense.
PaiN & BRaiN TRaNSPLaNT
If brain transplants become standard procedure should the person who’s body being used be checked for any injury no matter how minute. Imagine if I hurt my leg when I was 10 and limped for a while but eventually I got used to the pain and the limping became 99% undetectable, then I have a injury 20 years later and become brain dead but my body’s okay. They transplant a new brain into my healthy body, the new person in my body wakes up in extreme pain in the place I was injured when I was 10. I got used to the pain eventually but the new persons brains been dumped in my body and hasn’t got used to the pain.
A SeLeCTioN FRoM ViZ’S PRoFaNiSauRuS
Arse Like A Tetley Teabag: description of a anus after a curry the night before, like when a teabag is suspended in mid air and boiling water is poured onto it and red hot steaming brown liquid comes out.
Cunt Candle: an outstanding idiot amongst men, one who stands out like a shining beacon of imbecility
FOFFOF: fair of figure, foul of face
Irish Alarm Clock: waking up early with horrific bowel movements caused by the 10 pints of Guinness the night before
Wankupuncture: the sell administered therapy that is believed to cure most ailments
Various things to say after a loud fart: Anybody injured? ; They’re firing sir, they’re firing! ; Keep shouting sir, we’ll find you ; speak up caller, you’re through ; a bit more choke and she would’ve started ; you’ll have to buy that now you’ve ripped it ; that’s working now try the light ; well struck sir ; speak on, sweet lips that never told a lie
THe iDeaL eNGiNe
A vagina!
Because it fits any size piston, it self lubricates, starts with 1 finger and does it own oil change every 4 weeks
You KNoW HoW i KNoW YouR GaY….or things about me now that my 16 year old self would’ve said I was a poof for
· I read the free local gay newspapers (they report a lot of stuff not in the “straight” media)
· I've been tied up to a cross in a nightclub and been whipped by a master
· I own some chaps ($25 in an opshop, what a bargain)
· I have queer comics & books
· I've read gay porn (I’m not going to avoid a story in a best erotic fiction book just cos its about cock sucking)
· One of my favourite vocalists is Jimmy Somerville (he has an amazing voice)
· I have gaydar (from many years of working in porn shops)
· I don’t want to breed (I come from a big family and also have problems with responsibility)
· I hate being called straight (it sounds like you’re boring and straight down the line)
I’m hetro but not a boring mortgage and marriage kinda guy, I like to get my freak on, and I feel comfortable in a queer setting. Some people spread rumors about me, but are too gutless to say it to my face. My problem is I’m both shy & extroverted, so people get mixed messages. They see me out socializing but never see me snogging some girl in the corner so their gossip hungry minds make up little stories. I would probably laugh in their face if they actually asked me and then explain unfortunately I’m hetro but I don’t mind if they want to keep their fantasy, cos hey, you gotta have something to think about when your having a wank.
SoMe oF MY FaVe QueeR FiLMS
The Celluloid Closet – very illuminating and funny too, I love the secret of Ben Hur
The Crying Game – thriller with humour and a touch of sadness. I love the end.
Gods and Monsters – another sad but cool film about a friendship between and old gay guy and a young straight guy
The Sum of Us – aussie film about a dad and his gay son, I remember a really straight guy say after watching it “I wish my dad was like that”
Better than Chocolate – a film about family and sexuality and life, cool canadian film.
GoFish – one of the first lesbian films I saw in the cinema, saw it with a friend, I've still got a my GoFish promo, a removable tattoo (wonder what id get for it on ebay) Brings up boundaries, who you fuck, and that feeling you get the morning after you get laid
Sick – a film about a guy who’s queerness is hetro but twisted. His search for pain with his mistress and his life with cystic fibrosis. Inspiring but sometimes painful to watch, especially when he nails his cock to piece of wood.
Even though its old, here’s the
Queers in 2005 comics according to prism comics:
Midnighter and Apollo in The Authority (great comic), sort of superman and batman style superheroes, who went underground, when they finally resurfaced they where a couple. There was a great part when Apollo was beating the crap out of some bad guy while the guy was calling him a poof, Apollo then left him at the mercies of midnighter, who was holding a jackhammer!
A comic called ExMachina touched on the topic of queer marriage, with the main character Mayor Hundred marrying 2 firemen cos he promised the fire department whatever they wanted after Sept 11.
In the excellent comic Runaways, Karolina who’s also coming to terms with her alien origin, comes out, but then finds out before they died her parents promised her in marriage to a Skrull (an alien) but luckily for her when she tells him she’s into girls he shape-changes into a her. gender doesn’t really matter to shapechangers.
Colossus came out, (in ultimate xmen #65) and was going to the prom with Northstar.
Catwoman was the big news that actually got into the newspapers (it must’ve been a slow news day)
