havent been bloggin' for while

whats been happening?
my health sucks, my brain sucks like a black hole
i recently went back to the hospital for yet another MRI, i got results months later, it turns out i have 2 new patches of white matter density changes.
my headaches had been getting worse, and now they (finally) think the brain problems are the reason for the headaches.
i recently had a lumbar puncture (spinal tap), the 1st attempt they fucked it up and hit a nerve a coupla times, that wasnt fun, so i had to come back the next day and get it done with the help of an xray, that was easy
i also got to see a small vial of my spinal fluid, its clear like water
the next 4 hours of laying on my back to prevent post puncture migraines sucked. i had a book and a magazine and still got bored, i counted the squares on the light above me, there was 666, it was satans light.
there was a guy in the oppsite bed who had prostate problems, pissing every 20 minutes for 3 hours, then he had a catheter, wasnt a nice thing to hear, especially when you need to piss
i had to give another few vials of blood a week or 2 later
now i gotta go back and get a spinal MRI (next week) and finally a week after that i get the results.
as usual itll probably be "we dont know"

more updates soon
G

MY aNNoYiNG BRaiN

Recently i was diagnosed with a mental illness, its not something as hardcore as bi-polar/schizophrenia so I don't have to take medication (thank fuck), but it's frustrating and annoying. I'm getting treatment and its under control.
My emotions seem to be out of whack. The thing that kicked it off was I was watching a funny film and I felt like crying, it was weird enough that I decided to go to the doctor. I've had emotional freak outs before, but I can usually pin point what caused it, this time nothing obvious set it off. I'm seeing a psychologist, and also meditating when I get a chance, cos it helps me calm down. The doc suggested medication but I wanna avoid that stuff. My emotions feel a bit raw and sensitive, everything seems to set me off.
When I describe it to female friends they say it sounds like PMS, that made me laugh.
I used to get frustrated with people with mental illness, I didn't understand it, I learnt some stuff from my flatmate who works with intellectual disabled people which helped. Now im one of them.
It can happen to anyone, it can happen without warning and it can happen to someone you know

DoGS
I met up with a friend and her dog today, the dogs a deaf blue healer.
It was the most relaxing, fun exercise ive had in ages. We hung out for an hour and a half and threw the ball around for the dog.
When i was a kid i was shit scared of dogs, even now i freak out around them. But when im with her and her dog i am so relaxed, other dogs can run up to me and i dont freak out in any way. its so cool.
thanks Ms. L

aRouSeD
tonight i went to a friends burpday at a bar, i hung out and chatted, drank and the usual stuff you do. i met a few cool people, there was one woman there i had a 5 minute reproductive rights conversation with, instead of the usual drunken small talk. it was great, i like having conversations like that after a few drinks, it forces my brain to think. ive forgotten her name already (as usual) but i wont forget her in a hurry.
to the woman who aroused my mind, if you ever read this, thanks, you rock!

aNoTHeR WeiRD DReaM
what the fuck is up with my dreams
last night i had a dream i stripped off and was running around naked in the back streets of fitzroy, then i was asking people who lived in houses, with no back fences and no back walls, if they had any spare clothes i could use, for some reason i knew they were all lesbians who didnt want to see my dick, they gave me a tshirt

if i eat late i have weird dreams, i like weird dreams

BReeDeR DReaMS
Last night i had another baby dream, this time a woman had given birth to 5 or 6 of my babies, they were genetically advanced hyper-babies, only a day old and they could already talk normally.
It was very freaky
Why am I having these dreams of babies?

DiSTuRBiNG DReaM
i like nightmares but sometimes i have dream that isnt scary but still freaks me out. i had a disturbing dream a few days ago
i was in a car with my dad (dead) and my brother (i think) and the car ended up driving into the yarra, as it sank i thought/said to wait till it hit the bottom and we could swim out. the water was crystal clear. it hit the bottom but then we started driving around under water. next thing i was walking around under water. i had trouble breathing, i then thought i must be dreaming walking around cos i was dying. i asked someone who looked like my sister if i was dreaming walking around because i was actually drowning.
she told me i wasnt going to die, (heres the scarey part) i was going to die 2 weeks after my 2nd child was born. then i woke up.
even though im hetor im a not a breeder, so im not sure what scared me the most, the death prediction or the idea that i was going to have 2 kids

aDVeRTiSiNG
I've seen a few ads on tv that tweak my brain
1 is a footy player telling kids to not be couch potatoes and go outside and play sport. but hes standing in the park wearing a suit. the guy look so uncomfortable in the suit and looks weird playing with his tie and top button done up. they should've just had him in his footy clothes, what kid listens to a guy in a suit.
another ad is for fernwood women's gyms. Its got a woman waiting to use a exercise bike, a fat sweaty guy gets off the bike she is going to use, and leaves a seat covered in arse sweat, pretty gross. It then shows a fernwood gym, with a personal trainer and its all nice a clean. what a crock, fat people are everywhere, i think that fernwood gyms would probably have more fatties than a normal gym because the larger women would go there cos of their body issues.

THaNKS
I drank too much on my birthday
I have to thank MsK for looking after me, you're a good friend

THaR SHe BLoWS
Last night i broke my fast, twice during the week i stopped myself from going to far but i was tired, too horny and couldnt sleep, i gave in and did it, it was a gusher, lots of icky sticky

NeW GLaSSeS
Ive got new glasses, theyre pissing me off. Theyre bi-focals and i cant seem to get the reading part at the bottom to focus on what im doing. Theyre supposed to take a few weeks to get used to. Yet another annoying part of getting old


nice view

WeeK 1

No semen will leave my body unless its taken from me by another person or if it decides to leave while I'm asleep
Its been a week and half since I decided not to wank or have sex. Being single its easy to give up sex, especially with a face like mine. But the wanking bits harder than I thought, during the days easy, I'm at work. its the mornings that's a problem, the old wake up with a stiffy situation and when your half asleep you do stuff without thinking. i have resisted.
2 weird things happened since i decide to stop. in the 1st week i had a dream about someone i hadn't seen for over 10 years, telling me she was gagging for a root, i woke up confused and a little horny. then a few days later i woke up with a raging horn that wouldn't go down, i was tempted but eventually fell back to sleep.
you are probably wondering why I'm doing this. Ive done it before, i lasted almost 3 months. This time I'm doing it for a few different reasons but mainly I'm doing it just because i can.

BaBY iNFo aBouT Me

MtWaverley infant welfare centre booklet
Weight at birth- 8.8½
Head – Chest – Abdomen – Length
1st visit – 16 – 15 – 13 6/8 – 23
3 months – 16 6/8 – 15 – 14 7/8 – 24 7/8
6 months – 18 4/8 – 17 – 15 4/8 – 27 6/8
Infection Diseases
Chicken Pox – 16 months
Mumps – 3 years 5 months
German Measles – 5 years
Immunized during 1st year, polio, triple antigen & measles

MY FuTuRe SuX
Here is why the future sux
I have spent a large part of my life unemployed and not spending much time in jobs, but I've only been sacked from a 3 jobs, 2 from when I was in my early 20s and didn’t really care. I’ll never be able to afford to own a house, I've never earned big bucks in any job, my super will probably run out after I pay off the bond on my final retirement rental if the rental market keeps on rising. If the pension still exists I might be able to some better than some people cos of my experiences of living on the dole.
I've heard the pension will not exist when I retire, if that’s true I will use what little money I have to get to Canberra and start the pensioner tent embassy on the lawns of parliament house.

aNGRY YouTH
Lately all I hear in the media is the problems of youth, drinking, violence, etc, etc. If I had to live with no job security, a housing market out of my price range, ever increasing petrol and food prices, no ozone layer, a fucked environment, and no pension at the end of it all, I wouldn’t blame them for not giving a shit

RooTiNG RuiNeD
I was known as the park porker many years ago. No, I'm not a visitor of beats, it was an exaggeration of rooting the same girls in 2 different parks, one in the burbs somewhere (our 1st root) and the other at the back of the park in greville st behind a park bench (our last root).
Now with cameras popping up everywhere for out safety and lighting increased, where will the random public rooters go. It will be less random cos it’ll be harder to find a dark corner for a quickie. But I suppose when there’s a will there’s a way, just gotta keep one eye out so we don’t give the security guys a free show

WHY I LiKe WiNTeR
I like to walk in the fog, I like to walk in the winter sun, I like to walk down st.kilda pier and just stare out over the water while sitting on the rocks, absorbing the view and enjoying the peace. Its really nice during on weekday when most people are at work/school.

PeNGuiN PiSS
A few years ago I went for a walk down to the end of st kilda pier with a friend late one night. I needed to take a piss so walked over to the rocks at the end of it to relieve myself. When I was about to let it go a penguin squawked, so I moved to another spot, another squawk, it happened 4 times, I gave up and decided to wait till I got back the beach. I suppose I wouldn’t be too happy if someone was about to piss on my house, or maybe they just saw my worm and got hungry.

FeaR
I have a fear of deep water and of heights. Its not a total freak out cant move fear, just an adrenaline buzz fear. If I stood on the top of a really high wall that had really deep water below it, would I get a double adrenaline buzz?

CHiCKeN
My main meat source is chicken, a habit I picked up while traveling through the uk and ireland during the mad cow scare. I was wondering if you replaced cattle with an equal meat amount of chickens, not battery hens, free roaming chickens, how much space would it take up?

SWeaTY CoMeDiaN
I bought 4 videos from and op shop for $2 each, they’re all live performances of the uk comedian Lee Evans. He’s mega hyper and pretty funny. The most disturbing part of his performances is how sweaty he gets. He usually wears dark blue suits, and as the show goes on the patches of sweat get bigger and bigger, the back of his suit look like 2 angel wings, and eventually ends up dark blue from sweat, his arms and bum are soaked in sweat too. Once you notice it, its hard not to see. I would hate to see him after the show, I hope his dressing room has a shower, if he plays multiple shows he must own a few suits, his dry cleaning bill must be huge. Id hate to get anywhere near his luggage if he has to go straight from one gig in one town to another town, it would reek.

a GaLaXY oF GueRiLLa GaRDeNiNG
I recently heard about the guerrilla gardening method of seed bombing. Its where you make a ball of seeds, fertilizer and dirt and throw it into an area that’s hard to get to, if your lucky the seeds take root and eventually there’s flowers growing in a place that was barren.
I had the idea of mining an asteroid, then fill the empty shell with seeds, water and fertilizer. Chuck a few cameras, sensors and maybe some rockets to propel it. Then send it off on a journey to a planet that is capable of life but there is none, aim it toward a area most likely for the seed to survive, then smash it into the planet. The explosion would send up clouds of seeds, dirt, fertilizer and water into the atmosphere. If all goes well, by the time a ship with people on it gets to the planet there should be plant life.
Its also a good way to get rid of the excess of methane producing ozone depleting cow shit and if the ship taking it into orbit blows up it just means the nearby gardens would be nice that year

WHaT To Do?
What do you do if there’s a side of you that you’d like to let out more often, but when you do he sometimes goes too far? Is he the real me? It feels good when he’s in control. I like this me, he usually pops up when I’m tired, sometimes drunk, or both. Have I been holding back and should I let him loose, and how do I keep control? Should I even worry about keeping control, isn’t that the point of letting him out, to lose control.
I've been living for too long in fear, maybe it time for him to take the reigns for while cos, in the words of the butthole surfers, its better to regret something you have done that to regret something you haven’t done.

BRaSS MoNKieS oN THe BeaCH
A few years ago a friend came around out of the blue in the middle of the week, we had a bunch of booze and got bored. So we went for a wander down to st kilda beach at about 3-4 am (I’m not sure exact time). We went out onto the end of the small pier, the tide was out so the water wasn’t deep and we could see all the little fishes. She suddenly had a great idea, lets strip off, skinny dip back to shore and then streak back to our clothes. Sounds fun, in summer maybe, this was mid august, fucking cold. I thought about it but didn’t really want to do it.
Then I stepped in poo, human poo, some dirty fucker had taken a shit at the end of the pier. In a bad mood I walked back to the beach to wash off my shoe, but at the same time sort of relieved for an excuse not to freeze my nuts off.
Got back to shore, washed off my shoe and we kept walked down the beach some more. Then we got the urge again and we both stripped off to out underwear and went into the water. Holy fuck, it was cold, I got to just past my knees and couldn’t feel my toes, I was scared that if my nuts touched the water they’d disappear into my body and my penis would become something resembling a button. After that quick dip, we got out, put our clothes back on and walked a little bit further, then she decided to go in.
She stripped off to nothing and jumped in, I stood on the shore freezing, laughing and hoping she didn’t fuck up and id have to go in to save her. eventually she came out of the water, walked over to the open shower facilities beside the path. I minded her clothes as she showered off the sand. A guy on his bike went past (its around 5am) and did a double take, but thankfully kept on going. He’d have story to tell later that day.
Eventually we set off for my place, then the complaining started, I cant feel my toes, I’m cold, etc. I told her the 5 minute walk back to the flat would warm her up and get her circulation going. We got back to the flat, she had a hot shower, and we crashed out in my bed in a weird drunken state, sobered up by the cold, but re-drunked by the warmth of a shower and a bed.
It was fun. She lives with her boyfriend now.
I need more random stupid fun stuff like that.

aNDReW DiCe CLaY iS a DouCHeBaG
i recently got a rodney dangerfield dvd collection, which was pretty cool even though most of it was 80s tv specials and him doing jokes before as an intro between other comedians.
andrew dice clay comes on, wearing the most ridiculous 80s belt, it looked like a mini-wrestling trophy belt, he does his usual sexist jokes and stuff, mildly amusing, but at the end he gets all twitchy and starts bitching about the "japanese" who own the corner shops, how they aint people and speak gibberish, then he ends his bit saying that there should be a sign at the airport that says if you dont speak the language get the fuck out. ive shown a few friends, they laugh at the earlier stuff but just sit there at the end in a sort of weird shock. i mean most people say that the shop owners are probably korean or vietnamese, not japanese, and he gets all twitchy just before he does his rant, he is a coked up racist 80s douchebag

MY BRaiN iS FuCKeD

my memory is turning to shit, fucking dehydrated brain

FouND @ eRoS BLoG
link on right -->

where is arnies ring finger??
dirty fucker!!

SKooL RePoRT
in grade 3 a teacher said this about my oral expression
"very good, inclined to go off the track"
if you know me, you may have giggle about that cos you know nothings changed

QuoTe BY HoWaRD JoNeS (80s pop star)
Sometimes id like to
Go to bed with a
Hundred women or men and
Lose my mind in
Lust and drink and to
Hit some people into feeling good

I found it on an old letter from a friend, I like it.

OLD TaPeS
I've recently been finding plastic drawer for holding audio tapes in. I've got heaps, I like to listen to them occasionally, especially the mix tapes I made for parties. Some tracks are shockers, but some are great. Eventually when I get a proper computer up and running ill try and download, illegally of course, some of the really cool stuff that I taped off the radio or lost the records I taped them from. But even then ill probably do the hoarder thing and stick the tapes in boxes, eventually to be confuse my nephews and nieces and then thrown out or sold to a museum when I die.

MoNDaY NiGHT TV
I've been getting into the Monday night sbs shows. I got into Skins straight away, sorta caught bits and pieces of Sinchronicity and towards the end liked it a lot, and got into the later series of Shameless. Good escapism, bloody funny and strangely captivating

QuoTeS
“When a woman becomes a scholar there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs”
Nietzsche

“Christ cannot possibly have been a jew. I do not have to prove that scientifically. It is a fact”
Goebbels

“I do not consider Hitler to be as bad as he is depicted. He is showing an ability that is amazing and seems to be gaining his victories without much bloodshed”
Gandhi, 1940

“Bees are generated from decomposing veal”
Saint Isidore of Seville, 7th century

WeiRD & uSeLeSS FaCTS
- On the 25th of January 1979, in an industrial accident at the Ford Motor Company’s factory in Michigan, Robert Williams became the 1st human being to be killed by a robot
- The translation for the South American Feugian word ‘mamihlapinatapai’ means roughly ‘staring at each other hoping that the other person will volunteer to do something which both people would like but which each is not willing to do’

GooD GoD
And the lord spake unto the philosopher, ‘I am the lord thy god, and I am the source of all that is good. Why does thy secular moral philosophy ignore me?’
And the philosopher spake unto the lord, ‘To answer I must first ask you some questions. You command us to do what is good. But is it good because you command it, or do you command it because it is good?’
‘Its good because I command it’ said the lord.
‘The wrong answer, surely, your mightiness! If the good is only good because you say it is so, then you could, if you wished, make it so that torturing infants was good. But that would be absurd, wouldn’t it?’
‘Of course!’ replieth the lord. ‘I tested thee and thou hast made me pleased. What was the other choice again?’
‘You choose what is good because it is good because it is good. But that shows quite clearly that goodness does not depend on you at all. So we don’t need to study god to study the good.’
‘Even so,’ spake the lord, ‘You’ve got to admit I’ve written some pretty good textbooks on the subject…..’

from the book The Pig that Wants to be Eaten (source: Euthyphro by Plato. 380 bce)

LoNeLY
i gotta not watch Rom-Com films on a saturday night.
im tired from a week of work, i end up seeing a bit of it and are too buggered to change the channel, so i watch the rest as a no-brainer. at the end of the happy happy film im depressed cos im single, it sux. i gotta watch an action/scifi film cos then my brain starts working and i go nutty on theories and ideas for an hour or 2, and i get that weird kid like mindset after the film like i was in the film
fuck rom-coms, only time im gunna watch them is if im with a girl cos then if its shit ill just get frisky and we got an excuse to turn of the the tv.
i am so alone

What was supposed to happen according to:
The Sunday Times - Chronicle of the Future
2000
- Amazonian tribes take biotech giant to court claiming theft of indigenous knowledge after they patent several plants known by natives to have medicinal or biological advantages
- The biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorrah found under the dead sea
- Killer dodges death row after experimental operation to send to tiny electrical impulses into part of brain thought to control or inhibit violent impulses
- Lord Lucan’s body found, preserved in ice, in Himalayas
2001
- NBC highest rating channel is War Channel, using unmanned aerial vehicles to capture scenes of death and destruction
- Outbreak of obsessive compulsive disorder thought to be caused by virus
- Artificial neurons developed to replace dying brain cells
- Zsa Zsa Gabor dies
2002
- Brain damage patient cured with injection of prepared brain tissue, grown in lab, injected into brain
- US and Japan send spacecraft to asteroid only 1km in diameter
- Christopher reeves walks again after use of methylprednisolone, a steroid, and transplanted tissue
- Genetically engineered bacteria used to extract gold by separating ore from rock
- Police use vests made from same material as spider webs but grown by bacteria
- Another bacteria used to dispose of waste at nuclear power plants
- Smokers can be inoculated against nicotine using new drug that attaches itself to nicotine molecules making them too big to pass through blood/brain barrier, thus no buzz
- Cinemas open small rooms for groups to watch film while being served restaurant quality food
- India and Pakistan conflict again over Kashmir
- 1st virtual classroom, using multiple projectors and motion sensors, takes kids on a tour of the human heart
- Prince harry renounces his place in succession
- Cannabis approved from medicinal use in UK
2003
- Viagra successor made using genetically engineered linseed, thus creating price lowering of Viagra
- Rugby players wearing tiny cameras mounted on headband and tiny heli-cams give viewers all new view of game
- Civil war erupts in Russia, small nukes used, thus causing nearby Asia to have a cold summer, which effects crops
- Spielberg quits to concentrate on low budget documentaries
- Wristwatch telephone reads out emails and lets you dictate replies
2004
- Scientists ecstatic over pictures returned from Titan, Saturn’s giant moon.
- Worlds tallest building, the 120-storey Grollo Tower in Melbourne is 1,873ft high
- Human Genome Project completed
- Pope Ignatius visits former home in Austria
- Barbara Cartland dies
- Microchips embedded in trees in London
2005
- Planck probe sends maps universe background radiation and works out what universe looked like when it was a trillionth of a trillionth of a trillionth of a second old
- Diamond chips to replace silicon chips in computers
- Slobodan milosevic assassinated in Belgrade
- Scotland declares independence
- Water recycling washing machine on sale
- New Barbie released with speech recognition, infrared link to computer and ability to chat
- South African president calls on ban of all nuclear weapons within 5 years, Australia, Mexico, Sweden, Japan and south Africa sign up
- Saddam Hussein dies
2006
- Former-prince harry marries Sarah Bocking in Brighton register office
- Actors Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis feared dead in earthquake in Los Angeles
2007
- Baby born from saved egg from a previously miscarried baby, mum actually grandmother
- On 10th anniversary of Hong Kong’s hand over to china, protesters are wounded and a few killed at protests calling for independence
- Michael Schumaker retires
- Idi Amin dies after a stroke
- Popular fashion: self cleaning shirts, temperature changing fashion, tv display glasses, videophone cufflinks and voice recognition credit-card wallets
2008
- Heat wave causes chaos in London after temperatures of over 35C for 5 consecutive days
- Japanese lunar probe, partly funded by Disney, returns to earth with 8.6kg of helium-3
- Mike Tyson dies in street brawl in Los Angeles
- UK soap opera Eastenders finishes
- Factory that makes artificial organs for transplants opens

Ye oLDe TrouBLe MaKeRS
From the book :
The Centenary Collection
Melbourne Town
A Boom City In Old Australia

Larrikins in Swanston Street, c. 1880
Larrikins like the pair pictured in Swanston Street in 1880 were aggressive groups of young (mostly) men (there were some female ‘larrikinesses’), who often took to causing trouble by jostling people in crowds and starting fights, picking trouble with police, raiding pubs for free drinks, causing affrays at the football and generally behaving like the bodgies and widgies of a later era. They became fashion-concious later in the 1880’s, affecting tight pants, and became better organised inot suburban and sub-suburban larriking ‘gangs’ – who frequently fought each other.

< after reading that I realise the more things change the more they stay the same >

DiD You KNoW:
- Many years ago the Argus newspaper described Young & Jackson’s Hotel as a place of “stale beer, tobacco and choice language”.
- The designer of Luna Park T.H. Eslick’s visit to India may have been the inspiration for Luna park’s Mr Moon and the Mogul/Moorish entrance facade.

iRiSH CuRSeS
axe the back of me sack – please rephrase the question to the back of my scrotum. eg “ya want the remote control do ya? Well, you can axe the back of me sack”
up the highest hole of yer jacksie – you can keep your ideas to yourself, eg “hold that thought and stick it up the highest hole of yer jacksie”
shitehawk – a dishonest person
whoring bottlesquatter – someone who’s a bit pervy
face like a slide in shit – not much of a looker

HiGHLY ReCoMMeNDeD ReaDiNG
The Porn Report by Alan McKee, Katherine Albury & Catharine Lumby
A comprehensive examination of consumption and production of porn in Australia.
Its goes into everything about porn, its history, its myths, the consumers and makers of it, feminism, pedophilia, ethics, and the effects of it. A very enjoyable and eye opening book that should sell a lot for its contents, not just its name.

KNiCKeR aTTaCK
Lanna Action for Burma. A pressure group based in thailand that seeks to topple the dictatorship of General Than Shwe’s junta, has called for supporters to “post, deliver or fling” womens underwear to/at their nearest Burmese embassy. “The Burma military regime is not only brutal but very superstitious” states the pressure groups website “They believe that contact with a womans panties or sarong can rob them of their power”
Fortean Times - March 2008

STRaNGe FaNTaSY QueSTioNS
Like most people I store the memory of people I think are sexy in my brain to be used later for fantasies, usually while having a wank. Ive heard that part of thehbarin being known as the Wank Bank. A good time to access this part of my brain is when I wake up to early and cant quite get back to sleep, most probably with a morning glory too. Something strange happened recently happened on a day off. I didn’t have to get up so I drfieted in and out of sleep, sometimes acessing the Wank Bank in my brain for pleasant thoughts. Eventually I got out of bed and went for my usual day off dingos breakfast (a piss and look around). While urinating I realised that one woman I sometimes include in my fantasies (including that morning) has only ever popped up in threesomes or group things. Ive never had a one on one fantasy with her.
I wonder why that is? Why have I never fantasized about her alone? Why is she the person my brain thinks would be most likely to start a threesome? Why is this person only a group sex fantasy for me? After realising this itll be funny to see how my brain reacts next time I see her.

SoRe uPPeR-BuM/LoWeR-BaCK
Met up with a friend in the city, sat on steps of old builidng and chatted for ages before going off together for something to eat. I think I bruised my cocyx from sittting on the concrete steps. Its annoyingl

SKooL iS SHiT

WHY MY BLoG iS SHiT

i have no computer at home, i think up great stuff to put on my blog but then get to the net cafe and my mind is blank. FUCK

MY BuRPDaY

i was thinking i might have a cuddle party for my birthday later in the year

A Cuddle Party is an event designed with the intention of allowing people to experience non-sexual group physical intimacy through cuddling. Cuddle Parties are described by organizers as "workshop/social-events" that gives adults an opportunity to "give and receive welcomed affectionate touch in a no-expectation, friendly setting, according to your needs, desires, interests, and boundaries." Cuddle Parties are described as non-sexual events but kissing may occur at some parties.[1]

A Cuddle Party is a group experience, while the one-on-one analog is a cuddlebuddy relationship

According to the Cuddle Party web site, the rules of Cuddle Party are as follows:

-Pajamas stay on the whole time.
-You must ask permission and receive a verbal "yes" before you touch anyone. (Be as specific in your request as you can.)
-You don't have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever.
-If you're a yes, say yes. If you're a no, say no.
-If you're a maybe, say no.
-You are encouraged to change your mind from a yes to a no or a no to a yes anytime you want.
-Respect your relationship agreements and communicate with your partner.
-Get your Cuddle Lifeguard On Duty or Cuddle Caddy if you have a question or concern or need assistance with anything during the Cuddle Party.
-Tears and laughter are both welcome.
-Respect people's privacy when sharing about Cuddle Party and do not gossip.
-Arrive on time.
-Be hygienically savvy

LuCKY BiTCH

a friend of mine is on the cover and has an article about her in total tattoo magazine, lucky bitch

FeCKLeSS RoGueS
my sis sent me the 2nd series of Podge & Rodge's chat show, its a fecking hilarious irish tv show.
if you dont know what it is look it up on youtube & wikipedia

BaDeSCHiFF
The yarra need one of these...

The Badeschiff (in English, "bathing ship") is an old barge or cargo container that has been converted into a public swimming pool in Berlin, Germany. Beached on the shoreline in the East Harbour section of the River Spree, the Badeschiff allows citizens to swim in a safe and sanitary environment in their river, at least in a figurative sense. The Spree itself is far too polluted to permit safe bathing.
The Badeschiff opened in the summer of 2004 as an art project organized by the Stadtkunstprojekte (City Art Project Society) of Berlin. It was created by local artist, Susanne Lorenz, to enliven city life along the long-neglected Spree.
The pool was converted from the hull of a vessel measuring eight by thirty-two metres. It is open to the public daily from 8am to midnight. Disc jockeys commonly spin records outside the pool entrance where there is also a bar

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Badeschiff



....it's clothing optional and by that I mean no-one is wearing any clothes, so if you're weird about that then this place is not for you.

PaC SKuLL

THe PeNiS GaMe
All you have to do is add or substitute the title of a well-known film/title with the word "penis" and off you go

2 Fast 2 Penis
28 Penises Later
A Few Good Penises
All Quiet on the Penis Front
An Officer and a Penis
Bedknobs and Penises
Crouching Tiger Hidden Penis
Die Hard: With a Penis
Dude, Where's My Penis
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Penis
Honey I Shrunk the Penis
Good Morning Penis
Good Night Mr Penis
How To Lose A Penis in 10 Days
I Know Where You(r) Penis Was Last Summer
I Spit on Your Penis
James and the Giant Penis
Joseph and the Amazing Technicoloured Penis
Lara Croft: Penis Raider
My Best Friend's Penis
My Super Ex Penis
Not Another Teen Penis
One Fine Penis
Penisjuice
Penis-spotting
Penis Never Dies
Romancing the Penis (Alexia Drew)
Sleeping with the Penis
Sliding Penises
Some Like Penis Hot
Stop! Or My Penis Will Shoot
Teenage Mutant Ninja Penis
The Attack of the 50 Foot Penis
The Girl with a Pearl Penis
The Good, The Bad and The Penis
The Hand That Rocks the Penis
The Long Penis Goodnight
The Lord of the Penis: Fellowship of the Ring
The Never Ending Penis
The Passion of The Penis
The Penis Hunter
The Penis Reloaded
The Penis Rising
The Penis That Couldn't Shoot Straight
The Penis Trap
The Pink Penis
The Talented Mr Penis
The Wrong Penis
Three Men and a Little Penis
Vanilla Penis
When a Man Loves a Penis
White Penises Can't Jump
Willy Wonker and the Penis Factory
X-Penises: The Final Stand


Ways to say vagina....
ginie, vagina, pussy, bearded clam, vertical smile, beaver, cunt, trim, hair pie, bearded ax wound, tuna taco, fur burger, cooch, cooter, punani, snatch, twat, lovebox, box, poontang, cookie, fuckhole, love canal, flower, nana, pink taco, cat, catcher's mitt, muff, roast beef curtains, the cum dump, chocha, black hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, cock warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, love hole, deep socket, cum craver, cock squeezer, slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit, hatchet wound, honey pot, quim, meat massager, chacha, stinkhole, black hole of calcutta, cock socket, pink taco, bottomless pit, dead clam, cum crack, twat, rattlesnake canyon, bush, cunny, flaps, fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy, gash, glory hole, grumble, man in the boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, pink, piss flaps, the fish flap, love rug, vadge, the furry cup, stench-trench, wizard's sleeve, DNA dumpster, tuna town, split dick, bikini bizkit, cock holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat, grassy knoll, cold cut combo, Jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips, where Uncle's doodle goes, altar of love, cupid's cupboard, bird's nest, bucket, cock-chafer, love glove, serpent socket, spunk-pot, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane, stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, nookie, sugar basin, sweet briar, breakfast of champions, wookie, fish mitten, fuckpocket, hump hole, pink circle, silk igloo, scrambled eggs between the legs, black oak, Republic of Labia, juice box, Golden Palace, fetus flaps, skins, sausage wallet. Holiest of Holies, sugar hole, The Death of Adam, home plate, Deer Hoof, Golden Arches, Cats Paw, Mule Nose, Yo Yo Smuggler, Mumbler (Aussie), Dinner Roll, Crotch Waffle, Piss Fenders, crack, Melvin, Dove Breast, Brakepads, Vedgie, Slurpy, Vacuum Vulva, Pastrami Flaps, Hot Tamaki Walk, Buffalo Gums, Rooster Jaws, Wagon Ruts, Beaver Teeth, Mumble Pants (Sweden), Ninja Boot, Marcia (Aussie), Skin Canoe, Fatty, Mossy Jaw, The Big W, Chia Hole, Lip Jeans, Beetle Hood, Hungry Minge, Sausage Wallet, Front Bottom, Welly Top, Frum, Pancake Fold, Tongue Roll, Bologna Flap-Over, Furrogi (Poland), Fortune Nookie (China), Bearded Taco, Calamari Cockring, Displabia, Slot Pocket, Bluntfrunt, Fishamjig, Pole Magnet, Pocket Pie, Clamarama, kitty cage, Chicken's tongue, Conch shell, Crack of heaven, Dog's mouth, Door of life, Fly catcher, Fruit cup, Jelly roll, Lobster pot, bunny tuft, KNISH, her asshole neighbor, lotus, nappy dugout, moneymaker, womens weapon, tackle box, bone hider, red sea, pizzo, JIZZ RECEPTICLE, The Helmut Hide-A-Way, hairy heaven, furry 8 ball rack, crave cave, arbys with fur, fish canyon, toolshed, snake charmer, Furby, Enchilada of love, Ham sandwich, Camarillo brillo, Brazilian caterpillar, dick rack, boy in the canoe, flesh tuxedo, Mound of Venus, queef quarters, Venus butterfly, cooter, cream canal, poontang pie, wet mark, private area, thresher, punash, salami garage, tunnel of love, slurpee machine, pink cookie, penalty box, ground zero, meat crease, bait, birth canal, holy grail, pole hole, pork pie, fuzz bucket, one-eyed python trail, bubble gum by the bum, stink rink, theme park, saloon doors, pink truffle, bitter & twisted, burger bar, meat counter, temperamental ringpiece, python syphon, big bud, the Wombsday Book, the condo downstate, snake lake, the indoor barbecue, pound cake, beef tomato, tickled pink, launch pad, horn of pl enty, the indoor picnic, hamper of goodies, flapped bap, bonefish, close encounter with the turd kind, sperm bank, man's charity bash, bush tucker, midnight dip, the one-door vulva, the welcome opponent, the Twatlantic Ocean, temporary lodgings, field of dreams, bean, cooze, old catchers mitt, devil's hole, lucy, pish buffet, pooswaa, poonaner, davey jones locker, pink panther, tinker bell, south mouth, dick eater, wonder bread, wolly bolly, foxhole, hot pocket, head catcher, Lawrence of A Labia, silk funnel, dick driver, purple people penis eater, meat curtains, ponchita, cherry pop tart, fat rabbit, scunt, pee jaws, mingus, The Notorious V.A.G., stench trench, poon jab, nappy dugout, babyoven, penis parking, cooter muffin, the promised land, cock pocket, cha cha, the shrine, bitch ditch, fury pink mink, mammal hole, ever-lasting cum stopper, the toothless blow job, happy flappy, wilt chamberlian's daily glove, the code defierthe salt water taffy factory, mommy's pie, the easy bake oven, the deflower patch, the virginator, the schlong sucker, the dea bone patch, the vegitarian's temptation, the vegan store, the blow hole, the pump protector, bag pipe, Spitball Bullseye, meat wagon, pickle stinker, jezebel's smell, yoni, willys haven, scrumpter, peach, sweat box, yeast pocket, penis warmer, tampon tunnel, penis pothole, cucumber canal, egg drop Box, sperm shack, dick dungeon, cock curator, b.o.b.'s bungalow, mommy parts, tuna pot pie, nice slice, peter vise, cock sock, rack of clam, peters grove, penis purse, grandest canyon, fish dish, banana box, tuna spread, pink portal, count fapula, red river gorge, happy valley, revolving in/out door, baby zipper, richards house THATSMYDADSNAME, stop-n-pop, bone polisher, packin shack, weiner wrap, clap trap, camel toe, dildo hotel, axe gash, pearl hotel, sea food six pack, clam canal, coose canal, dick deposit, wand waxer, vidgie, erie canal, candy kiss, gauntlet, round mound of beehound,lick n' stick, lap flounder, tomahawk chop, chin-chin, pachinko, cuntry pie, lip tip, the big casino, one eyed worm hole, amazon forest, cock cave, fuckdonut, coochie pop, babby, wet seal, pissy froth hole, bald biscuit, the unmentionable, mans ruin, peeshie, hairy potter, courtney cocksleve, panty hamster,deep pink, jaws of life, gizmo, faith, cock magnet, slippery slide, Meat tunnel, pink heaven, squid, dick basket, hot spot, poochika, pudding, bowl, love cave, squeeze-box, quim, honey pot, the bone collector, goodie basket, depository, pink turtleneck, bread-box, little debbie, pole hole, pandora's box,snail tracker, cuntzilla, homebase, pud pocket, bear trap, indian bones and the temple of poon, chanch, big montana, noochie, choot, golden valley, nappy roots, dick mitten, mystical fold


HaiRY NiPPLe

ViRGiNiTY
oh shit!!!!
i just found the women who i lost my virginity with, on FACEBOOK!
she now lives in new york and is a bit of a socialite
i put in a friend request and sent her an old pic and a recent pic, i wonder if she accepts.

DoDGY CoMiC PiCS?




fnar fnar!

CoiNS CoiNS CoiNS
i was given a task of not spending $2 coins for six months, any $2 coin i got was not legal tender to me and i was not to spend it. i put them all in a unopenable money box. i opened it after 6 onths and i had $382. im using some of it to buy a bottle of tequila for NYE, not sure what im doing with the rest, maybe i should get another piercing or another tattoo.
ill probably just leave it and start again on Jan 1st, without such rigid rules. i cheated a few times and asked shops for change in $1 coins and a couple of times when i was drunk i spent a coin or 2. but 99% of them went into the money box when i got home.

SeXToY iDeaS
i think somone should make a buttplug with a hipflask inside it. itd be a great way to sneak booze into a club. they could call it a buttflask.
it could also be used in kinky scenes with someone drinking shots out of anothers buttflask.

i think someone should make a strap-on candle. itd be great for phallic wax play, shaking it all spreading wax all over the place, sorta like what boys do anyway.

how about a strap on boozeholder, something that can be strapped on but hold drinks in it. make someone kneel before you to get their vodka shots straight from your groin

ReTaiL HeLL
i just survived the hell that is retail at xmas. non stop customers for hours. it sucked. i have 3 days off then back for boxing day. thank fuck its not this busy until next xmas.
a work mate said "if xmas wasnt so random people could plan in advance and buy early"

PeRV BeFoRe HiS TiMe
I watched the film about bob crane (hogan from hogans heroes) called AutoFocus.
I felt sorry for the guy, he liked to take photos of naked women and tape his rootings. Big woop de do!
If he was around now, hed be bigger than that rich waste of space paris hilton, but cos he was 20 years to early then he was condemned as a pervert.
Poor bugger.

MaZZA
i went to marilyn manson last night, was okay but didnt quite satisfy. a friend described it as a "best of & singles" show, which was about right
i saw at least 3 kids there under 8 years old, 2 on shoulders another as i was leaving, one was around 6-7, had on industrial earmuffs and had black smudgy eyeliner on, pretty cool. another didnt have the ear muffs but was goung mental on the shoulders of the person he was sitting on, pretty cool (again). id love to see the reaction of their little friends when they ask what they did on the skool holidays

eMo STiNK
this summwer the emo kids will know the funky smell of tight black pants on a summers day, but lucky fore them and unlucky for us they have the hipster pants butt crack effect for an anal exhaust.

aNaL LiMeRiCK
“I like anal sex, if you please”
Said Ginger while down on her knees
“I’m firm and I’m tight,
I’m an utter delight!
And I promise that I won’t cut the cheese!”

QueSTioNS
if you watch some porn from 100 years ago is it a sort of necrophilia cos the people in it are dead now?

if youve seen one of the many pictures of lindsay lohans shaven genitalia, then watched a film with her in it before she hit puberty, if your mind has the image of her hairless vadge post puberty which would look similar to her pre pubescent pre-hair vadge, is it a form of pedophilia?

BiBLiCaL DoNKeY DiCK

She was infatuated with their male prostitutes, whose members were like those of donkeys and whose seed came in floods like that of stallions. — Ezekiel 23:20

(from eros blog) link



THieViNG BiRD
He only steals Zesty Cheese doritos, has taken 20 bags (!!) in just a few weeks, and "he gives me the look every time he comes in" says Philip McCall, store employee of the shop in Aberdeen Scotland

if anyone is readin this who wants to make a comment
im sorry the comment ability is acting really strange
i have no idea why but am trying to fix it

The following entries may contain too much information if you know me
You have been warned
Its mostly about fucking!

HeaDaCHe CuRe
The one thing that helped me with my headaches was sex, not orgasms, but the pure adrenaline workout, the nothing else exists insanity of fucking, the fucking 'til you collapse into each others arms. Orgasm help a little, but I think it’s the full body workout or a great fuck.
I’m gunna have to fuck more.

SuMMeR
Being of irish descent I burn like a muthfuka in the sun, I spend the summer alternating from shade, hats and massaging aloe vera into my head.
One of the few good things in summer other than gelati and sitting on the beach at 2am is fucking.
I love the sweatiness of summer fucking. Its probably a pheromone thing. I don’t like it when its too hot too spoon afterwards but the fucking makes up for that. Its also good 'cos you can walk around naked and not have to wear clothes between fucking, which usually makes the time between fuck shorter, which I’ve found is a good thing.

MuSiC
This may sound weird but need to find a girl with a sense of humour to help me with an experiment. I've always wanted to fuck to what people say is good fucking music. I've fucked to some stuff I've got, like metal, tekno, industrial, trance, soundtracks, hip hop, etc. etc. but I wanna try it to Barry White. I've got a Barry White best of. trouble is I’m so happy to be fucking I usually grab the nearest cd or play what’s in the cd player.
It’d be hard to keep a straight face, which is hard enough already while having sex. It’d be fun, its definitely on my to do list.

BaLCoNY
I've been obsessed about for a few years now is sex on a balcony. I've done the sex in public thing, it was fun, but I like the idea of doing something that may or may not be in visible, depending on the sort of balcony, doing it somewhere that people are too busy to look, upwards. Everyone is too busy going where they’re going to look upwards. If I cant do it on balcony I’ll just have to do it in a window, if she keeps her top on no one will know what’s going on out of sight.
I know a friend who did in a car park at a shopping center on a busy night (probably friday) no one ever looks into the cars (unless their a thief or a security guard. She said it was hot.

HoBBY
I like to read about sex, I like to know as much as I can about it, not just fucking but gender, sexuality, legal issues, sex work, queer theory, methods, acts, art, pretty much anything to do with fucking. I've been told by fuckwits that my obsession is sleazy or that I’m obviously not getting any if I talk about it all the time.
I want those people to look at themselves, what is their obsessions, their hobbies, their habits. Do they talk endlessly about bands, even talking about members by their first names as though they know them personally (in denial), or do they blab endlessly about their car, their house, their investments, or whatever so called normal people talk about. I am not sleazy, I’m just more educated than them in a subject they have difficulty in dealing with so they automatically go into defensive mode accusing the person who confronts them with that which they are scared of with name calling. They’re like the hippy who points the finger at the –isms around them but when confronted by one of those they are trying to help they freak out.
I don’t know why I’m giving these fuckers any space here, they don’t deserve the piss from my dick, but I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest.

DuMBaSS
After the HeaDaCHe CuRe entry above, I must confess I was a dumb fuck on the weekend. I went to a club, a woman introduced herself to me, we’d met before through a friend. We chatted for ages, she was stunning, and being the dumbass that I am I didn’t even think of asking for her number. Doh! Now I’m in the wondering brainspace instead of the knowing brainspace. I am such a dumbass sometimes.

oRGaSMS
Like most people, I like em, but its not the goal for me. I like fucking and not cumming, I've always been one of those people that frustrates women. I like to fuck someone for a couple of days and only cum once. It’s a biggie when it hits, afterwards I get all hyper like a kid on a sugar buzz, which sometimes annoys the girl who usually wants to rest, eventually I crash. Blow jobs are okay but your gunna get a sore neck or mouth 'cos it tales ages that way for me, only one persons been able to go the distance.
I like watching the other person when they cum. I like the view while going down 'cos it’s a full body view, watching their back arch, their breathing get faster, and all the other good stuff, just makes me nuts, its so fucking hot. I like it when you find a position that guarantees they cum, whether it’s the gspot, the clit or whatever, its sort of like a goal reached together. I love making her cum, letting her relax for half a minute then keep on going on the same spot, she wants it, it feels good, but its too much. Its fucking great (or great fucking).

RaNDoM PoRN FiNDS
When I was a kid, on the way to school, I once found some porn on a nature strip that’d been chopped up under a lawnmower. I vaguely remembered me and my brother and sister being fascinated with it, but being catholic and under 10 we just thought it was “rude”.
The strangest thing I remember about it was I saw a tiny picture of a guy going down on a girl. Id never heard of such a thing, my tiny brain didn’t know how to interpret it. I remember thinking or saying it must be a guy with boobs I the picture because women didn’t have anything to do that to down there.
Many years later I realized how wrong I was.

THe FiRST NoN-ViRGiN
I remember years ago at school there was only one guy who had lost his virginity for real, we all claimed to have done it with imaginary girls wed met on the holidays, but in reality we’d probably only just discovered the joys of wanking alot. When he was talking about it some one asked if he had “licked her pussy”. He said he had. Then the same guy asked what it tasted like. He said it tasted like snot.
Many years later I discovered how wrong he was.

DoGS NoT aPeS
I was wondering if we’d descended from dogs not apes how would we be doing the bum sniffing thing as upright walking intelligent canines.
Would we offer a finger straight from the back of our pants to the other to smell?
Itd be nuts with women being on heat. Dads would have to lock their daughters in their room or have mega security around the house until it passes.

CHoCoLaTe WeiRDNeSS
A favourite dish of the aztecs was roast turkey with chocolate gravy!!

SeLF HaTiNG
from MCV:issue 349 thurs 13 sept
“Israeli Nazis charged
One of eight Russian - Israeli suspects, accused of belonging to a neo-nazi cell responsible for attacks on gay men, the homeless and orthodox Jews; is seen during a court appearance in the central Israeli town of Ramle, last Sunday. In a case that would seem unthinkable in the Jewish state, police found nazi uniforms and regalia when they raided the gang’s homes, together with videos the group made of violent attacks on same sex couples and other minorities. Ironically, all the gang’s Russian-born members claimed ‘right of return’ to immigrate to Israel, as they had at least one Jewish grandparent.”

I've heard woody allen talk about “self hating jews”, I think that would be the simplest term used for dickheads like those guys.

IRiSH ToaST
“May you live to a hundred years, with one extra year to repent”

VoDKa
“Sparks! They fly from your stomach to the furthest reaches of your body” – Anton Chekhov

“Vodka is only drunk for one reason, and if you have a bottle of vodka you’ll always find a reason” - Russian saying

“There cannot be not enough snacks,
there can only be not enough vodka.
There can be no silly jokes,
there can only be not enough vodka.
There can be no ugly women,
There can only be not enough vodka.
There cannot be too much vodka,
there can only be not enough vodka.” - Russian saying

what food goes best with vodka – pickles, caviar, sausages, salted or pickled fish on rye bread, black bread.

TraDiTioNaL ToaSTS
Officers at sea followed a strict weekly schedule for toasts when drinking after dinner
Sunday- absent friends
Monday – our ships at sea - queen and country
Tuesday – our men and our mothers – health and wealth
Wednesday – ourselves, our swords, old ships
Thursday – a bloody war or sickly season – the king
Friday – a willing foe and sea room – fox hunting and old port
Saturday – sweethearts and wives (may they never meet)

GReaT QuoTe aBouT DRiNKiNG
“always do sober what you’d said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut” – Ernest Hemingway

HaNGoVeR ReMeDYS
Puerto Rico – rub half a lemon in the armpit of your drinking arm
Japan – wear a gauze surgical mask soaked in sake
Mongolia – eat/drink pickled sheep’s eye in tomato juice
Hungarian Magyars – drink sparrow droppings in brandy
Ancient Assyrians – grind swallow beaks in myrrh and drink
Ancient Libyans – mix seawater into your wine. That way, you cant get too much wine in your system before the seawater induces vomiting
Ancient Greeks – draw blood through self flagellation, allowing the alcohol to seep out
Romans : eat fried canary
Middle Ages – drink a mixture of bitter almonds and raw eel
Wild West – plenty of droppings from a jack rabbit, well dried, then brewed with hot water in a tea
19th Century American Housewives – soaking your feet in mustard and water until the headache is gone
19th Century English Chimney Sweeps – a cup of warm milk mixed with a tea spoon of soot (from hardwood, if possible), drink slowly
Haiti – stick 13 black headed pins into the cork of the bottle that caused the hangover

M.R.I
I just had another MRI. Was okay this time except when I started coughing. Its annoying to take out my piercing, had trouble putting it back in, so I had to wait till I got home to put it back in. Its strange lying in a tube with lots of noise, your head held in place by various things, and your only view is a little mirror that points to the people operating the machine from behind the glass. It’d make a great scene in a horror film, where you can’t move but can see it all happening in the little mirror.

i got my result, my brain hasnt changed but they gave me new pills cos the old ones (endep) just made me sleepy. Ive got Catapres 100 ($30, fuck!)
its ingredients are:Each Catapres 100 tablet contains 100 micrograms clonidine hydrochloride. The other ingredients are maize starch, colloidal anhydrous silica, povidone, stearic acid, calcium hydrogen phosphate, and lactose.

The more frequently reported side effects of Catapres are:
drowsiness (ill look like im on the nod)
dryness of the mouth (constant drinking will make me wee)
nausea and vomiting (no thanks)

Less frequently reported side effects of Catapres include the following:
* blurred vision ( i already wear glasses)
* lightheadedness when you stand up suddenly (what if you stand all day at work?)
* dizziness (the effect of booze without the booze)
* confusion (whats new?)
* headache (ive already got on you dumb fuck)
* sleep disturbances (nocturnal emmisions maybe)
* mental depression (just what i need)
* irrational or abnormal thoughts (what could be more abnormal than the ay i think now)
* irritability (grumpy old fart)
* decreased sexual drive / impotence (nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!)
* generally feeling unwell (duh)
* thinning of hair (i shave what i have off, no problems as long as its not myfacial hair)
* rash / hives / itching (ill have to cut my nails)
* constipation (2 hour poops)
* dryness of the nose and eyes (i get that with hayfever medicine anyway)
* pain in the salivary glands (huh?)
* tingling or numbness of the hands or feet (wierd?)
* larger breasts than normal, in men (woohoo, something to play with)
* slow or irregular heart beat (scarey)

i will post how it all goes with the new pills


QuoTe FRoM: by Peter Parker
in Ultimate Spider-Man Vol.11. Carnage
“Sure, now he’s just –
He’s just “one of those guys” who like to bust on everyone.
Just jokes, right? He gets to say and do what he wants because he has a basketball jacket and a nice haircut…
Because, really, in this world… I guess all you need is a nice haircut.
But here’s the thing…
He’s going to grow up.
He’s going to become a man.
And because you have rewarded him for his behavior year after year…
Because his parents don’t seem to care…
Because all he knows now is that its okay to act this way, to treat people like this…
…he’s going to grow up to be a full grown…
greedy, mean, selfish liar.
The world is full of them.
The world is run by them.
And your “friend” is one of them.
You need to learn this and learn this fast.
This is the world.”

FuCKiN FuNNY CoMiC
I recently borrowed “nextwave. Agents of H.A.T.E. This Is What They Want” from the library. It’s a fucking funny comic. Its full of strangeness, rudeness, bizzarness, insanity, and loves to take the piss out of the usual super hero poop. It laughed out loud while reading it.
Their leader is Monica Rambeau, she is a veteran superhero who can change part or all of her mass into any electromagnetic energy in the spectrum, and used to run the avengers (her mum always insisted she get a proper job, it was said that when her mum died she went to hell and is being used as a bucket by giant weasels dressed as cheerleaders, cos that’s what happens when you tell your kids to get a proper job). There’s Captain NNNN, a guy who got his superpowers from aliens while he was drunk, they never tell you what it means but he was beaten up by Captain America and woke up with a bar of soap in his mouth when he told him his name. There’s an android known as Machine Man who insists he be called Aaron Stack and keeps on referring to humans as fleshy ones. There’s Tabitha Smith who has the mutant powers of “blowing things up and stealing all your stuff”. And Elsa Bloodstone a the daughter of the near immortal monster hunter, and she wears a creepy gem that makes her superhumanly resistant to harm.
In the final fight they are attacked with the combat pterodactyl suit wearing Assault Pterosuit Flock, the samurai robots Samuroid Batch 23, the robotic Homicide Crabs and best of all Drop Bears!
After reading it I have the urge to refer to people as fleshy ones.

MoRe CHoC STuFF
Chocolate is not only pleasant of taste, but it’s a veritable balm of the mouth, for the maintaining of all glands and humors in a good state of health
- stephani blancardi, Italian physician (1650-1702)
Having chocolate in moderation, that’s about as useless as having sex with all your clothes on. Only an orgy of chocolate could possibly provide the satisfaction you crave
- anonymous

SoMe oF MY FaVouRiTe SceNeS iN FiLMS
Encino Man: “weezing the juice” scene from when link and stoney visit the convenience store (I've always wanted to do it, but never had the guts)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrxZ0z-FF2I

Highlander: the scene in the church between kurgan and mccloud, mainly kurgans reaction to the nuns walking past. (we used to quote it whenever me and a friend saw some nuns)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvnq_W0i3Bs

Blade: the scene in the dance club when the sprinklers spray blood (a goth club wet dream)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OFgZQabR3g

Near dark: the bar scene, the vampire walks down the bar and cuts a guys throat with the spurs on his boots and when he says “I hate it when they aint shaved” (I bought some spurs off a friend after seeing that scene)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n14zvN-iPHg

Bulworth: the TV interview scene, mainly for the great idea of Procreative Racial Deconstruction, we gotta keep fucking til we all the same colour (a great idea that must be spread worldwide)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IufvDc0_Mws

Serenity: the scene with as the doors open and she’s covered in blood, holding two blades and surrounded by dead reavers (another popular one)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8ghl5ym-Xk

Over the hedge: the scene when the squirrel is given the energy drink and time slows down (watching it when hungover made me giggle uncontrollably)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okWOUSydhJI

Human traffic: most of the film, but the scene when the guys asks “got any jungle in guy?” and they all start boogying in the shop. (the scene I love to watch before going out)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jm7Y9HCSjxE

Chasing Amy: the scene where hooper explains why starwars is racist (a modern classic)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqmq2FsDunQ

Constantine: the blink and you’ll miss it scene in hell when you see under the surface and there’s a mass of writhing bodies (its how your mind expands it and what is not seen is what I love)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AL8Kl-8H9k8

X-men: the scene with magneto as a child in the concentration camp when he bends the closed gates as his parents get taken away (a popular one)

TaSK FaiLeD

i attempted to do the 24 hours without talking about sex
i failed, i got to 13 hours and mentioned flange
i have 2 more attempts

NeW JoB:
I am no longer a professional relationship enhancement advisor, I’m now a pop culture distribution agent. But I will still give relationship enhancement advice just as a non professional.
I've gone from pervs to nerds.

CHoCoLaTe:· The artist Bernice Wood, who lived to 105, attributed her longevity to chocolate and young men
· According to the National Sausage and Hot Dog Council, kids said they would eat chocolate sauce on their hot-dogs as long as their mom wasn’t watching.
· Supplementing the average diet with half and ounce of dark chocolate and four tablespoons of cocoa powder per day can have a healthy effect on blood cholesterol levels
· The Mayans had a fixed market rate on cocoa beans – you could get a rabbit for 10 beans, a slave cost 100 and a prostitute went from 8 to 10.
· According to experts the best time of the day for tasting chocolate is late morning (about 11am) and early evening (around 6pm) when your senses are most receptive
· A prestigious department store has set up the worlds 1st “chocolate cellar” where top class European chocolate is stored at carefully regulated temperature and humidity levels
· Chocolate triggers responses in the brain similar to marijuana, but you would have to eat 25 pounds of chocolate in 1 sitting
· Chocolate-opoly is a scrumptious version of everyone’s favorite property trading game where you collect chucks of chocolate and trade them for chocolate factories, if you don’t experience Death by Chocolate first.
· In 2003, fashion designer Jeff banks settled a dispute with Sainsburys, a leading UK food retailer. He received £1 million cash and a box of their chocolate truffles every week.

WoRDs:
Meralgia Paresthetica : burning or tingling sensation experienced by women when they wear hipsters.
(I wonder what if there’s a similar effect for highpants)

CoMiC STuFF:
The Boys.
Its an amazingly hilarious fucked up comic, its full of fucked up humour, sex and violence. I got the 1st tpb and laughed my arse off.
Chronicles Of Wormwood
A hilarious sacrilegious comic about Jesus (in his 2nd coming) and the AntiChrist being buddies who decide to fuck over their parents by not starting the apocalypse and letting humans decide their own fate.

Since I've been in my new job I've been going to the library a lot and getting out tpb’s (trade paper backs, a collections of comics in larger book form). I've been averaging 2 or 3 a week. Its nuts. The Spiderman/Xmen/Superhero sorta stuff I can finish in a couple of days, minimal dialogue, lots of action, but the stuff I really like is the stuff that takes me a week or 2 to read. I read Bone, it took me almost 2 months, it was worth it.

PHeRoMoNeS
I went out last night, I got a little drunk. Was an okay night, had a boogie or 2. a friend of mine saw an ex-root there. She wanted to go home with him cos he’s a good root, but didn’t cos he’s a knob. She was mega frustrated. When leaving at 6am she was thinking about going to his place. She was horny but knew if she went there she’d regret it. She didn’t end up going to his place. She went home. The strangest thing happened, we were hugging and she was telling me how tempted she was and all that sorta stuff. I said she could do what she wants but don’t cry on my shoulder afterwards. I’m sorta over that shit magnet thing women do. Go out with an arsehole then cry on the nice guys shoulder. Blah. I gave her a kiss goodbye and got in the taxi. When I got home I was sooooooo fucking horny, it was nuts. I watched a porno for a bit, got bored, but still horny, tried a wank but that wasn’t doing anything. I wanted to fuck. I think the girl was frustrated, horny and probably pumping out pheromones. I copped a big dose and when I got home it kicked in. lucky for me (sort of) I had been drinking. So I went to bed and crashed out within a few minutes. I’m still frisky now (it’s the next day) but the tiredness from the all nighter last night is keeping it at bay, sort of. bloody pheromones, they’re dangerous. If I actually had gone home with someone last night I probably would’ve hurt myself, like getting a bruise in a sensitive area, but hey, that’s another story for another time……


PRISM COMICS
I found a cool mag and its equally cool website
Its called Prism Comics, it’s the LGBT guide to comics. Its got cool reviews, interviews and the latest lgbt stuff in comics.
Stuff like the Queer year in review, with articles about queers in the latest comics, reviews of lgbt cartoonists and artists and an article on “the oldest joke in comics” the queerness of Batman and Robin. Its got an interview with the amazing artist Ismael Alvarez who’s art work has to be seen to be believed, its amazing.

SiCK
I've been sick lately, and it seems wherever I go someone else is too. I was given 2 different sorts of penicillin which did fuck all. So now I’m off all that shit and doing the occasional towel over the head sniffing eucalyptus vapors. My headaches are getting worse and I’m going for another mri soon. Bloody frustrating.

MrG’s TeXT:
“You suck, -… is emo. Sure got 100 issues of buffy but fuck intelligent works. Geez, maybe I should buy Blue Beetle, read it, then circle jerk with my 10 X-Men titles and 40 Spiderman cash-ins. Then shove a dc/marvel/image/dw/topcow crossover up my arse, but I cant cuz that’s where they buried captain america”

I got this comment cos he missed and issue of a comic he’s been buying and the shop I work at had sold out of them. It’s the quick and the dead in the world of comics, you snooze you lose mutha fucka.

MaCCaS NaSTYNeSS
I read recently that McDonalds has a secret burger, it’s the Double Pounder. For $13.85 you get 8 beef patties on a couple of buns. Many years ago when I ate maccas fries occasionally, a friend who worked at maccas slipped me a big mac for free into my order of large fries. I sat at the train station, sniffed it and peeled it apart, I threw the vegies to the seagulls, then tasted the beef. I have never tasted meat so vile before. It had an unnatural consistency and tasted like fuck knows what. I haven’t eaten maccas since 1999, and it was only cos there was nothing else available at the Bali airport when I was coming back from Ireland (I had fries and a sundae).
The thought of even attempting to eat 1 of their “meat” patties makes me ill, the idea that someone could eat 8 makes me wanna projectile vomit.

TaLLuLaH BaNKHeaD QuoTe
“If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner”

FeMaLe MaSTuRBaTioN
5 digit disco
checking the status of the I/O port
cleaning the fur coat
dialing 0 on the little pink telephone
pre-heating the oven
rubbin the nubbin
working in the garden

STRaNGe DReaMS
Lately I’ve had weird sexual dreams. I think I've had them before but cant remember much about them. An example was I woke and remembered having a dream about playing with a girls boobs, and fell back to sleep thinking horny thoughts. But hours later when I woke up to go to work I remembered that she was giving me a piggy-back ride when I grabbed her boobs. Weird. I know I've had a few dreams like this but I cant remember them. I wonder if other people get them.

DeFeNSe aGaiNST PSYCHiCS
If psychic mind reading powers were real what would they see/hear/feel in the mind of someone with a migraine. Would it be painful to them too? Could migraine sufferers be used a defense against psychics, as a sort of white noise defense.

PaiN & BRaiN TRaNSPLaNT
If brain transplants become standard procedure should the person who’s body being used be checked for any injury no matter how minute. Imagine if I hurt my leg when I was 10 and limped for a while but eventually I got used to the pain and the limping became 99% undetectable, then I have a injury 20 years later and become brain dead but my body’s okay. They transplant a new brain into my healthy body, the new person in my body wakes up in extreme pain in the place I was injured when I was 10. I got used to the pain eventually but the new persons brains been dumped in my body and hasn’t got used to the pain.

A SeLeCTioN FRoM ViZ’S PRoFaNiSauRuS
Arse Like A Tetley Teabag: description of a anus after a curry the night before, like when a teabag is suspended in mid air and boiling water is poured onto it and red hot steaming brown liquid comes out.
Cunt Candle: an outstanding idiot amongst men, one who stands out like a shining beacon of imbecility
FOFFOF: fair of figure, foul of face
Irish Alarm Clock: waking up early with horrific bowel movements caused by the 10 pints of Guinness the night before
Wankupuncture: the sell administered therapy that is believed to cure most ailments
Various things to say after a loud fart: Anybody injured? ; They’re firing sir, they’re firing! ; Keep shouting sir, we’ll find you ; speak up caller, you’re through ; a bit more choke and she would’ve started ; you’ll have to buy that now you’ve ripped it ; that’s working now try the light ; well struck sir ; speak on, sweet lips that never told a lie

THe iDeaL eNGiNe
A vagina!
Because it fits any size piston, it self lubricates, starts with 1 finger and does it own oil change every 4 weeks

You KNoW HoW i KNoW YouR GaY….or things about me now that my 16 year old self would’ve said I was a poof for
· I read the free local gay newspapers (they report a lot of stuff not in the “straight” media)
· I've been tied up to a cross in a nightclub and been whipped by a master
· I own some chaps ($25 in an opshop, what a bargain)
· I have queer comics & books
· I've read gay porn (I’m not going to avoid a story in a best erotic fiction book just cos its about cock sucking)
· One of my favourite vocalists is Jimmy Somerville (he has an amazing voice)
· I have gaydar (from many years of working in porn shops)
· I don’t want to breed (I come from a big family and also have problems with responsibility)
· I hate being called straight (it sounds like you’re boring and straight down the line)
I’m hetro but not a boring mortgage and marriage kinda guy, I like to get my freak on, and I feel comfortable in a queer setting. Some people spread rumors about me, but are too gutless to say it to my face. My problem is I’m both shy & extroverted, so people get mixed messages. They see me out socializing but never see me snogging some girl in the corner so their gossip hungry minds make up little stories. I would probably laugh in their face if they actually asked me and then explain unfortunately I’m hetro but I don’t mind if they want to keep their fantasy, cos hey, you gotta have something to think about when your having a wank.


SoMe oF MY FaVe QueeR FiLMS
The Celluloid Closet – very illuminating and funny too, I love the secret of Ben Hur
The Crying Game – thriller with humour and a touch of sadness. I love the end.
Gods and Monsters – another sad but cool film about a friendship between and old gay guy and a young straight guy
The Sum of Us – aussie film about a dad and his gay son, I remember a really straight guy say after watching it “I wish my dad was like that”
Better than Chocolate – a film about family and sexuality and life, cool canadian film.
GoFish – one of the first lesbian films I saw in the cinema, saw it with a friend, I've still got a my GoFish promo, a removable tattoo (wonder what id get for it on ebay) Brings up boundaries, who you fuck, and that feeling you get the morning after you get laid
Sick – a film about a guy who’s queerness is hetro but twisted. His search for pain with his mistress and his life with cystic fibrosis. Inspiring but sometimes painful to watch, especially when he nails his cock to piece of wood.

Even though its old, here’s the
Queers in 2005 comics according to prism comics:
Midnighter and Apollo in The Authority (great comic), sort of superman and batman style superheroes, who went underground, when they finally resurfaced they where a couple. There was a great part when Apollo was beating the crap out of some bad guy while the guy was calling him a poof, Apollo then left him at the mercies of midnighter, who was holding a jackhammer!
A comic called ExMachina touched on the topic of queer marriage, with the main character Mayor Hundred marrying 2 firemen cos he promised the fire department whatever they wanted after Sept 11.
In the excellent comic Runaways, Karolina who’s also coming to terms with her alien origin, comes out, but then finds out before they died her parents promised her in marriage to a Skrull (an alien) but luckily for her when she tells him she’s into girls he shape-changes into a her. gender doesn’t really matter to shapechangers.
Colossus came out, (in ultimate xmen #65) and was going to the prom with Northstar.
Catwoman was the big news that actually got into the newspapers (it must’ve been a slow news day)

an interesting thing from here
http://tomatonation.com/?p=592


A Four-Letter Word
Slut — 1: a slovenly woman : SLATTERN 2a: a lewd woman; esp : PROSTITUTE b: a saucy girl : MINX

Ah, "slut." A compact little word, forceful even in the way it sounds, starting out with a hissing sibilant and pushing off of the tongue through the L and U, and then that nastily crisp T. "Slut." Say it a few times out loud. Roll it around in your mouth. "Sssslut." "Sss…lllut." Say it again. Notice that it's difficult — almost impossible, in fact — to pronounce it neutrally. It's got a sneer built into it, that word. It's not as twangy and unthreatening as "tramp." It's not as easy to yell as "whore." "Whore" is built for screaming rage and dishes flying through the air, with a nice gusty H at the front and a big old roaring R bringing up the rear. Not "slut," though. "Slut" is muttered. "Slut" is whispered. "Whore" comes in like a punch, but "slut" tingles, like a slap. "Slut" hides behind the teeth. "Slut" is for when your back is turned.

"Slut" is for when you don't act like a lady. "Slut" is for when you sit with your legs apart. "Slut" is for when you wear it short, tight, without a bra, cut up high and down low and around the side, because, see, "slut" is also for when you have the nerve to enjoy your body in front of women who hate their own bodies. Don't strut. Don't dance with soul, or lick your lips. Don't look too good; don't think you look too good. Digging your own self is slutty. Making your own good time is slutty. Who do you think you are, anyway? Knees together, slut.

"Slut" is for when you forget to hate and fear boys. "Slut" is for when you talk to them, flirt with them, hang out with them and watch kung fu movies, pretend they don't suck at guitar, sit on their laps, cut their hair. "Slut" is for when you don't remember that you can't have a male friend unless he's your brother or gay, because your male friends want to fuck you, and you can't handle that. "Slut" is liking sports and belches and messy apartments — or, rather, "liking" those things, because you couldn't really like those things. You just pretend to like them so that you can get attention from men, because you have no personality of your own, and even if you did, men only want you for your action anyway. That's pathetic. Get a life, slut.

"Slut" is for when, in spite of everything you've learned from Cosmo and your sorority sisters, you just love men, for when you want to look at them and talk about them and burrow your nose into their necks and lick them from head to toe and hop right on them when they walk in the door like that scene from Raising Arizona where Holly Hunter clings to Nicolas Cage like a wood tick. Ugh. That's so undignified. That's so unfeminine. "Slut" is for walking down the street and talking to a friend on your cell phone and watching a cute boy walk past in the opposite direction and looking at him and looking away and looking back and then turning around in mid-sentence to keep looking. "Slut" is for thinking of stubble burn and biting your lip. "Slut" is for remembering the way your first true love used to pin you up against his car door and flushing clear up to the roots of your hair. "Slut" is for big hands and deep voices. "Slut" is for on top of you and under you and behind you, in the closet, on the floor, under the piano. "Slut" is for liking it. "Slut" is for wanting it. "Slut" is for going after it. Men hunt, women gather; men chase, women wait. Look it up, slut.

"Slut" is for kissing boys with tongue. "Slut" is for kissing lots of different boys with tongue. "Slut" is for craving kissing lots of different boys with tongue. That's not right, you know. It says so in the Bible, and in social hygiene films. "Slut" is for loving sex. "Slut" is for needing sex. "Slut" is for thinking sex isn't shameful. Sex is for married people, for diamond owners, for nice girls in twin sets whose mothers hid the Erica Jong, for people totally and completely, like, in total and complete love, and it takes place behind closed doors, with the lights out. Sex isn't fun. Sex isn't casual. Sex is a deadly serious, disgusting, dirty, degrading business. Just lie there. Don't move around. Don't use your fingernails or moan or anything; that's slutty. Don't get on top. Don't go down. Going down is really slutty, especially if you like it as much as he does. Ew. That's so gross. Only a slut would like that. That's so sickening. I bet you masturbate, too. Ew, I can't even think about that. That's so foul — touching yourself down there like that? That's — well, it's dirty and sticky and gross, dude! Nobody does that. Well, boys do, but that's different.

"Slut" is for sex outside a committed relationship. Sex outside a committed relationship is a cry for help. It means you have no self-respect, obviously. You're, like, a total nympho, man. I can't believe you would even do that. God. Don't talk about it. Don't think about it. Don't miss it. Don't daydream about doing it with Josh Hartnett in a waterfall. I mean — yuck. That's totally slutty. Are you, like, desperate or something? Why else would you just have sex with a guy? That's so wrong. You're so wrong. You're such a slut.

"Slut" is for fucking on the first date, giving head instead of your number, not caring if he calls, caring if he calls but fucking another guy to pass the time. You do that stuff, well, clearly you're a slut. What's even worse? You, like, enjoy it. It's so show-offy, too. Like, "look at me, I think I'm a guy," like Samantha on Sex & The City, like, get over yourself, hon. And, I mean, Samantha brings home at least one new guy every week, but she's, like, obviously so miserable and empty inside because she never settles down. Don't you want to get married? How do you ever expect to get married if you keep slutting around? You have to save yourself. I mean, no man's going to want you if you've slept with, like, a million other guys before him. You're used. You're dirty. He'll fuck you, but he'll never bring you home to his mother, because you didn't stay pure and go to bed only with guys you loved. And you can't have more experience than your husband; that's just not done. What if he gets insecure about it? You'll scare him off. You don't want that, do you?

And you've probably got diseases. I bet you don't even use protection. Remember? How you have no self-respect? And don't use condoms and birth control, because you just want guys to like you, so you just fuck them? That's so sad. I feel really sorry for you. Yeah, you say you enjoy it, but it's just a compulsion, and it's pitiful, really.

Just stay away from my man, okay? Don't even talk to him. Women have to look out for each other, because men would never look out for us, because we don't deserve their respect and fidelity. We women have to stick together. If he steps out on me with you, that's not his fuck-up. It's yours. I mean, you're the slut here. You obviously came onto him all barracuda-style and lured him into bed, so I blame you completely. So just don't even go over there to talk to him. He'd never treat me right, and if I left you two alone, something would happen.

God, I can't even look at you. You just prance around acting all carefree like you don't care what happens, like it doesn't matter, like you have the right to sleep with whomever you want or something — you make me ill! I hate you! Fuck you, slut!

If you found yourself nodding along in sincere agreement with any of what's written above, you have a serious, serious problem and need to report to your nearest therapist for a course of self-esteem rehabilitation and double-standard deprogramming. The rest of you may continue to wear your sluttishness with pride. Here endeth the lesson.

And thank you, Dr. Weston.
You know, your mother doesn't know everything.
Please slut responsibly.

this will be when the gentrificating wankers finally leave st kilda

THe TaSKS HaVe STaRTeD

$2 coins are no longer legal tender for me, and will be put in a money box to be opened in 6 months (december)

an explaination of the "quiet the...." tasks
as explained by my old friend Mr.J

Tasks of Nu.

Quiet the spirit.
Spend a day performing tasks of a zen or rudimentary nature. Approach only tasks that reward with barely perceptible purification, that do NOT benefit any one person in particular or that were necessary because of any one person in particular. A relevant example: sweeping the sidewalk ... it wasn't dirtied by any one person, nor will any one person feel guilty upon seeing you do it having not done it themselves. Also avoid tasks, pass-times or situations which could provoke an emotional response. Examples: music, literature, audio-visual entertainment, unnecessary human interaction etc.

Quiet the tongue.
Spend a day without speaking unnecessarily. Exceptions: performing tasks which REQUIRE a conversational interchange, ie. “May I have half a kilo of King Island Blue cheese please?” or “Excuse me miss but look out for that fast approaching bus.” or “I'm sorry but I am attempting to avoid speaking today, please don't be offended.” etc etc etc.

Quiet the mind.
For one entire day one must attempt to silence unnecessary thoughts. One must genuinely attempt up to four hours of meditation, the simplest of which will now be explained: Seat yourself in a comfortable chair or sitting position in a quiet area or room. Close your eyes and concentrate on your breaths, notice them occurring and begin to count each exhalation. Once a count of nine is reached one starts again from one. The object is to reach a state of sleep-like rest whilst remaining conscious. If you find yourself counting 11 .. 12 ... 13 simply re-center yourself and start again. To advance the exercise, try having your eyes open and focusing on one spot, or try the exercise in a busy and/or not-so-quiet area. Make no mistake ... true meditation is a trance-like state where your perception of reality, your surroundings, your very self melts away and you become nothing. Even achieving a few seconds of a true meditative state is absolute bliss and will change your outlook on life forever.

Quiet the desires.
Today is the day that you must satisfactorily appease ones desires. Where one would normally skimp because of whatever reason you must assault ones needs with much more than would normally be necessary to be satiate. One must also attempt to expend minimal effort to accomplish this. For example: You feel hunger ... have an extravagant meal (preferably purchased and delivered to you), a meal of a magnitude which would nauseate the likes of Emperor Nero. If a desire exists that is difficult to appease then focus on the next best thing. You are the center of your reality, show it you mean business. Battle your desires for one whole day, throw everything you have at them, for they hold a bounty of information about yourself.

At The Napier hotel in Fitzroy they have the 100% aussie bogan burger
It contains:
a steak
a chicken shnitzel
a potato cake
bacon
egg
cheese
pineapple
onion
beetroot

its 13cm high and has 94 grams of fat

YUM!!!!!!

thanks Nicola

GReBOs TaSKS
After 3 deaths in less than 6 months I decided to live my life more and get out of the same old shit I've been doing, but I was unsure of how to do it so I asked my friends to give me 5 tasks each and I will try to do eat least 3 of them. they are listed above my links
when i have completed one it will be marked as completed
the first completion starts the rest of them.....

another wrong thing



hes a poser cos its the updated re-released version, not an original

its so wrong i want it....

BaD PiCK uP LiNeS
"If you and i were squirrels could i bust a nut in your hole?"
"I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag"

GeTTiNG oLD
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened

QueSTioNWhy do psychics have to ask your name?

Lee HaRVeY oSWaLD
tweak her nipple while you thumb her vagina & lick her ass at the same time
(it looks like your aiming a sniper rifle)

SCieNCe FaCT
A mans saliva fills with testosterone when hes horny. kissing can pass it on making the woman hornier

NuDe & NaTuRe

Annual World Naked Gardening Day
we just missed it but the next ones saturday may 3, 2008
http://www.wngd.org/
heres my contribution

the angry garden gnome

WoT A LoaD oF WaNK!

go to san francisco on may 26th for the 2007 Masturbate-a-thon competitions include:
- Longest Squirt Distance -
An area of the porn palace will be set up so that participants can compete for longest squirting/ejaculation distance. This will be a mixed gender event and whoever goes the fluid distance wins!
- Longest Time Masturbating -
How long can people masturbate? Well the current record is over 8 hours. Bend your gender expectations; that participant was 100% male. Winners will be awarded in as many gender categories as are appropriate.
- Most Orgasms -
Multiple orgasms aren't just for chicks. The Masturbate-a-thon record for most male orgasms is 6! Of course, women are a little ahead in this game with a record of 49 orgasm in a single masturbate-a-thon event. Wow! Men, women and any other declared gender category will compete for their own multi-orgasmic titles.
- Tag Team Fun -
This is a tag team race like you have never seen. The no-touching-others rule is suspended while team tag each other for a place change in the masturbation arena.
http://www.masturbate-a-thon.com/index.php





Viennese Sex Hotline to Help Library

A novel idea for municipal fundraising involves an Austrian actress reading from works of erotic literature.For the benefit of lonely people who hide with old books in the rear stacks -- or anyone who likes literate smut -- Vienna City Hall now runs an "Eros-hotline" to benefit its main library.Through May callers can pay €0.39 (53 US cents) per minute to hear an actress read from classic and modern erotic literature. Anne Bennent, an Austrian stage and film star, reads passages from the library's so-called "Secreta" collection of erotic fiction from the 18th, 19th and 20th centuries.Callers will hear hot and heavy passages from German-language writers like Hans Carl Artmann, Annemarie Weber and Ferdinand Lasalle; or writers in German translation like Anaïs Nin."So far 158 people have phoned up," Vienna Library spokeswoman Suzie Wong told an Austrian news agency on Monday. "They've spent around 660 minutes on the phone."The hotline has been in operation since April 4. The idea is to raise money for an expansion and remodelling of the city's main public library.

http://www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/0,1518,481710,00.html

QuoTe FRoM JoaN JeTT
"i buy every dirty magazine in the world. I like to read them. I do... a lot of the magazines have really good articles. I always buy Hustler cause their tasteless"

i think im in love

BiG BRoTHeR '07
i promised my self i wouldnt watch any of it this year, i thought it would be easy, cos i dont have a tv, but what happens, i actually know one of the housemates.
Jamie (the chubby nerd) worked at the same porno shop as me for about a year. unless hes had a personality transplant he is sooooooo playing them all for idiots. but from what ive heard hes doing a bad job. i could sell info about him that would get him evicted the next week but i want to see how far he goes cos hes not the usual wanky housemate.

WHaT iT FeeLS LiKe

http://bitchyjones.wordpress.com/2007/04/17/what-it-feels-like-to-hurt-a-man-until-it-makes-you-have-an-orgasm/

best lines:
I like it when he screams into my mouth.
Like?
I *adore* it when he screams into my mouth

DeaTH
my cousin died this week, he was around my age. i havent seen him for years, i feel numb. its the 3rd death for me so far this year. it sux
ive heard people who cut themselves say that they do it to feel something, thats how i feel. lucky ive got 24 hour a day headaches to make me feel something, or id be acting like a 16 year old emo kid

GRRRR!
Dont you hate it when your horny and its the week your doing extra hours at work.

BiBLe
i went to the fetish club Abode recently with some friends
we found the hidden bible, my friend was reading from it out loud in the whipping area while half naked, when she stopped reading it, a couple canoodling on a skool desk nearby asked her to not stop, they were getting off on it!
bloody ex-catholics

CoNFeSSioN
i am a nipple slut
if you use them right
im yours

RePuTaTioN
I was gunna write a big blog entry about how I was rejected because of my “reputation” by someone, it really annoyed me cos its based on nothing but this persons imagination. it stuck in my head for days, what the fuck did she mean, all the other shit was okay I realized it was bullshit and she just didn’t want to fuck, but for some reason my brain kept hold of the reputation thing and it stuck. But then I week or so later I saw her leave a club with one of the biggest man sluts I know. I actually felt relieved, the reputation thing was crap, it was just another piece of bullshit spilling forth from her young mouth. I feel okay now, finally my brains accepted that it was all bullshit.

THe FuCKeD-uPNeSS oF aLCoHoL iN MY LiFe
I am painfully shy and without it booze to relax me id be fucked when I go out, but when I drink everything gets weirdly amplified, I’m very sociable but I also have lapses into shyness and act like a bumbling idiot around certain people.
The worst part is the next day. Lack of sleep and a hangover always make me really emotional, and I become a big wuss. Anything that happened the night is blown up massively in my head and becomes a big drama. I’m usually alone too so I wonder when I’m ever gunna get laid again, even if it wasn’t that long since the last one. I get really fucking lonely, I fear that I’m gunna die alone, its all a bit crazy. I’ve almost given it up many times. It’s the fucked-upness of alcohol in my life

SCaReY MaN
Something weird happens sometimes when I’m out, I’m just being me, drinking, boogying, doing my thing, just there for a good time. Someone introduces me to their lady friend they’ve just met or are trying to get into the pants of. I say hello, be nice, try let out much of my usually perverted shit that I talk. A couple of minutes after I leave, I look back the guys still there, but the chicks gone.
Was it me that scared them away? Am I the scary man?
When I was at school I was constantly told “I’d hate to meet you in a dark alley” or “If I was walking down the street and you were behind me I’d be shit scared”, when they said this it wasn’t the usual school age bullshit, these guys were being honest.
I’m the scary man.
When I don’t shave for a few days I notice women looking at me, is it the scary man appeal? Maybe I should do acting stuff and be the scary guy in films, I've already done a part in a friends horror film as a murderer from upstairs with a knife who’s covered in blood. How can I make money out of my scariness without doing illegal stuff?

GuYS & aTTaCHeD WoMeN
Often when I go out I spend the night chatting with people I know, but I noticed lately a lot of the time recently its guys or women with boyfriend/husbands/fiancees. When I’m talking to some chick and she slips in something about her boyfriend into the conversation I feel like asking her to buy me a drink, when she asks why ill say its cos she’s just taken 5 minutes of my life away that ill never get back, but id have to be pretty drunk/horny/frustrated to do that. Maybe its cos their boyfriends not there they know that a guy'll only talk to them if he thinks their single, but then they feel guilty so the drop the BF bomb. Why are single women who I've never met avoiding me? Is it the scary man thing? Is it my non existent reputation? These girls think they’ve got their freak on but get scared when a real freaks in their midst who’s not a standard drug fucked man slut. Its all a bit weird!

GaY GReBo SHoCK
A strange little story from a few years ago. I knew some people who ran a club, I used to go to it a lot, id see other people in the same situation (friends with club running people).
It was the last night of a club and I was chatting to one girl id know for over 5 years who was a regular. I mentioned something about an ex girlfriend, she looked shocked. I asked her why and she said she thought I was gay. I’d know her over 5 years! I think it was because she’d never heard rumors or stories about me or seen me leaving with someone. It was funny but it still made me wonder how she really came to that conclusion, I never got to ask her and haven’t seen her for years. I still think its pretty funny. It’s a pity she had a long term boyfriend, I could’ve shown her how wrong she was J

HoW To KiCK STaRT YouR CreaTiViTY
Have 24 hour a day headaches for 3 years, that doctors are unable to fix or even tell you what’s causing it
Have 2 friends die within a couple of months of each other, both suddenly.
While mucking around at a party fuck up your ribs so bad that you have to get your them x-rayed and your spleen ultrasounded
Get fuck all sleep because of the rib pain if you move
Add vodka
Then a tiny drop of a minor disappointment at a nightclub
And boom!
You have fucked up mix that’ll bring forth all your fucked up emotions out and kick start your creative vibes into a supercharged fucked up beautiful chaos melstrom

WaReHouSe & THe CaT
As I write this im spending my last few hours at a warehouse of a friend. Ive been looking after it for a month. Its been bliss. Ive been living alone with only a cat to keep me company. The cats been sleeping next to my head at night and sending me to sleep with its purring. Ive done 2 painting within 2 weeks and ive written some stuff. But now I gotta go back the chaos of a shared flat. Blaaargh.
I need to find a better job, a fulltime job, cos then I could live alone.
But id like to thank MrD for letting me stay here, its been bliss. If your reading this, thanks dude.

CoMiC ReVieW
I just finished Bone by Jeff Smith. Fucking amazing comic, the whole things in one volume, it took me ages to read its 1332 pages. But fell worth the read. I love a comic that takes me ages to read, cos then I get fully engrossed in the story. It’s the story of the 3 Bone cousins, Fone, Phoney & Smiley, and their trip after they get run out of Boneville. Its got rats creatures, dragons, magic, war, locust kings, ted the bug, and even cow racing. Its won heaps of awards around the world. If you get a chance check it out cos it’ll take a while but you wont be disappointed when you finish it.

spanky spanky articles


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Spanking fetish makes men happier:
Bondage and discipline may actually make men happier, according to the first national survey of Australian fetish habits.The new sex study has revealed that two per cent of Australian men and 1.4 per cent of women admit to enjoying dominance, submission and sadomasochism-type sex in the past year.But researchers involved in the phone survey of 20,000 people say they expect many more Australians to be engaging in the practice but unwilling to label it BDSM (bondage, discipline, domination and submission)."There will definitely be more men and women who have sexual tastes in this direction but won't call it this," said Dr Juliet Richters, of the University of New South Wales."They might not like sex magazines but they just happen to like being tied up and spanked as part of foreplay."Ask them if they're into BDSM they'll say 'Yuck, no'."The survey results, to be presented at the World Association of Sexual Health congress in Sydney this week, give the first snapshot of Australians involved in bondage behaviour.These fetishes were most common among gay, lesbian and bisexual people and heterosexuals who are "bi-interested", said Dr Richters, the lead researcher.In women, BDSM was most popular among under 20-year-olds and those who had a partner they didn't live with. There were no age or relationship trends in men, she said.People who engaged in the habit were more likely to be sexually adventurous in other ways, like trying anal sex and phone sex, looking at internet pornography or using sex toys."These are people for whom sex is a hobby," Dr Richters said.They were no more likely to have suffered sexual difficulties, sexual abuse or coercion or anxiety than other Australians.In fact, says Dr Richters, men into BDSM scored significantly better on a scale of psychological wellbeing than other men."This seems to imply that these men are actually happier as a result of their behaviour, though we're not sure why," she said."It might just be that they're more in harmony with themselves because they're into something unusual and are comfortable with that."There's a lot to be said for accepting who you are."At the other end of the spectrum - least happy - were men who reported being attracted to men but had never acted on their desire and didn't regard themselves as gay.Researchers said the study helps break down the reigning stereotype that people into bondage and discipline were damaged as children and were therefore "dysfunctional"."We really found that BDSM is simply a sexual interest or subculture attractive to a minority, not a pathological symptom of past abuse or difficulty with 'normal' sex," Dr Richters said."They've just got a broader and more unusual sexual repertoire than most."
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Fifty Reasons to Spank Your Wife or Girlfriend
The post is aimed at the gentlemen out there. In particular, I’d like to direct my comments to the reluctant spankers. You know who you are. Your partner expressed an interest in being spanked, but she’s having a difficult time convincing you to do it. Your concerns – chivalry, lack of comprehension, potential impact on your relationship, or a desire to protect her – are quite understandable. Her request was unexpected and you probably weren’t prepared to answer the question at the moment she posed it.Let’s take a big step back and look again at the subject from a slightly different vantage point. I can offer you fifty reasons why you might want to take her across your lap and indulge her dreams.
1. The lovemaking afterward is often sensational
2. Romantic spanking opens lines of communications
3. There’s a community of spankos to provide support and advice
4. Adult spanking is the most common of all kinks
5. It can strengthen your relationship
6. Just picture those beautiful globes over your lap...
7. She's eager for this, really!
8. Compared to childbirth, the pain of a spanking is trivial
9. This is not punishment, think instead about spanking as foreplay
10. Spanking builds trust between partners
11. It's really OK to hit a woman, but only if she enjoys it
12. This isn't weird or unusual, it's just another kind of sex
13. You can be the strong, decisive man of her fantasies
14. What's not to like?
15. Do the initials B. J. hold any significance?
16. Many couples include erotic spanking in their lovemaking
17. Her dream can be your pleasure
18. It's something fun you can do together
19. You could make it a game
20. Spankings can relax her
21. If you don’t believe me, ask any other dedicated spanko
22. Role play spankings are great fun
23. If something doesn’t work, you don’t have to repeat it
24. It isn’t about the pain, it’s about a shared experience
25. This opens an exciting new chapter in your relationship
26. Spankings promote greater physical and emotional intimacy
27. Your willingness to try demonstrates your love for her
28. It's wonderful to feel completely in love again
29. With a safeword, she can tell you before things go truly wrong
30. She's your lover - It's OK if your fingers wander southward
31. The process of experimentation allows a couple to grow together
32. It’s with you she wants to share this secret
33. Spankings don’t have to be serious – You can laugh and joke
34. Most women’s bottoms are well padded - real damage is unlikely
35. Consensual spanking is not abuse
36. Spanking is a huge turn-on for her – That can only be good for you!
37. She won’t think that you’re mean if you’re doing as she asked
38. You could get her to dress up for her spanking
39. With a few simple rules, adult spankings are safe and fun
40. Women are tougher than you think
41. You can be her hero!
42. You'll love how her skin grows warm and pink
43. Hugs and kisses
44. It’s wonderful to spoon after a spanking
45. Make her smile – tease her about future spankings
46. You can start small and simple
47. She'll adore you all the more for listening to her needs
48. Haven't you always wanted to threaten to "tan her hide?"
49. It’s fun to collect and test various spanking implements
50. If she didn't agree, she wouldn't have shown you this list!

i WaNT THiS TSHiRT

GiRL GaMeRS

i found this amusing story here

http://www.erosblog.com/2007/04/16/gamer-girlfriends/

In a MMORPG forum I frequent, there was the usual bitching about unfixed game bugs, and the usual tired “I can’t wait until [Hot New Game] comes out so I can put this crap game behind me” complaint.
To which one fellow responded: Just like breaking up with a girlfriend for the little things. The next girl will have the same problems. {laughing}
I liked the response from the next poster: Euch! The next one’s gonna smell of cheese and have a hairy chest too?

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THiS WouLD HuRT

McCandless girl, 17, wounded by boyfriend

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

A 17-year-old McCandless girl was accidentally shot by her boyfriend Sunday while the two were engaged in "bedroom activities," police said.Timothy Madden, 23, of Ross, was charged with aggravated assault, reckless endangerment and corruption of a minor.The incident occurred just before 1 p.m. at Madden's residence in the Chateau Perry Apartments at 951 Perry Highway, said Ross senior detective and public information officer William Barrett."They were engaged in some bizarre activities in his bedroom," Barrett said. "The gun, we believe, accidentally discharged."The girl, who, as a juvenile, was not identified by police, was wounded in the groin with a .45-caliber handgun and was taken to an undisclosed hospital

http://www.postgazette.com/pg/05060/464503.stm

one of my favourite parts of chasing amy
as told by Hooper X about racism in starwars

"Always some white boy gotta invoke the holy trilogy! Those movies are about how the white man keeps the brother man down - even in a galaxy far, far away. Check this shit! You got cracker farm-boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy - blond hair, blue eyes. And then you've got Darth Vader: the blackest brother in the galaxy. Nubian God.Now Vader, he's a spiritual brother, with the force and all that shit. Then this cracker Skywalker gets his hands on a light-saber, and the boy decides he's gonna run the fucking universe - gets a whole Klan of whites together, and they're gonna bust up Vader's hood the Death Star. Now what the fuck do you call that!Gentrification! They're gonna drive our the black element, to make the galaxy quote, unquote safe' for white folks.Jedi's the most insulting installment, because Vader's beautiful, black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty white man! They're trying to tell us that deep inside, we all want to be white!

QuoTe oF THe WeeK
from the band BLOOD DUSTER
“Homosexuality is the new black. Get down with the brown or get out of town”

You ThiNK iTS oVeR But….
I’m going to court on Wednesday, the fuckers who robbed and bashed me years ago at a previous porn shop are finally going to court down here after doing time in Qld. When I was told its like my brains been peeled back and all the shit from after the robbery has come flooding back, which isn’t pleasant when you have had 24 hours a day headaches for the past 3 years, a recently fucked up rib area, lack of sleep from the rib injury, and other various personal shit. My emotions are more fucked up than they’ve ever been before. At the moment life sucks and if it wasn’t for my friends and family I’d probably go mental.

WoT i’M ReaDiNG aT MoMeNT

Best Sex Writing 2006, edited by Felice Newman & Frédérique Delacoste:
its not porn, it essays on the subject of sex, very easy to read and interesting subject matter that are as diverse as s&m and people of colour to anal fisting and its intimacy.
How to start your own secret society, by Nick Harding:
funny and also an insight into the way stuff structured in so called secret societies
Sex Parties 101 by Simon Sheppard:
pretty queercentric but a good read nice sense of humour and a few examples of good and bad stuff that’ll happen. Its given me few ideas to spice up mine and friends parties that have got a bit predictable lately, not necessarily rooting in the hallway stuff but things that’ll spice it up a notch or 2.
Speaking Sex To Power by Patrick Califia:
another good book by Pat, this ones non fiction and full of great articles about heaps of different things, opened my eyes to the fluidity of gender (pat’s a FTM trannie) and the usual blend of humour and down and dirty s&m.
Jim Goads GIGANTIC book of SEX:
from the author of the redneck manifesto and answer me comes a book that fucks with all the “sex positive” books around at the moment. Its hilarious and full with embaressing personal stuff about sex, rants about the sex industry and the workers within. Great book that’ll make you embarrassed and laugh yourself stupid at the same time.

No TV
In the flat I’m at, one of my flatmates put “his” tv in his room, leaving me and the other guy without a tv. Its isn’t that bad, we both worked weird hours, he gets to watch tv at work sometimes and I've been reading heaps. The only time I've watched anything worth watching was on my days off. Me and the other tv-less guy had been listening to cds, and the radio in the lounge. I get to see what’s in the news at work in the newspapers. Then a friend asked me to look after his warehouse for a month. He doesn’t have a tv, not that fussed, got a good stereo and space to do paintings and stuff. Fuck id like to live in a place this big for this cheap. So I haven’t had a tv for a month and bit, its no big loss, I get pissed off that I cant watch dvds, but no biggie.

PaiN, DraMaS & STuFF
Thurs. night: party at friends place, wore a tshirt that has the words “stacks on me” on it. Was jumped on about 4 times, ow!
Fri.: ate hangover food, tried to paint, my ribs hurt
Sat: worked 9am-6pm, blaaargh, ribs on left side hurt
(EASTER)
Sun: daytime, family picnic, played soccer with nephews and nieces, gym has finally paid off, not puffed out. My ribs still hurt
Sun: Night, clubbing, tied 3 friends to an A frame and whipped and spanked them, they loved it. My ribs hurt
Mon.: hangover curing junk food, my ribs still hurt, cant sleep properly, when I wake up I cant get back to sleep cos of pain.
Tues.: went to doctor, he sent me to hospital, told to come back tomorrow for a ultrasound of my spleen and a rib x-ray. Took night off work, cant sleep properly 'cos ribs hurt when I lie down.
Wed: went to hospital at 8am, got spleen checked and x-ray done, worked late that night 6pm-10pm, really knackered, still sore
Thurs.: didn’t do volunteer work, went to doctor to get results, they didn’t find anything, he thinks its internal bruising, still not sleeping properly, getting grumpy, worked 6-10
Fri.: day off, still sore, went to net café, met up with friend, Dr.P, down from uk at the tote and talked about life, the universe, reality, philosophers, bands, queer stuff, the uk, tv, women, hotties, knobheads, money, work, etc etc, (I’m so jealous of her life in the uk), went to club later, friend from uk was fun but had drama with another girl, blah blah. I don’t do games so don’t offer the cake if your gunna give it to someone else. I also get pissed off when people don’t get that you can have a friend of the opposite sex and its not sexual. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Got home 4am, did a painting 'til 6.30am cos its great to paint when your emotions are fucked. Still hard to get to sleep even though I have alcohol as a painkiller
Sat: recovering from night before, only had 4 hours sleep. Met up with old friend, chatted about last night. good to talk it out but I sometimes think she doesn’t get my lifestyle. She’s been in relationships as much as I havn't, so sometimes I think she doesn’t understand what its like to be alone for so long that you are happy to get any sort of affection. She’s one of my oldest friends and tells me when I’m being a knob and helps keep me grounded, she is one of the few anchors in my life. if your reading this, luv ya miss J. Ended up meeting up with another friend, Ms.S, in the city, she was at a Bi Vic meeting, had a drink and chat, I think they thought I was bi, but unfortunately not, I just a plain old hetro. I think I was being checked out and flirted with but its always harder when its directed at me. But I met some way cool people including a fellow comic nerd and a cute trannie (who my friend has the hots for I think). went home like a zombie and crashed out after some food.
Sunday: work 10am-6pm, I fucking hate my job today, I used to like it but now it sucks. Some old guy gave me a dirty look when I greeted him when he came in, I wanted to smash his wrinkly face in. that's when I decide I've had too much and I’m gunna quit doing weekends, I’m telling them tomorrow. Its scarey but feels right. I’m gunna get a new job, but what, I have no idea

5 ALBuMs THaT MeaN SoMeTHiNG To Me
pop will eat itself – box frenzy
the album that set me on the path to grebo. The weird samples, crazy beats, mad guitars and strange sense of humour appealed to me, from there I went on to other acts of the time such as cock rock greatness of Zodiac Mindwarp & the Love Reaction or the psychedelic nuttiness of Gaye Bykers On Acid. From pwei I was exposed to many other great acts, and even the great films of Darren Aronovsky (clint poppie does the soundtracks).

lion and the cobra – sinead oconnor
this album began my love of angry female singers, the anger that no one could hold back, the pissed off attitude with the voice of an angel. The woman who took no shit and didn’t care what others thought. The sound of someone who could rip your head off 5 minutes after fucking your brains out. It lead me to Skunk Anansie, MyRuin, Arch Enemy and even Peaches. It began my love of women with attitude who stood up for themselves and didn’t deny their anger as a dangerous male thing. its was my angry feminist awakening. It also started my love of women with short hair.

it takes a nation of millions to hold us back – public enemy
this album gave me my first taste of hip hop and politics. I still love good hip hop and s good booty shaking bass. I've got lots of respect for hip hop artists who don’t use clichés and talk shit. It turned me onto acts from across the planet, and my love of uk hip hop with the more political edge than the USA grew, with acts like Gunshot or Fundamental. I even like a bit of james brown or barry white is the moods right.
With this album my politics became more of a reality and its one of the things that made me the anarchist I am today

a mind is a terrible thing to taste – ministry
this album started my love with the more extreme industrial metal stuff, with the politics it was a lethal mix, it made me angry and I loved it. Helped me get into stuff by any of their side projects or fugazi, steve albini, nine inch nails, pitchshifter, killing joke, strapping young lad, etc.

the unbearable lightness of being a dickhead – mr floppy
the australian album that made me laugh years ago and still does now. Its great fucked up stuff with a retarded sense of humour. I saw them live heaps and no one since has done it as good as them.

Useful Expressions
from RecSex
by Em & Lo

Bear Market : a bar, party or other mingling spot with unfavorable pick up conditions
Bull Market : a bar, party or other mingling spot with favorable pick up conditions
Binge Fucking : overloading on casual sex usually before an occasion with an unfavorable booty forecast (also Carnal Loading or Storing Nuts)
Body Count : the total number if individuals with whom someone has slept with
Booty Budge : short for booty budget, the money you spend on stuff in the pursuit of booty (also Booty Tax)
Bounce : a booty call that’s on hold but can be called on again after the end of a long term relationship.
Bread Crumb Trail : anything that will help you remember how you woke up naked next to someone. e.g. Text messages, photos on digital cameras, matchbooks or receipts, anything from the night before
BUT : bi-curious until 30
Buyers Remorse : waking up after a casual encounter and not liking what you see
Collectible : someone you sleep with of a certain category or type they fulfill, also known as the “before-I-die” fuck.
Cuddle Party : a nonsexual , judgment-free space to explore, touch, intimacy, and affection with a bunch of strangers, basically a orgy with the fucking replaced by cuddling
Doing It For Science : engaging in a sexual activity you want to see why its like
Drive Thru : stopping by for a quickie then continuing on with your journey or a person who’s easy sexually (they’re open for late night business)
Dry Run : when you go home with someone but don’t go all the way
Economies of Scale : the theory that the more you put yourself out there the better you’ll do. Instead of approaching 5 people and getting 3 rejections you approach 50 you’ll get more numbers even with the rejections
Equal Opportunity Objectification : when women get in on the ogling game
Evangelism : sex as a tool of change, when you try to change a partners opinions/religion/philosophy/music tastes, so you can continue to fuck them (also sleeping with the enemy)
Evidence : all the stuff lying around your apartment that could significantly diminish your chances of getting laid
Fad Sex : position, sexual activity or accessory that experiences a sudden popularity increase due to a celebrity endorsement, magazine article, or appearance on hit TV show
Foreign Accent : the perfect accessory for a one night stand
Friends with Benefits : a kinder gentler term for fuck buddy
Friend Zone : a pigeon hole you place someone in from the 3 main categories, potential relationship, potential hookup or friend zone (a booty blackhole)
Fuck’n’Chuck : postcoital breakup
Fucksimile : a person you sleep with because they remind you of someone you really want to fuck
Google-gänger : someone who shares your name and is frequently mistaken for you by new acquaintances with a google habit
Google Goggles : the rose tinted glasses through which one views a new lover after a extensive internet search on them reveals very impressive results
Grief Therapy : any kind of sensual or sexual embrace that gives one comfort to take your mind off the grief your feeling (a mercy fuck, post traumatic sex)
Groucho Marx Syndrome : not wanting to belong to a club that wants you as a member, wanting what you cant have, or disliking someone when you find out they like you
Hate Fucking : not sex with someone you dislike, its sex with someone you hate with every pore of your being.
Home Game : when you make convince your booty call to come to you so you don’t have to get leave your house (ordering in)
Home Team Advantage : when your own area (bedroom, house, bar etc.) helps get you laid or makes a lasting impression
I-Cant-Believe-Its-Not-Bonking : anything that feels as good as sex, including anal or oral – but isn’t.
I-Deserve-It-Sex : sex intended to boost your self confidence
I've-Still-Got-It-Sex : sex intended to prove to yourself that you’ve still got it
Jumping Sharks : the phrase refers to the moment when you should’ve called the relationship off. It refers to the Happy Days episode when the Fonz jumped over a shark on water skis, its usually applied to the moment when something in pop culture starts turning to shite
Just Friends : a defensive description of a supposedly platonic relationship, 'cos if you’re really “just friends” you’d be “friends”. It implies that your relationship is a little complicated
Layaway : investments of time, money, effort, etc., that you make in order to convince someone to sleep with you.
LUG : lesbian until graduation
Mercy Fuck : sex with someone your not into but you do it because you feel sorry for them
Metabolize : the process of getting an ex out of your system
Method Dating : adopting personality traits of a person you are seeing
Mickey : someone who will try anything once or someone who is narrow minded but then when finally gives into trying something they become obsessed with it
Nooner : sex at or around noon on a work day
Occasion Sex : sex that’s hot due to circumstance
Palate Cleanser : rebound sex that gets rid of the bad taste in your mouth left by an ex
Phoning It In : unremarkable sex where you’re just going through the motions just out of habit (boregasm)
Play D’oh! : a casual sex blooper
Playdar : the casual sex equivalent of gaydar
Plot Spoiler : the top of the g-string that pokes out of the top of the top of your hipsters
Prenook : casual sex equivalent of a pre-nup, basically its about honest communication about both peoples intentions and expectations
Primer : nonsexual foreplay with someone you are yet to fuck
Quarterlife Crisis : the 20 something version of the mid life crisis, usually when they have to get serious about work, relationships, etc.
Rain Check : a promise that an unclaimed offer of sex will be valid for a later date
Returning To The Well : sex with a previous partner, usually because they’re easy and your lazy (double dipping)
Schrödingers Cat : something that feels like a date but could be accurately described as a period of hanging out as a prelude to fucking
Sexile : someone who has been banished from their room/flat/houses their housemate can get it on
Sexpat : sex tourist
Sexpectations : sexual expectations
Sextra : something that exceeds your sexpectations or a sexual fringe benefit
Snack, to : to make out without the intention of doing anything
Suspension of Disbelief : the willingness of casual sex partners to suspend their critical faculties to the extent of ignoring minor realities (annoying personality traits, marital status, stds, etc.) so as to attempt to have sex like they do in the movies, passionately, acrobatically and without consequence.
Take-Me-Back Sex : sex during a closure get together, typically a few weeks to a month after a breakup.
Team Player : at a 3-way or orgy the person ensures the cd doesn’t skip, chips, dips and condoms are constantly replenished, that everyone understands the rules, no one is made to feel uncomfortable and each attendee gets a little of what they came for.
Temp Work : casual sex you have until a better, more permanent relationship comes along.
Terror Sex : as a country’s terror alert rises so do the bases. The more fear, the more likely you are to go further in a shorter time.
Third Base Coach : the new casual partner who is particularly vocal about giving specific direction and criticism during an early sexual encounter
Three-Way : making the beast with 6 legs
Tofu Boyfriend/Girlfriend : someone you go out with 'cos they go with everything or because you can bend them to your will and they will take on your flavour
You-Where-Wrong-To-Leave-Me Sex : it’s take-me-back sex when initiated by a realist. Its more acrobatic and less about eye contact, its to impress rather than bond.
Umfriend : an acquaintance of uncertain status, as in “this is my… um … friend”
Unicorn : any creature that is considered to be rare – or even mythical – in the world. For example, a sexy confident woman who really means it when she says prefers nice guys, a single guy with sense of style, humour and no commitment issues, etc.
Unilateral Casual Sex : having sex as if no one else is involved.
Walk of Shame/Fame : the return route to your residence the morning after an unexpected sleepover.

i like this cartoon, it was at the Dole Diary blog (look at my links)

NoT aLL R&B
I read recently that Janet Jackson likes to listen to nine inch nails during sex, but not all the time because, in her words, “you’d be bruised, cut up and a little raw”
Scary mental image there, but strangely trouser tightening

FuNNY QuoTe FRoM a DiRTY BooK
“… when he jizzed in her asshole, she drooled from her mouth like it was going right through her ass and down a tube to her throat.”

JaCK HaNDeY QuoTe
“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it”

WeiRD THiNGS LaTe aT NiGHT
I was catching a tram down st.kilda road recently and saw 2 possums wrestling in the middle of the road. They weren’t fucking, they were fighting. they seemed oblivious to the possibility of a car turning them into double roadkill. They looked up at the tram as I looked out at them. Weird

DreaM LooP
I had a couple of weird dreams recently
In one I was describing a dream to someone, the dream I was describing id never actually had outside of the dream. I was describing a dream I had about the actor colin farell, but then I realised I was actually telling colin farrell that I had a dream about him.
Was it a dream loop, was I telling him about the actual dream I was having?

SMeLLoViSioN
The other dream I had was that I could turn off my eyesight and see people with my sense of smell. They looked like multicloured clouds around a black shadow. Iwas telling people that with smellovision I could smell things way after theyd happened cos smells linger

PiCK uP LiNeS
-If you & i were squirrels could i bust a nut in your hole?
-Id like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag!

SHaKeY LeG PeoPLe
what the fuck is up with all the shakey leg people on public transport, they cant sit still for 5 minutes without the leg bouncing up and down and shaking the whole fucking seat. are they fucking retarded, what the fuck i wrong with them, fuck off you shakey legged freak.

FaKe BReaSTS
a comment on fake boobies
"if the fishing lure doesnt look like a fish it aint gunna catch anything"

FaKe FaLL FReaK
I was near prahran station around 5pm and saw a guy full over, so I walked over and helped him up, when I helped him up he kept on trying to fall over or walk towards the road. He said he wanted to end it all and jump in front of a car, I pulled him back from the road. He kept on trying to go on the road, but something didn’t seem right. So I left him and said something to him like "fine, go ahead" and walked off. He stopped trying to go onto the road and followed me to the station. I saw him walk along the station and say something to people as he passed them, probably something like "I’m gunna jump in front of the train", he said it to 3 people and then left the station, but I heard someone say "are you ok" he was doing the fake fall again! I heard him say something about jumping in front of the train but when the guy tried to stop him he just repeated it. The guy must’ve realized the fake fall guy was a nut and said something like "fuck off or ill call the cops" I walked out and saw the guy do another fake fall when another person was walking towards him. Id had enough of the nutter and was about to call 000 but as I held my mobile up to my ear the guy saw me and must’ve realized what I was doing and ran. He fucked off real quick. The train turned up and as I was traveling to the city I was wondering about why he does it, how often he does that stuff, did he run because he’s been in trouble with the cops for doing it previously, does he get off on it, and if I should’ve actually rang the cops and dobbed him in, 'cos someone could fall for his shit and get mega freaked out. So if your ever near prahran station keep an eye out for the fake fall guy.

WoT iM ReaDiNG @ THe MoMeNT oR HaVe ReCeNTLY FiNiSHeD
- Bitchfest (10 years of cultural criticism from the pages of bitch magazine) – edited by lisa jervis & andi zeisler
- Stoned, naked & looking in my neighbours window (the best confessions from GroupHug.us) – compiled by gabriel jeffrey
- Bone (the complete series in 1 volume) – Jeff Smith
- Alan Moore’s Writing For Comics
- Sex Lives of Australian Teenagers – joan sauers
- The John Project (real interviews with dudes who pay for sex) – Robin Bougie
- em & lo’s Rec Sex (an a-z guide to hooking up) – Em & Lo

STRaNGe BuT True
- The 1st episode of the happy days spin off show Joanie loves Chachi was the highest rating show in Sth.Korean history, probably because "chachi" in korean is slang for penis
- Cutting a hole in your pocket to masturbate without being caught is called sacofricosis
- In ancient Rome the traditional punishment for a 1st time rapist was to smash his genitalia between 2 large stones
- One irogmophobia is fear of wet dreams
- At the center for marital and sexual studies in long beach California found that the most orgasms in an hour for a woman was 134 and 16 for a man
- A "buckle bunny" is a rodeo cowboy groupie
- Dishabiliophobia is the fear of undressing in front of someone
- According to research, a man’s beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex
- A blind chameleon will still change its colour to blend in with its surrounding
- Emil Minty who played the feral kid in MadMax2 is now a jeweler
- All of Jaoquin Phoenix’s leather clothes in Walk the Line are synthetic because he is a strict vegan
- The man who played Eric Draven in The Crow after Brandon Lee’s death was Chad Stalehski
- There are 3000 quintillion individual living things living on this planet, 0.000,000,000,000,000,000,000,13% are humans
- A single pinhead of the sun’s raw material would kill someone 160km away
- The sentence "pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs" contains every letter of the alphabet

DeaTH
The eternal blink, the dance of the Now You Stop Moving Forever

300% iMPoTaNT
Penis don’t work, also got a burnt tongue & broken fingers.

Aaron Petersen
22/08/71 – 05/03/07
you will be missed a lot

GooD aDViCe
From a letter to Esquire Magazine, this sound advice:
Never let your wife shave your balls when she has the hiccups.

Britney has been shaved to make it easier for her to lube herself up so she can slide into G.W.B's rectum.

Shes gunna wear him like a presidential skinsuit

JoB HaTe
one of the many things i hate about my job is the fact that 90% of the customers cant look me in the eye, or just try to pretend im not there, which is hard when you buying something

JoB LauGH
what makes me laugh is when a customer answers their phone and pretends to be somewhere else, i am so tempted to yell out "do you need help with the dildos sir"

JoB PiTY
sometimes i feel sad for customers, we have losers who go from shop to shop with a sports bag full of videos and swap one from here and one from there. theyve got around 20 vids in their bags too.
Fuckin losers

HiLaRiouS
"A YOUNG beggar in Dublin city centre, who refused to move on when asked by gardai, opened her blouse took out her breast and sprayed breast milk over the garda when told she was going to be arrested. "

psycho cat!!!!!!

the tshirt says
front "who needs big tits..."
back "when you have an ass like this"

i like this tshirtand i know a few ladies who could wear it.....

more pics

found this at fuzzysquid -->

BRa SiZeS..
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up

MRS.PaLMeR oR MR.PaLMeR?
i was having a chat with a gay pal recently and asked him what the gay version of "mrs palmer and her 5 daughters" was. he said for him it was "MrPalmer and the 5 firemen" cos they gotta know how to handle a hose!

SeCReT LiFe oF FooTY PLaYeRS
During another chat with another gay pal we discussed the secret life of footy players. He reckons he gave a blowjob to a very big star (im not gunna reveal his name). I heard about one guy who had a trannie freind who would meet up with a certain footy player and theyd dress as women and pretend to be lesbains. He said he knows a few footy players with trannie girlfriends, but if you saw them you wouldnt know, theyre either post-op or almost-op.
Can you imagine if at the Bronwlow Medal Award a guy with trannie girlfriend won and his girlie got so excited that she cracked a fat!

aVeLiNe
you will be missed

B.D.O NeWBieS
On the way to work this morning and a few times when i was standing outside work i saw lots of people waiting for the tram to the big day out. Its easy to spot the newbies cos theyre way too excited and loud. About one in every 15 had on thongs. What a bunch of fucking idiots. Its broken toe/foot time!!!!

Too LoW?
i was at the espy on aust day eve, a guy on stage had the low pants look happening, but his pant were so low i could see the top of his legs on one side. His boxers where higher than the top of his pants!!

PiNK SoCK
A Pink Sock is a porno term for what happens when you pull an unlubricated object out of someones arse too quick

BDO BaBY BooM
i wonder if there is a baby boom 9 months after the big day out. not from the people there but from their parents finally getting some time alone

FReaKY
i was home alone and half asleep on the couch and rolled over to answer a text, and i swear for a second i saw a woman standing or kneeling next to me. It freaked me out!

heres some NYE pics
me and alice, drunk methinks
me just before the mysterious midnight masonic ritual

Last of the Proverbs:
Evil may spring from the tiniest thing
Irish
A kind word never broke anyone's mouth
Irish
To shear a pig is to cause a great commotion over very little wool
Irish
There are 2 sides to every story and 12 versions of every song
Irish
Hope to recoup is what ruins the gambler
Irish
The only cure for love is marriage
Irish
The tongue has no bones, yet it can break bones
Greek
Water drinkers do not write songs
Greek
A vineyard does not require prayers, but a hoe
Greek
The mills of the gods grind slow, but they grind small
Greek
When it is cold there are no dirty clothes
Japanese
Those who know do not speak, those who speak do not know
Japanese
1st man drinks wine, the wine drinks wine, then wine drinks man
Japanese
A quick temper does not bring quick success
Japanese
Fear is not obstacle to death
West African
Against the illness of death there is no medicine
West African
Even the tongue and the teeth quarrel now and then
African
The servant takes the trouble, tha master takes the praise
African
Dirty water cannot be washed
African
The bitter heart eats its owner
Bantu/African
A knife does not know its master
Congolese
A bald doctor cannot cure baldness
Congolese
Annoy your doctor and sickness will come laughing
Rhodesian
Though the lion growls, it will not eat its child
Rhodesian
The wound given by a friend does not heal
Kenyan
Gossiping and lying are brother and sister
Kenyan
Cross the river before you tease the crocodile
Sudanese
Who makes you pay in tears, you make him pay in blood
Ugandan
A man should not rub butts with a porcupine
Ashanti
A roaring lion kills no game
Ugandan
He who steals must also learn to run
Tanganyikan
He who forgets the aim of his journey is still on the road
Tanganyikan
Pain is an excellent instructor
American
To wash a pig is to waste both water and soap
American
Give a dog a bad name and it will begin to stink
American
There is no darkness like ignorance
Egyptian
Throw a lucky man into a river and he comes out with a fish in his mouth
Egyptian
There are no fans in hell
Egyptian
Five fingers are not equal
Turkish
He who seeks harm finds it
Turkish
After 3 days, a fish and a guest begin to stink
French
Feed a raven and it will pick out your eyes
French
Adams rib is more bitter than sweet
French
Why be miserable for the sake of pleasure
India
The deceitful carry a double load
Hindi
The tongue speaks best when moistened
Croatian
The one who washes off dirt, washes off luck
Mongolian
A hair seperates the false from the true
Persian
Work and you will be strong, sit and you will stink
Berber
A young puppy does not fear the tiger
Korean
Wealth covers all faults
Kurdish
A lucky mans first child is a daughter
Spanish
He who walks in evil ends in evil
Mexican
If you want to keep your milk sweet, leave it in the cow
Liberian
4 galloping horses cannot overtake the tongue
Confucius
Even the nibbling rabbit can gorge itself to death
Tibetan
The hare that escaped had 8 legs
Sinhalese
A narrow place is large to the narrow minded
Turkmenistani
Better to lose a little money than a little friendship
Malayan
A thousand gold pieces in debt may be settled with a silver tongue
Korean

theres probably a few doubles from previous posts but i cant be fucked checking
im not going to apologise cos its my blog and if you are upset by double proverbs you are obviously spending to much time on the net, go outside and get some fresh air you toss pot

CHoCoLaTe:
The botanical name of the chocolate plant is Theobramba Cacao, which means “food of the gods”
The spanish explorer Hernandos Cortés found aztec indians using cacao beans to prepare a drink called xocolatl, which means “warm liquid”. The aztecs believed that cacao seeds came from a white bearded god Quetzalcoatl, who brought cacao to earth from paradise.

SoN oF uRiNaL MaN?
British ploics are hunting a man who stole a urinal froma pub bathroom. The suspect walked into the Royal Oak pub in Southhampton, on the english south coast, ordered half a pint of beer and made several visits to the men’s toilet.
He carefully removed a white urinal from the wall, stuffed it into a rucksack and was captuerd in closed circuit tv walking out with the bulging rucksack on his back.

iM iN LoVe
It has been reported actress Bai Ling says she enjoys sex so much she wants to die doing it. The bisexual star, 36, claims to sleep with as many people as possible. She says “Anything you can imagine, ive done it. I love being naked and I love men and women – especially when drunk. I want to die making love. Sex is the best high. For me a one night stand and a lifetime commitment are the same.”

strange happenings
- i saw a guy spit on an atm when he saw his balance receipt
- i saw a guy with arms like tree trunks delivering weightlifting powder to a shop that sells discount vitamins, his car was full of the stuff

DReaMS
i keep having dreams that im in lord of the rings, does this mean im Tolkien in my sleep?

WHY?
Why do women in scifi always wear high heels, even when their cyborgs? Wouldnt a flat heeled shoe be easier to walk in?

HiCCuP CuRe
Runaway electrical impulses in the vagus nerve cause intractable hiccups, so Fesmire attempted to block them by stimulating the nerve. Gagging, tongue pulling, sinus massage and pressing the eyeball to stimulate the vagus all failed to stop the hiccups. Then he remembered reading about a case in which digital rectal massage – inserting a finger into a patient’s anus – had slowed a racing heartbeat, an effect similar to runaway hiccups.
“It worked, and the rest is history,” he says. He has not needed to go that far again for other patients, but Majed Odeh of Bnai Zion Medical Center in Haifa, Israel, did a few years later and wrote a paper with the same title that earned him a share of the Ig Nobel.
However, Fesmire will not be trying it again. In researching his Ig Nobel acceptance speech, he told New Scientist that he found a treatment sure to be more popular with hiccup patients. “An orgasm results in incredible stimulation of the vagus nerve. From now on, I will be recommending sex – culminating with orgasm – as the cure-all for intractable hiccups.”

BaD SeX
i have such a bad sex life when i wank my hand falls asleep

CLaSSY DeSCRiPTioN
an english mags classy description of a porn starlet
"once opened up, you could get 2 pounds of mince into that bumhole along with 2 cocks, and this bint would still be begging for more meat to be packed inside her arse"

LuBe:
when doing anal it goes from lubri-cant to lubri-can

NYE
i went to a bush doof this year,
- wore a masonic apron for a while, got bored and took it off, shouldve just worn the apron and nothing else
- wore a tshirt that said "stacks on me", a couple of friends did, (i had a pants on, so no nye action)
- had to climb a steep hill after midnight to text people cos mobile reception wasnt possible in bottom of valley where rave was
- i got sore legs from dancing on a hill
- the tent nearly flew away in a rainstorm
- got wet, muddy, dusty and a little bit sunburnt
- .....but had a fun night with friends so alls good

FuNNY NYe ReSPoNSe
i texted a friend to see what he did on nye and got this reply
"ended up in the gutter somewhere in suburbia, covered in spew, 10c under my tongue & a sticky arse!"

some lovely pics of me
FREAK HAND TRICKS


shut your fucking mouth!

NeRD LuV
i saw a cute girl with glasses in the train, she was playing with her PSP, i got a nerd boner in my brain

NeW eXPReSSioN
a moose knuckle is the camel toe effect on a man

N.Y.E.
when at a bottle shop buying booze for nye remeber that its better to pass out than run out

MeDiCaL NaMeS
Flatus Vaginalus - fanny fart
Natal Cleft - bum crack
Venus Observa - missionary position

Too MuCH
a customer came in and bought a vibrating penis extender, spanish fly & 2 different delay products (indian god lotion & sta erect creme)
I hope he doesnt overdo the delay stuff or he'll be waiting a week for the feeling to come back

GiRLS LoVe HiM
The longest human tongue ever recorded was that of Stephen Taylor and measures 9.5 centimetres (3.74 inches). The longest tongue for a female is that of Annika Irmler at 7 centimetres (2.76 inches)

BeaT QueeN
On the night of 21st. October 1953 John Gielgud was arrested for homosexual importuning in Chelsea and ordered to appear before a magistrate the following morning. On the charge sheet he described himself as 'Arthur Gielgud, 49, a clerk, of Cowley Street Westminster' and he pleaded guilty and apologised. He was fined £10. He had followed the usual practice of the time of giving a false job description in the hope that the press would not pick up on the incident. If he had been more bold he might also have given a false name but the best that he could bring himself to do was to give his name as Arthur Gielgud. (He should have followed Alec Guinness's example of seven years earlier in 1946 when he gave the name Herbert Pocket after a similar incident.)

SiX PaCK
I read a theory that a sixpack stomach isnt a expression of male powe but a muscular arnour to keep the world out.
I'm proudly open to the world!

PaNSeXuaL
definition of pansexual:
genitals are irrelevant, people are not!

DouBLe DooDLe
since 1609 there has been 80 documented cases of men with 2 penises!

RoCKiN ouT
if men rock out with their cock out, what do women do?

They jam out with their clam out!!!!!

ToNSiLiTiS SiDe eFFeCT
the last few days have been weird, every time I cough I burp!
maybe its the last side effect of the tonsillitis, fucked if I know but its sorta funny at the moment, soon it'll piss me off

CHeaTiNG
How to tell if a guys cheating on you
Get a dentist plaque disclosing tablet (it makes plaque go red) and put it in his bath. If he's had a blowjob recently remnants of the plaque will show up red on his dick

no chicken in the chicken shop
have you ever been into a shop that primarily sells one type of food, and theyve run out of it?
in the last couple of years i have been into Nandos and its less hot clone Oportos and have been told numerous times they have no chicken and itll be a 20 min wait for more. WTF!!!!! its a fucking chicken shop and you have no chicken, what are you selling, salads and chips? its happened at 1pm in the afternoon at one shop, thats totally fucking slack, are the managers retarded? dont they know that weekends are busier thatn weekdays? its strange that this has only happened to me in the past 5 years, it never happened when i was growing up, why are thses idiots opening franchises if they dont know how to order the right amount of food. i hope the fucker goes broke cos people walk out.

baked bean bloody mary
pour some tomato juice and vodka ibnto a glass, pour a tin of baked beans through a stariner so only the bean juice goes into the glass. add tabasco, worcester sauce and rim glass with a lemon.
drink!

so true!
a quote from Devin Townsend from the band Strapping Young Lad at a recent metal festival in the uk. "there's 10 guys here for every girl, welcome to the sausage festival"

ToNSiLiTiS
I’ve been sick for a week now, I've got tonsillitis. I have a fever that comes and goes, I need to drink lots of water. A few days ago I freaked out when I lost the feeling in part of my hands. I rang a friend (Ms.L) and she came around and took me to the Alfred Hospital’s emergency room. I waited for about an hour, while waiting it got worse, I had tingling in my feet and hands and felt like I was gunna faint. Eventually they took me out the back, checked my blood pressure, temperature and throat, 1st time was nurse, then 15min later a doctor, both looked at my throat and said “woah!”. Must’ve been bad. They put me in a gown and took me to the overnight ward. They gave me 2 panadols and a morphine tablet. Morphine’s weird, I still felt pain in my throat I just didn’t care. Then a nurse took 3 vials of blood to be tested, and connected a drip to my arm, a bag of saline and a bag of some medicine. They filled me with about 3-4 bags of saline and 2 bags of medicine. After a hour or so I started to sweat, and it didn’t stop, it was gross. I went for a piss and when I got back the bed was cold from the sweat. Luckily I had another blanket so I put that underneath me. Eventually a doc came in checked me out, said I was okay to go. I had a shower there before leaving to get rid of the sweatiness. My boxers where a bit nasty from absorbing sweat all night so I used the unused sick bag I had from earlier and put them into that.
The night sucked but the nurses were cool so that made it more pleasant.
I still feel sick, I've got a sore throat still, but I can eat. I think I still have a bit of a fever 'cos I’m get sweaty sometimes and its not that hot. Its gunna be a while before I’m 100% again, so I’m gunna take it easy.


DReaM
Last night I had a weird dream, I was at a huge party in a black tiled shower trying to get sand out of my jocks, and lots of women kept coming into the bathroom wanting to join me in the shower, of course it let them. I eventually threw my wets jocks at the woman in another shower on the opposite side of the room. It was great, no sex just lots of wet semi-naked high level flirting and mucking around.
It sucked when I woke up.


HaWaiiaN NaSTieS:
The Hawaiian black magicians, the Kahuna Ana’ana celebrated a figurehead called Kanaloa, a squid-god much like Lovecrafts Cthulhu.

a LoT oF PRoVeRB’S:
Open lips make cold teeth – Japanese
If you curse a man, the will be 2 graves – Japanese
Wine begins with a ceremony and ends with a riot – Japanese
1 elephant cannot stir up very much dust – African
He who laughs at poverty attracts if to himself – African
If you have, people know it – WestAfrican/Côte d’Ivoire
It is the beaten man who clamors for more fighting – French
Misfortune comes on horseback and goes away on foot – French
No feast, no friendship – Tamil
It is never too late to die – Yoruban
Lawmakers are lawbreakers – Bantu
A bird leaves no trace of flight – Thai
A kind word never broke anyone’s mouth – Irish
Marriage is a voyage, a child shipwreck – Berber
Power is sweet to nurse, bitter to wean – Egyptian
A house that has 2 mistresses is unswept – Persian
1 sheep bleats and the whole flock is thirsty – Finnish
Most men refuse to be nothing but thankless – Islamic
Strength does not prevent a man from dying – Kenyan
Pawn your tongue and it cannot be redeemed – Ashanti
In the village of the one-eyed, close one eye – Sudanese
People will pay more for lies than for the truth – American
A childs hand and a pigs trough must always be full – Swiss
If you wish to be blamed, marry; if you wish to be praised, die – Abyssinian

FeaR
ANTIDAEOPHOBIA – fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you

BLueBaLLS:
the medical term for blue balls is:
prostatic congestion

I DoNT HaVe eNouGH TiMe:
Sexologist Gershon Legman said there was around 14,288,400 possible sexual positions

SCaReY THiNGS
Ithyphallophobia is the fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis. I only have this fear when its pointed at me and getting closer.

ReLaTioNSHiP eNHaNCeMeNT aDViSoR PRoBLeMS:
- guy complianing that $30 vibrator was "more expensive than my asian mail order bride" while she was standing next to him
- piss smelling lesbian wanted escort info for a lesbain pisser to visit her. she stank out the shop with her pissy smell. guy said he considered dirty sanchezing himself to avoid the smell
- one guy bought 17 bottle of amyl, suicide by amyl maybe
- people coming in asking for the guy who works weekdays, then look sad when i explain he only works 5 days a week. it happens every weekend.
- people asking us to pick their porn movie choice for them

LoVeLY QuoTes To ReMeMBeR:

everytime you see a rainbow, god is having gay sex

i would rather fuck who i want, than kill who im told to

NeW WoRD:
SHENIS - the opposite of a MANGINA

PRoVeRB’S aGaiN:
“If you dig a hole for a lie, don’t dig it too deep”
nigerian
“a kind word never broke anyone’s mouth”
irish
“a house that has 2 mistresses is unswept”
persian
“if you curse a man, there will be 2 graves”
japanese

SeXuaL iNNueNDoS FroM StaRWaRS
“Judge me by my size, do you?”
- Yoda, after Luke exclaims “I cant. It’s too big”
“Now lets blow this thing and go home”
- Han Solo, encouraging Luke to aim for the shaft
“Impressive. Most Impressive”
- Darth Vader, upon seeing luke’s flexibility
“It’s possible he came through the south entrance”
- random rebel about Luke
“Luke, at that speed, do you think you’ll pull out in time?”
- another random rebel about Luke

HaHa VeRY FuNNY
Q - what’s got 4 legs and the face of a 6 year old?
A - a pitbull!

HoW To MaKe SoMeoNe uNCoMFoRTaBLe:
Put on a porno dvd and stare at them while they watch it, occasionally lick your lips for added disturbingness

BoWeL CHuGGiNG:
Give a wino an enema, then squeeze his belly while placing your lips on his anus. What comes out should give you a buzz because its got the alcohol in it that his fucked liver cannot process properly

DoN’T FuCK WiTH THe BaLDieS
Patrick Stewart said that when Gene Roddenbury was asked why he cast a bald guy as the captain of a starship in the 24th century, by then wont they have a cure for baldness. His answer was that by then no one would care if you were bald.

WoRD CoNFuSioN
In the USA the word pissed means angry and the word spew means to ejaculate. So if your out on the town and getting pissed don’t tell your american buddies that you are so pissed your gunna spew.

LaTiN LeSSoN
Sic itur ad astra
Such is the path to the stars

PRoVeRB MaDNeSS:
“He who seeks harm finds it”
Turkish
for emo kids

“If you want to keep your milk sweet, leave it in the cow”
Liberian
for the vegans

“A roaring lion kills no game”
Ugandan
for those trying to pick up

“Hope to recoup is what ruins the gambler”
irish
…but it’s the casinos profit

“Gossiping and lying are brother and sister”
Kenyan
who’s the mum and dad?

“Adam’s rib is more bitter than sweet”
French

“A vineyard does not require prayers, but a hoe”
Greek

“Good luck invites many mishaps”
Japanese

“He who forgets the aim of his journey is still on the road”
Tanganyikan

TaLeS FRoM ReTaiL HeLL
A suit wearing fucker after a quick browse in the porn shop asked to use the toilet. This happens quiet often, we never let them use it no matter how busting for a piss they say they are cos they’re most probably have a wank in there, or worse.
The suit wearing fucker was refused and suddenly got an attitude, saying stuff like “do you want me to spend money here?” and when refused again and told that there was a public toilet across the road he got worse, saying stuff like “you think you’re so fucking good working in a porno shop”. These 2 comments reveal the fuckers mind, he thinks that because he’s a suit wearing toss pot who earns heaps of money he is better than a lowly porno worker because in his mind we are the low end of retail assistants, and all retail assistants must bow before the almighty suit wearing fuck face with lots of money.
He was told to leave the shop, he ranted and swore some more then tried some other wanky comment about how porn guys are not as good as they think or similar, but was told by the calm retail guy “is that the best you can do? Get the fuck out” this infuriated him and he said “you cant say that to me” eventually after being told to leave a few times he got the message and left swearing as he went. This fucker was extremely lucky the attendant stayed calm, I know a few who would’ve jumped put from behind the counter and thrown the fucker head first down the stairs. Try explaining where you got your injuries from then, suit boy.
One of the great things about problem customers. they complain about something and then get told store policy prevent refunds as the huge sign behind the counter states, they ask to speak to the manager, and get told he will back our side because he’s the one who made up the store policy. Then they threaten to sue us and try and get all scarey and legal, when we just say “go ahead, sue us, if you are prepared to go to court to tell everyone that the “Help My Ass Is On Fire” DVD didn’t work in your shitty lap top, even though it worked in our store dvd player when you tried to return it. It usually shut them up and they leave. What little power retail workers have, we love to use on arseholes.

QuoTe FroM ChaRLie ChaPLiN aBouT SeX:
“If there’s grass on the wicket, lets play cricket!”

iNSPiRaTioN FoR CoMiC
I cant remember where I heard or read it but recently I heard that the in the Xmen comics its 2 main characters, Charles Xavier and magneto were inspired by Martin Luthor King jr. and Malcolm x.
2 people with same problem with 2 solutions, ones uses pacifist means, the other prefers a more militant response, but they both have a mutual respect for the other.

TaBLoiD vs PoRN
From working in a newsagent and a porn shop I noticed something. The amazing amount of women who buy shitty gossipy tabloid magazines like Women’s Weekly, TV Week, New Idea, NW, Who, etc. etc. I am constantly hearing women complain that porn is offensive to them, but ignore the shit women are reading. when someone tells me porn is offensive to women because of unrealistic images of women, ill tell them I find the tabloid shit I see women buying offends me because there is no way I could look like Brad Pitt, cook like the Naked Chef, afford or even want to wear the latest clothes like any other celebrity. At least porn mags has minimal text, most of the tabloid shit is full of inane crap that bores me shitless. Recently I saw a photo of a celebrity walking out of a restaurant and the caption said something about pregnancy rumours because she was holding her stomach. For fuck sake, she was walking out of a restaurant, she was probably full and wanted to burp or take a shit. Anorexic freak Nicole Richie is in most mags as both as someone who needs help because shes so skinny, but then later on is looked upon as a style icon because of her good taste in clothes and makeup. She is so disgustingly skinny it makes me wonder about the guys shes hanging out with’s state of mind. Are they in it for the fame or are they really into anorexia, maybe its just the lack of a gag reflex in the bulemic?
Men have magazines that are just naked celebrities, the tabloids have the same shit but its in so many different forms like stars without makeup, bad bikini photos, cellulite shots, post baby body comaprisans with pre baby bodies, and all the rest of the shit thats supposed to make women feel better because it makes the celebrity more human, but in reality its just perpetuating the beauty myth, that imperfection must be fixed or laughed at.
I like imperfection its what makes people individuals. To mock imperfection is to mock individuality, which may be fine for the trendy clones but it bores me. My middle finger faces you and points to the sky.

BLaH BLaH BLaH PRoVeRBS:
“do good, and you will find good”
berber
“dirty water cannot be washed”
african
“the one who suffers much knows much”
west african
“eggs and vows are easily broken”
japanese
“even the tongue and the teeth quarrel now and then”
african
“a man should not rub butts with a porcupine”
ashanti
“even the nibbling rabbit can gorge itself to death”
tibetan
“five fingers are not equal”
turkish
“first man drinks wine, then wine drinks wine, then wine drinks man.”
japanese
“feed a raven and it will pick out your eyes”
french
“fear is no obstacle to death”
west african
“evil may spring from the tiniest thing”
irish
“a quick temper does not bring quick success”
japanese
“four galloping horses cannot overtake the tongue”
confucius
“give a dog a bad name and it will begin to stink”
american

MiND YouR oWN FuKN BuSiNeSS
I was walking to the tram stop on saturday morning on the way to work, when some pudgy bogan fuckwit woman told me to “smile, it cant be that bad” I was about to say mind your own fucking business when she added “are you looking for a girl?” that’s when I just mumbled “No” and kept going.
The first comment I've been getting for years, why the fuck is it any of their business why I look this way, maybe I should’ve told her to stop eating shit and exercise then shed lose some weight and get so much attention she wouldn’t have to be so concerned with strangers moods
The second comment freaked me out and made me feel sick, do I look so desperate that id be looking for a prossie at 8am.
Fucking nosey people piss me off.

JoKe:
How do metallica like their toast?
Buttery, buttery, BUT-TER-RY!

I FeeL oLD
I was in tram and a bunch of emo girls were on it. Doing makeup, hair, changing out of school uniforms. They were so loud I couldn’t help but listen to them. They seemed to be going to an all ages gig at the hifi bar. They were talking about getting a tshirt, jacket, shirt, etc. of the main band, they seemed to be more interested in the clothes than the music, I never heard them once mention the music. When we passed a hairdresser they got all excited cos someone was wearing a “hey ho lets go” tshirt, not a ramones shirt and hey ho lets go shirt. Id just bought some shoes at the converse factory outlet and they got excited when they spotted my bags as I left the tram, I heard one of them say “ooh, converse”. Very lame ladies.

BiSeXuaL FuTuRe
If humans ever get off earth and meet aliens there may be extreme differences in the gender of the aliens we meet. But knowing humans they’ll try to be fucked by or fuck the aliens. Eventually when the humans get back to earth they will realize than gender is not as important as we think and most people will be bisexual 'cos they fuck aliens genders why not both earth ones.

MeRCHaNDiSe
Smart bands now should make more tshirts and hoodies than cds, cos fans can download the bands stuff from the net but its harder to bootleg a piece of clothing and a hoodies sells for up to $70, you’d get more profits than a cd would.

GooD ReTaiL iDea
UK lingerie shop Coco der Mer has added a monitor and webcam to their change rooms so you can email pics of yourself to friends
www.coco-de-mer.co.uk

IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH!
The 4th edition of Dildos Not Bombs is now in Polyester Books in Brunswick St., Fitzroy. (the sticky zine shop in the city wont stock it because of its explicit content WANKERS!)
Its got amazing articles about sodomy, the hankie code, speculums, evil old homophobes, male body image and even rusty trombone!
Go buy it, its fukn cheap and a good toilet read.

BLaH BLaH BLaH PRoVeRBS:
“though the lion growls, it will not eat its child.”
Rhodesian
“the tongue has no bones, yet it can break bones.”
Greek
“The tongue speaks best when moistened.”
Croatian
“A narrow place is large to the narrow minded”
Turkmenistani
“Annoy your doctor and sickness will come laughing”
Rhodesian
“Better to lose a little money than a little friendship”
Malayan
“Daylight will peep through a very small hole”
Japanese
“Cross the river before you tease the crocodile”
Sudanese

2 LoVeLY QuoTeS:
- “Blood is thicker than water, but so is cum!!!!
- “Anal sex is like spinach. If you are forced to have it when young, you wont like as an adult.”

HoMoeRoTiC
why is a picture of a naked man homoerotic but a picture of a naked woman not?
isnt a picture of a naked woman homoerotic to a lesbian?

WHY LaTe NiGHT WoRK SuX
I just heard today that Kevin Smith (the creator of clerks, mallrats, chasing amy, dogma, jay and silent bob strikes back, etc) is doing an q&a session at the Astor theatre on a week night for the australian release of Clerks2. It had to be when they are making me work 5 nights and a 1 day a week 'cos we’ve had 2 people quit in the space of a month. I’m not a film nerd and I cant think of any questions to ask him about his films, but after reading a recent article by him in Arena magazine at work I’d probably ask him how his anal fissure is, and how’s his bum health. Its in the edition of Arena with the free deck of cards and jamie pressley on the cover.

HaNDS FRee WaNK
When working in retail you have to put up with wanker, in porn shops even more so. Some guy came in and wanted to buy 3 dvds and a wank machine. Its sorta like a reverse pearl vibe. It’s a tube with rotating beads on the inside. I got the dvds and told him I had to test the tube to see if it worked (I aint gunna take it back once it leaves the shop). the fucker lets out on of those sighs like its such a pain to wait a couple of minutes. Funny shit was the wank tube didn’t work, I had to grab another one and that didn’t work too. We only had 2 in stock, he was a bit pissed off. Thinking he was gunna have a bit of hands free action but then reduced to using his hand. I was apologetic but as he paid he made some comment like, “you should realise people like to get out of these sort of places as quick as possible” Oh really, I would never have known, I’ve only been working on and off in shops like this for 8 years. Fucking dumb ass! I did my usual, not my fault the products fucked, trying to sound apologetic, while not really giving a fuck. He was probably just another guy in town on business who’s wants a hands free wank in a hotel room. If he was a guy in a wheelchair who really needed the product because of physical problems I would’ve helped him pick another one, but when I cop attitude I switch off, fuck him.

GoLD DiGGeR
A snooty woman came into the shop and wanted a copy of a magazine called “Shop ‘til You Drop” (a wanky mag about stuff you can buy, a mag full of ads disguised as articles, a total waste of trees, the people who make this mag should be chainsawed at the knees). But when she got to the counter she didn’t pay for it, her male friend paid. Makes me wonder who pays for her shopping until she’s dropping. She had a look on her face like she had a peeled lemon shoved up her arse, the sort of face you see on snooty fucks who think you are lower than them because they’re the customer and you’re serving them. Fuckin Beyatch!!!!!

HoMoPHoBia
One of the many reasons for homophobia towards gay guys is how people pick up. If a straight guy was as direct as most gay guys are when picking up, the straight guy would get his nuts kicked in by the woman.

HoNKYToNKS
Its closing down, hoo-fuckin-ray, about fuckin time.
I've been there once and it was the sorta club full of people who wear tshirts/belts/hats/gloves of bands they’ve never heard of, wanky overpriced trucker hats, overpriced “vintage” clothes (2ndhand) and $150 tshirts. Most people I know who’ve been there more than once say it’s a bitch to get into, and when you get inside you are sorely disappointed. Its just a club, big fucking deal, they come and go like a dose of herpes. Get over it and find a new one to hang out at and bitch to the baby clubbers about how honkytonks was a heaven on earth and no club could ever match it.

CooKiNG FoR MeN
There’s a cookbook at my work for men. the measuring devices are:
- shotglasses
- plastic disposable cups
- softdrink bottle caps
- tape measure
that’s fukn genius!!! I may even purchase it

K-PaX TRiLoGY
I just finished the k-pax trilogy books by gene brewer. I really liked it.
It’s a story about a man called prot, claiming to be from another planet, who’s been put in a mental ward. Instead of chapters, it set into psychiatric sessions. Our planet is called B-Tik, which is 2nd off the bottom of the planetary scale, (A- is a planet that’s destroyed by it inhabitants)
The 1st book was made into a film, and in the later books it mentions how the psychiatrist who’s treating prot made money from the film made from his paper on the sessions with prot.

THe WiSDoM oF PRoT
- don’t blame the politicians for your problems, they are merely a reflection of yourselves
- many humans feel sorry for dolphins who are trapped in tuna nets. Who weeps for the tuna?
- Your recorded “history” and your “literature” and “art” are merely those of your own species; they ignore all the other beings who share your planet. For a long time we thought that homosapiens was the only species living on earth
- Religions are difficult for a k-paxian to understand. Either all of them are right or all of them are right or none of them is.
- Human society will always have a drug problem unless life without drugs becomes a more attractive prospect for those concerned.
- Hunting is no sport, its cold-blooded murder. If you can outwrestle a bear or chase down a rabbit, then you can consider yourself a true sportsman.
- Killing someone because they killed someone else is an oxymoron
- The root of all evil isn’t the lust for money, but money itself. Try to think of a problem that doesn’t involve money in some way.
- Schools are not for teaching anything. They exist solely to pass on society’s beliefs and values to its children.
- The purpose of governments is to make your world safe for commerce
- Humans love to fool themselves with euphemisms in order to pretend they aren’t eating other animals – “beef’ for cow, “pork” for pigs, etc. this never fails to elicit gales of laughter from our beings.
- All wars are holy wars
- Some humans are concerned with the destruction of their environment and the concomitant extinction of other species. If these well-meaning people were more concerned with the individual beings involved, there would be no need to worry about the loss of species
- There will come a time when human beings of earth will be devastated by diseases that will make aids look like a runny nose

This above all else: to thine own world be true

ANoTHeR BuNCH of BLooDY PRoVeRBS:
“a bald doctor cannot cure baldness”
congolese

“even monkeys fall from trees”
japanese

“the hare that escaped had 8 legs”
sinhalese

“a bull does not enjoy fame in 2 herds”
rhodesian

“the mills of the gods grind slow, but they grind small”
greek

“who makes you pay in tears, you make him pay in blood”
ugandan
…and people wonder why there are so many people killed in wars in africa

“no one goes to bed without learning something new”
spanish
what about learning something new in bed, nudge, nudge, wink, wink

“you can endure a few kicks, if the cow gives you milk”
hindi
something to remember when having problems with a partner

MY BiRTHDaY
On the weekend before my birthday I had a double party with a friend (miss A) at her place. It was a Pimps, Prostitutes, Pornstars, Pirates & Priests Party. It was fun, we wnet halves in a good bottle of tequila with 3 worms in it. I drank lots but slowly and only tequila, so no spewing that night and no mega-headache the next day. Partied at the house first, alternating between frozen margaritas and shots of tequila. Just before we left me and Miss A had a worm each, we chewed it, showed it was chewed, then swallowed it. It’s the tougher way to do it cos it nasty to chew, but it’s a good delayed effect later on when you have the worm.
Then we went to a club, boogied there until it closed, then went to another club and partied there til it closed and got home around 7-8am. Drifted in and out of sleep until about 11.30am. I got drunk enough to have a fuzzy memory about where those who werent going to the 2nd club went to. I sort of remember saying goodbye but the cold night air probably gave the alcohol a boost to my brain.
I got a lift home from the very cute Miss L who looked very hot the previous night, thanks Miss L. Then another friend (mr S) visited and we went to Nandos, I ate half a chicken and chips, extra hot sauce of course. I felt so full as a bull afterwards because they took ages to get us our chips so we got extra. After a big walk home we watched a the infamous Retardotron Video Mixtape DVD. Fucking hilarious stuff. Later that night I ate a sandwich and felt full as a bull again. I didn’t actually go to bed til 1am cos I was watching the final LordOftheRings on tv. Wish we had a bigger tv, ours is tiny, but I suppose that helps us concentrate more on the storyline than the effects.
I feel unusually okay after a weekend of tequila, a worm, boogying, not much sleep and lots of hot post booze fast food.
On my actual birthday I met up with my best friend, we had a chilled day, chatting and shopping, she got some new pants and I got a book of how to talk dirty in different languages. She brings me down to earth and chills me out after a big weekend, she keeps me sane and I don’t know what id do without her, thanks MissJ.

MaRVeL 1602
(by Neil Gaiman, Andy Kubert & Richard Isanove)
I just finished it. Bloody good story set in 1602 (obviously) with alot of marvel heros born or made back then. The are called witchbreed not mutants and their names are similar but old style. Try and guess who these two are, Peter Parquagh & Carlos Javier.
Its back cover blurb says “classic marvel icons such as x-men, spiderman, the fantasic 4 and daredevil appear in this intriguing world of 17th century sceince and sorcery, instantly familiat to readers, yet subtly different in this new time.”
Its very well written and has a lot of dialogue, which add to the storys charm. I can finish a all action comic tradepaperback in a day or 2 but this took over a week, which makes it more enjoyable to read, cos it actually makes you think about it more rather than just looking at pictures. Props to neil gaiman for his writing.
I highly recommend it to anyone into comics.

IF You CloSe YouR eYeS….
I picked up a great r&b track on a compilation cd, its called “Just Like” by Aaron Carl. It’s an ok track but the lyrics are hilarious. In the chorus he sings “if you close your eyes, it feels just like pussy”. Then he proceeds to say hell do all that stuff your girlfriend wont and other pervy stuff. It’s a dirty, dirty song by a dirty man and I love it. I would so love to have someone play this at a straight club just to see how long it takes for people to realise what he’s singing and see their reaction.

FuN PaRTY
I went to a party on a Saturday night. It was in a shop and was organized by a woman who manages a burlesque group called "Baby Take A Bow". It was a great party, lots of people but not so many that you cant move around, we stayed for ages. The music was pretty cool a good mix of stuff, and there was a burlesque tap by the organizer some time after midnight. I like burlesque, its sort of like lingerie. Its sexy, with good music, without being totally naked. Which is a relief when you work in a porno shop.

DRaMaS
There was a drama during the night of the party but that's to be expected, haven't had a drama free night in years. I felt weird the morning after because I was still angry when I woke up. It felt good to be angry, it was like a surge of energy in my veins. It was a nice change. Usually I'm tried, hungover and my emotions are pretty down. The dramas sort of been sorted, so less said the better.

HoT, HoT, HoT
from the OddSpot in The Age newspaper:
An ice-cream has been created in Cary, North Carolina, that is so hot that customers must sign a waver before tasting it. Cold Sweat made with 3 kinds of peppers and 2 kinds of hot sauce was created to appeal to hispanic customers. One said "It tasted like fire with a side of fire."

TaTToo CoVeRuPS
I like to read the tattoo mags at work, there's some nice work in them and some stuff you wonder why the fuck someone would want to put on their body. My favorites are the cover-ups, they tell a story more than a normal picture of a tattoo. You can see why someone would get it done. Some are just a better picture of the old tattoo they're covering up, and some are totally different. Its cool to try and see the old one in the new one or how they did it.
The funniest one I saw was a guy who had a woman's name tattoo, instead of getting it covered completely he just got a tattoo that looked like a stamp done over the top of it. What did the tattoo/stamp say? BITCH. Must've been a bad breakup.

SMiLiNG PoRN CuSToMeRS
There's something that still disturbs me after all the years of working in a porn shop. The customer who smiles too much. Not a person who's laughing at the stuff in the shop, not the person who's just happy, it's the person who smiles like a nut. There's only a few but they creep me out.

DuMB CuSToMeRS
In winter in the shop we have a heater next to the till, it gets fucking cold. The tills right in front of the door so the wind goes straight down the stairs onto me. At least half a dozen times a day I have to tell customers not to put their plastic bags against the heater. Does lust for porn make people stupid? Does their genitalia take over from their brain as they walk down the stairs? It makes me realize how house fires start if someone is so stupid to not know that heat and plastic mixing means fire or at least a stinky smell. I suppose its nature way of getting the dumb people out of the gene pool.

SeCReT WaLL TaTTooS
What's a secret wall tattoo? It's a picture done somewhere that is not normally seen, like a behind the fridge or under a table. I've heard of people doing them in hotels, so eventually when they eventually change something about the room thereÂ’s a secret wall tattoo that's artist is untraceable because by the time they see it the person long gone.

DiD You KNoW?
Around 1944 Enid Blyton (the writer of Noddy) wrote a wartime book about the adventures of 3 golliwogs. Their name were Golly, Woggy and Nigger.
I wonder why I cant find it in any bookshop?

JuNKieS aRe GeTTiNG LaZY iN ST.KiLDa
I was walking down fitzroy st to a tram stop to go to work and a junkie chick asked me for spare 50c for a phone call, not unusual, but the chick was sitting in a car. When I didn't give her any money she swore at me as I walked off. I heard it, so I stared through the windscreen at her as I crossed the road in front of the car. I couldn't see her cos of the light reflecting off it, so I just stared where I knew where she was.
I suppose it shows how stupid or how desperate you become on drugs. What made me laugh was her reaction to me not giving her any. Why the fuck would I give her 50c while she's sitting on her arse in a car, she must think people are as stupid as her, fuckin idiot.

GReaT QuoTe FRoM a GReaT CoMiC:
"The all night convenience store is the cornerstone of the urban economy, where whole families of first generation immigrants pool their savings for a foothold in the american dream.
They work hard all day and all fucking night, while their kids who learned english from daffy duck cartoons, study a.p. nuclear physics on cases of slim jims in the stock room.
Some of them have survived political and religious persecution for the privilege of selling you a stale danish.
While the average white american junkie was pawning daddyÂ’s lexus rims, these guys were bartering with the local paramilitary for their eight-year-olds virginity.
It is by far the dumbest place on earth to try and rob"
1st page of issue 7 of the exterminators by tony moore, simon oliver & ande parks

aNoTHeR FeW PRoVeRBS:
A knife does not know its master
congolese
The dead are many, the living few
buddhist
The one in a hurry is always late
georgian
Why be miserable for the sake of pleasure?
india
The deceitful carry a double load
hindi
When a man falls, the whole world walks over him
swedish

SoMe QueSTioNS:
- Is the fear of heights actually a fear of falling, a safety thing from the past from our tree dwelling ancestors? Maybe it explains why so many people have falling dreams.
- Has a child of a star ever played their own parent in an autobiographical film of their parents life?
- Humans are supposed to be the most intelligent species on the planet, if other species are so dumb why cant we understand their simple languages

JoKe
A backpacker got home from a visit to australia. When he was asked how the people were, he told his friends this "Aussies will share their house, their food, their booze, theyll share everything with you. Its those white bastards you gotta watch out for.

FuCKiNG aNGRY
I’m pissed off at myself and at a friend. I told her something I didn’t want to really tell her but I got pissed off and it came out.
She wanted to go to a certain laneway club in the city that has lot of medical equipment in it. I promised a friend I would never step into the place after an incident involving a barman there and his habit of spiking women’s drinks. Even if that evil fucker isn’t working there I made a promise I would never step foot into that place and I wont. My friend wanted to go there for drinks on her birthday and I said I wouldn’t go there. She made jokey comments, I snapped and blurted out the full truth about what happened. She shut up real quick.
Now I’m angry because I let out some shit I didn’t want to let someone else know, but I got pissed off and it came out. I feel weird, I’m angry, sad, muddled in the head. I’m angry at myself and at her. I don’t want to be felling this way, but I hate it when people can’t tell when I’m serious and when I’m mucking around. I hate the fact that every time I hear the name of that place I get angry and have to explain why I wont go there.
The friend who had her drink spiked wont tell me the guys name because she knows what I’d do to him if I ever found him. I was bashed in the face during a robbery at an old job and I feel less anger at the junkies who punched me in the face than this evil drink spiking barman.
I hate feeling like this, hate is a wasted emotion unless you can expel the energy in some way, its gunna be hard to get to sleep tonight.

FiLM FuN
I had a shit day at work, so I came home cooked dinner and watched one of my favourite films “Human Traffic”. I love that film. That film is so cool, I love the way the characters interact with each other, its so real and so funny, the music is great too. I don’t do illegal drugs but I like the legal drug, alcohol. I get all the drug references from having lived with people who have partaken of substances. I've been to enough raves and had a great time while pissed out of my head and hyper from to much sugar and warheads. The sugar just gives me energy to start dancing, once I’m on the dancefloor I’m there for ages. It’s a great film to watch before you go out, cos it makes you wanna go out.
Here’s a little rhyme a guy does in the film for his girlfriend that I love cos its so pervy:
“Girl, I’m gunna tie you up, wear the mask, with your strap on cock, fuck me up the ass, your sexual powers leave me drained for hours, but I gotta draw the line at golden showers!”

WeaRiNG WoMeNS CloTHiNG
I’m not talking about trannies, I’m talking about guys who like to occasionally wear a dress. I think that if a guys gunna wear women's clothing you gotta be fashionable, non of that buy a grannie dress from the opshop and wear that. I've seen some dudes wearing dresses that I think they think they look good in but look shocking. A guy wearing a dress does not automatically look cool just because he’s in a dress. You gotta have style. I reckon that 99% of guys look shit in anything shorter than a kilt. Kilts are good for mid length (but they’re unisex clothes). Guys look better when they wear a long dress/skirt, nothing floral, being from Melbourne I of course think that black is best, but that’s just me. If I could find the right skirt id wear it, but id prefer a kilt cos I found a sporran in an opshop.

FeTiSH SceNe BoRe-DoM
I used to go to fetish clubs a lot, occasionally with friends sometimes alone, but I haven’t been for ages. why? Cos sometimes they get really boring and the people shit me up the wall. A woman I knew from one of these clubs once what I did for easter/nye/xmas. When I said id spent it with my family she gave me a look and a comment like “oh how boring” maybe for you, you boring fetish head. You’re the one who leaves the clubs at 2-3am like a lot of elder fetishists, while I’m just getting into the swing of it. I've been around for years and all you seem to do is chat and on the rare occasion you may actually tie someone up and do what you do. You wear clothes that cost way too much, but you never seem to do anything while wearing them. You also seem to not be able to understand concept outside the dom sub world. Why cant a gimp beat his master? Why cant I be what I want when I want. No I have to be one or the other. Fuck you and your binary world. I know, most of the action goes on in private, but seriously to call me boring because I have a life outside your little latex and leather world, is pretty fucking rude and you can go and get fucked.

FaSHioN MiSTaKeS
Sometimes I think back to what I wore in the past and I’m shocked that I thought it was cool to wear even back when I wore it.
I remember wearing some shocking stuff in the elate 80s & early 90s. I can also remember drunkenly dancing around the dancefloor at “alternative” clubs with a whistle tooting it to whatever dancey track they were playing, stuff like “Total Confusion” by a homeboy, hippi and a funki-dred or anything by the KLF.
It would be hilarious if paranoid fantasy’s were true and a persons whole life was being recorded somewhere. You wouldn’t need to torture people physically, just show them old film of what they were wearing and they’d be so embarrassed they’d confess to anything just to get you to stop showing them that stuff.
The teens now in 20 years will probably be embarrassed by the arse half hanging out jeans look (even with tight pants). It’s a fun game when bored, drunk or both to see what people are wearing and try to imagine the embarrassment level if you showed them what they are wearing now in 10-20 years.

ViRGiN
Sometimes I think back to dumb stuff done when young. One of the stupid things guys do is make up any sort of bullshit stories to try and prove they’re not a virgin. No one wants to admit it. I went to an all boys skool and virginity denial is a big thing. I heard so many stories from so many guys, but the 2 guys I knew who lost it were pretty quiet about it. Its funny, people go from denial to quiet. The guys who had really lost it go quiet. Its like the those who do don’t have to say, but those who don’t say louder than needed. I remember once claiming I did it with a local girl I had the hots for who worked at the local milkbar, I thought my plan was great cos shed just moved away but one guy knew her before she moved so they knew she was real but had no way of proving me wrong. Fuck, I was an idiot back then.

GaY JeSuS
I’ve noticed something recently in the media, everything is either Jesus-like or Gay. People are saying that superman is gay others say he’s jesus like. Is this a sign, the similarity between gayness and jesus, why don’t they just come out and say it. Jesus was gay.

GaY CoMiCS
Occasionally I've seen articles about gay characters in mainstream comics. It looks like they do a bit of research online & check a few articles and that’s about it. I’m straight and I know some that they forgot
Here’s some:
Batgirl was recently revealed to be gay, of course it was picked up by various media outlets
There was a character ages ago called Tasmanian Devil, a big hairy dude with a T on his chest. I think he lived with his boyfriend in Sydney (of course). I saw him many years ago, it was funny because the at the time the antisodomy laws were still in place in Tasmania.
Joe Pineapples was a robot in 2000ad’s ABC Warriors (atomic,biological,chemical) who went through a trannie stage dressing in women’s clothes for a while, looking fabulous of course.
Hanna from 2000ad’s Cabbalistics. Inc. was a lesbian working for department Q. fighting occult stuff. (she looked a bit like velma from scooby doo)

SaMe SeX MaRRiaGe
I don’t think I’ll ever get married and I’m definitely not having kids but I think same sex marriage is okay and it should be made legal. Politicians are too scared to support it because they’re scared of losing all the various religious fuckwits votes. Little Johnny has his tongue firmly planted up GWB’s arse and is like the little kid who hangs around the bully, if you met him alone he’d shit his pants. Maybe I should get a civil celebrant license, then I can marry whoever the fuck wants to, wherever they want. I’ve been ordained online so why not marry people who aren’t yet legal cos I’m not legal (yet).
I support gay marriage, partnership rights, same sex partners with kids and all that stuff, just because im not doing it doesn’t men I think no one else should and if you don’t like that you can go fuck yourself.

PeaCHes
I’m hanging out for the new Peaches album. I've heard some of it and she still has a filthy mouth and a dirty mind. I met her once a couple of years ago, sort of, while backstage with Team Plastique at a gig. I was starstruck, I didn’t know what to say. So I sat in the corner trying to be cool but probably looking creepy. I’ll do a review when I get a copy

NuTTeRS TeRRoRiST HuNTeRS
A pissed guy went the pornshop at work. He thought it was a late night internet café. He was looking for terrorists. He thought that internet cafes were training grounds for terrorists
The nutter probably saw they were full of overseas students playing games, and put 2 and 2 together and got 7. Drunk nutters, they’re scarey (spew, violence, etc) but also funny.

Arnotts have put out s new biscuit… its called the CLITORIS CREAM… one lick and you’ll wanna eat the whole box J

MoRe PRoVeRBS FRoM aRouND THe WoRLD
“The person who plants corn should like to eat corn”
Mexican
duh! That is possibly the dumbest proverb so far
“The thief is the king over the wealth of others”
Hindi
Sounds more realistic if was said “the king is the thief of the wealth of others”
“To be better, one must first be worse”
Icelandic
“The tormentor forgets that there is tomorrow”
Yoruban
“The poor man meets many devils”
Chinese
“The tongue can raise you, and it can behead you”
Hindi
“He who learns to steal must also learn to run”
Tanganyikan
“There are no fans in hell”
Egyptian
“The one who washes off dirt, washes off luck”
Mongolian
dirty buggers
“There is no darkness like ignorance”
Egyptian
“All wise men think the same; every fool has his own opinion”
Punjabi
“The feet go to that place where the heart goes”
Pashto/Afghanistani
“Whatever is good to know is difficult to learn”
Greek
“The world is an ocean – learn to swim”
Yoruban
“Water drinkers do not write songs”
Greek

HiGHLY ReCoMMeNDeD
ZiNe:
BP issue 29 (Betty Paginated), full of porn, wrestling and a trip to the USA, its fuckin great. More info when I finish the whole thing.
Get it where all good zines are sold or go to www.bettypaginated.blogspot.com
BooK:
“A Mind of Its Own, a cultural history of the penis” by David M Friedman
its got everything, the biblical penis, the fruedian penis, the feminist penis, the vigra penis. It’s a big book and I loved it.

LEGION says “it matters not who you fuck, just that you fuck”

i was at the VicMarket today and saw a butcher selling Lamb Flaps!
What The Fuck!!!!!
i like to lick the juices off my lamb flaps before it eat them, mmmm yummy!

I read a review of When Evil Reigns (a film i had a tiny part in) and the guy mentions me, heres the bit about me: "My favourite scenes? Well, there's a nice dialogue between two characters over a mobile phone, which - as you might expect - doesn't have a happy resolution. I also simultaneously laughed and shuddered at the preceding scene, which involves a charcter breaking into a house to find weapons, and being confronted by a respectable-looking man covered in blood. The bloodstained guy, seemingly dazed by everything that's going on, says: "They're all dead! Upstairs - they're all dead upstairs.' The protagonist tries to calm the guy by saying that he only wants to take a torch and a weapon. "Then I'll get out of your house."
"Oh, this isn't my house," says bloodstained guy amiably, as he pulls out a bloodstained knife..."

holy shit! ive been called "respectable looking", thats a first. Good news! The films gunna be playing at MUFF (melbourne underground film festival).

this is a pic of me after the filming of my scene, i hurt my head



a lovely recent pic of me

MRI ReSuLTS
I went to the hospital, got my results, I have a possible virus in my brain which has caused PHS (persistant headache syndrome), its can last up to 2 years, evntually dissapearing. They don’t know what it is and what causes it. No cure except asprins, panadols, etc and learning to live with it.

GoiNG ouT & iM NoT GaY
I like to go out to clubs, but usually early in the morning after a few vodkas/tequilas I get pissed off. Up to that point I was having fun having a boogie to the occasional track I like, but those unfortunate times when I a sitting down between boogie time my nasty brain kicks in. I wonder what the fuck I’m doing there, the only people that seem to talk to me are other guys and girls with partners. Do I have some sort of weird vibe that scares away single women, or just attracts the ones who want a “friend”. A few years ago I was chatting with a woman I've known for years at a club, I mentioned something about an exgirlfriend, and she looked shocked. For years she thought I was gay. I have a sneaking suspicion that one of my brothers thought so too, but I don’t have the guts to ask him. It was the same sort of reaction when mentioning a girlfriend. I think he also said “I thought….” and stopped himself before he embarrassed himself further. I’m not gay, I have gay friends and have told them and they say they cant see it, I cant see it, where the fuck do people get their conclusions from. Is it because I’m single in my 30’s? is it because I’m a shy person? Is it because I’m not a big butch footy loving knobhead? Is it because I have a lot of female friends who I am comfortable with? Is it because I am comfortable with my heterosexuality? Is it because I have no problems with anyone’s sexuality? What the fuck is it?
It pisses me off at 5am when I’m sitting there wondering what the fuck I’m doing with my life. But then a track comes on I like and I drag myself out of the seat and go have a boogie and forget whatever the fuck I was stressing about. that’s why I still go clubbing, for those few minutes I’m on the dancefloor nothing else matters but friends and fun.

KiLLeR HeaDaCHeS aND PeRMaNeNT BRaiN PaiN
The morning after going out recently I woke with a really fuckin bad headache. This wasn’t a hangover, it was hell. I drank some vodka before going out, had a couple at the pub, then had a couple at the club, I stopped drinking at about 3-4am, went home 6.30am so not much over the night that lasted 8hrs. When I woke up for a piss around midday my head ached, I went back to bed and tried to sleep it off. My head hurt so bad that I dreamed my head was on fire.
This fucking headache thing I've got is scary, I am seriously thinking of giving up alcohol, the pain in the morning is not worth the pain the next day. When you live with a permanent headache, hangovers suck because you never have the eventual relief of no headache.

OP SHoP eXPLoReR
Recently I found a leather sporran in a opshop, got it for $10. fucking cool but now I gotta get a kilt. Just have to keep on searching the opshops. The same place I got the sporran the woman pointed out some other stuff under the counter. A small whip and a pair of wrist restraints $15 for the 3, of course I got them. I am the opshop explorer. I've found so much stuff in opshops, my friends are jealous cos I find cool stuff so much.


PRoVeRBS FroM aRouND The WoRLD
When your son’s beard has fully grown, its time to shave your own
Arabic
Silence keeps the flies out
Arabic
Little beard, little shame
Spanish
God may love the poor man, but not the dirty one
Spanish
If a man falls, he blames his ancestors
Korean
Kick a stone in anger and you will hurt your own foot
Korean
Save while your sack is full
Croatian
Sleep is a thief that steals half one’s life
German
Solitude is the nest of thought
Kurdish
Puppies and pigs have a very different smell
Roman

The WiSDoM oF GeoRGe CaRLiN
- If you live long enough, everyone you know has cancer.
- I don’t understand people who protest things in the street by walking around holding signs. I say, if you’re gonna be on the street, use the time productively. Destroy some property
- I always take care to distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo, but he’ll be wearing a bugs bunny suit at the time.


MuSiC
The music I was listening to while writing this was FaNTaSia 2000 & VaST and the radio station 3RRR.

“if god tries to kiss your ass, swallow his tongue”from the SeRMoNS of SPuRTiCuS

“one must, it is true, forgive ones enemies – but not before they have been hanged”Sigmund Freud quotating Heinrich Heine in Civilization And Its Discontents

on tv I heard a cool comment about death, it was something like this:
cancer or any other early death is like a train journey to the afterlife, dying of old age is walking there

saw a tv show about music and sex, it said that teen girls like androgeny because they are scared of the masculine because its too much like their dad, so they go for whats similar to those closest to them, their female friends.

A bit of truth from Chris Rock
“if a man is nice to you he is offering you his penis”

another word to learn
caligynephobia – fear of beautiful women

I hated weddings, the old ladies used to poke me saying “you’re next”. They stopped doing it when I began to do it to them at funerals

This describes me perfectly“I’m so cute, I shit kittens”

WHY WoRKiNG iN a PoRNo SHoP iS SoMeTiMeS oKaY
I got a text from a porno shop buddy, here it is: “Dude, 2 lesbians came in and showed me their labial piercing's, video footage of themselves eating each other out on their phones, stripped naked in the shop to try on clothes and spent $1200 on toys lingerie. All the while rubbing themselves and each other. Yowza”
When I worked in the same porno shop as him nothing like this ever happened to me, I got drunks, junkies and customers who thought I was gay. This sort of stuff always happened to the guys who have girlfriends or are gay.

aNoTHeR TeXT FRoM aNoTHeR FRieND“Just saw a girl climbing through a window over a shop at main intersection and as she did her pants came down and she just had a g-string. There was almost a car accident and all the pedestrians were just standing and staring”
A good reason to have a camera on you at all times.

MiSS BeHaViN & BuRLeSQue iDoL
I went to the performance at the comedy festival by a female sword swallower called “Hard To Swallow”. Was pretty cool, she even swallowed the leg of a chair. It’s a story about how she started doing it and how she ended up where she is now. Was funny, entertaining, and a little bit risqué. She is one of my new female heroes.
I tried to learn sword swallowing, after finding an old copy of “memoirs of a sword swallower”, but sort of lost interest when my brother showed me some other tricks, like sticking nails in my face and getting out of a straight jacket. But my gag reflex is still a bit numb. Maybe I’ll try again after her inspiration.
I went to the last “Burlesque Idol” comedy festival show, it was pretty cool with lots of shaking going on. Fucking funny too, it ended with a whipped cream and watermelon fight in a wading pool.

aNoTHeR FuCKiN M.R.I.
I just had another MRI, its to make sure the thing in my brain’s not getting bigger, have to go back on the 30th of this month, 3 weeks after the MRI to get the results, bloody public hospital system, but what would I expect for free health care. The doctor said last time it could be a virus I picked up while rundown with a hangover.
I don’t mind going to the hospital, the waiting shits me but the café downstairs has a cool juice bar, and I get a strawberry smoothie each time I go, even if its fuckin cold, its so simple but so yummy.

CoMiCS
I've been reading a few cool comics recently, as usual my weekly dose of 2000ad and I've also been getting into Exterminators, DMZ and American Virgin.
Exterminators is a story about mutation in cockroaches and the guys trying to deal with it, its also got stuff like junkies shooting up bug poison, a cheating wife and a mysterious box.
DMZ is about a young journalist who’s a war correspondent in the no mans land of new York’s Manhattan island during a new American civil war. Its pretty cool, bit of action bit of drama with a touch of humour.
American Virgin’s about a young guy who preaches abstinence until marriage who’s girlfriend is beheaded while doing charity work in Africa. He’s on a downward slope as he goes there to find out who did it. Not sure where its going but its an okay read.

WheN eViL ReiGNS
I went to see a film made by a friend that I acted in. It’s called “When Evil Reigns”. Its about rain making people evil psychopaths. Im a guy who attacks a character in the film but I get my head busted in with a golf club. The pic of me with my head all fucked up is pretty cool.

link to film site

FriDaY NiGHT & HaNGoVeRS
I went out on the weekend, got pissed with 2 young ladies, went to 3 clubs, the 1st was the Pony, saw a friends band and heard some fucked up industrial techno and noise stuff. Left there and went to Icon, mostly empty, slappers dancing on the bar, bad music, was funny because I was drunk but wouldve been shit if sober.
Then went to Dream for goth night Cabaret Nocturne, was okay but a bit empty, but we did get there around 3.30am, boogied for a while to okay music, had a couple of drinks and went home around 6am.
I slept off my hangover the next day, didn’t get out of bed except to go to the loo and drink some water. Actually got up around 4pm.

SuNDaY iN a PoRNo SHoP
Worked the next day in the porno shop (Sunday), was pretty boring and cold.
There was a guy who while talking to me adjusted himself downstairs. I felt like telling him off, I don’t people touching their dick when im talking to them, its very impolite. But he seemed like the sort of tool who probably doesn’t realize he does it.
Sometimes working in retail sucks, dealing with all manner of fuckwits.

MoRe STRaNGe BuT TRue FaCTS

• at 1.02am & 3 seconds on may the 4th this year it will be: 01.02.03 - 04/05/06• the 6th of June this year it will be: 06/06/06
• the actor Bill Paxton has been killed on screen by an Alien, a Predator & a Terminator
• new abbreviation by GReBO : P.P.T.P.P. – Potential Place To Put Penis
• GReBoS real but strange words: veisalgia – hangover, use it as an excuse when your sick.
• grebo's great new insult : suck a turd to a point and stab yourself with it
• grebo's scary thought : you may be grossed out by thoughts of your parents fucking but imagine how grossed out they are by thought of their kids (you) fucking
• new word usage by GReBO : ZoMBIE – a very horny person, someone who craves flesh



• In the 16th century a swiss german alchemist & physician Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim, better known as Paracelsus claimed to have witnessed the ultimate organic transformation: He wrote “Let the sperm of man be putrified in a gourd glass. Seal it up in horse-dung for 40 days, or so long until it begins to be alive, move and stir…. After this time it will be something like a man, yet transparent, and without a body. Now, after this, if it be everyday nourished with…. man’s blood, and for 40 weeks be kept in a constant, equal heat of horse-dung, it will become a true and living infant, having all the members of an infant born of woman.”

Had a couple of weird lady customers in the shop recently, they had their shopping with them, the contents visible through the bags. A lettuce, a packet of weight watchers ham, a can of heineken, a bottle of guiness and 20 packets of timtams! I don’t think the weight-watchers ham is gunna matter after 20 packets of a stoners favourite biscuits, tim tams.

I now know the name for something ive thought of doing for years but never actually done. Its House Humping. Its when you got to a flat/house that’s up for sale or rent and have a bit of a sly fiddle with your partner. Gunna have to put that one my “to do” list. If you wanted to be really naughty, get the key cut and sneak in at night for a fuck or 2.

I heard of a smart german guy recently who offers free tanning salon sessions as long as the person lets him record it and put it up on the net. Bloody smart idea. I think hes a genius and more people should do stuff like that.

One of my favourite films is a canadian one called “Last Night”. Its about the end of the world, they don’t say how it gunna happen just its gunna happen. Its mainly about how people deal with it and wanna spend the final moments. There is one guy in it I like the most. He decides to fuck his way through the end of the world. He tells of how he sat down and made a list of what he wanted to do or was curious about and set off to do as many as he could.
If my headache thing is bad and only gets worse, I may have to do what that guy did and fuck myself stupid before I cant. I should probably be doing it now, but without death looking over my shoulder I don’t think id be able to.

SiZe QueeNS

No matter who tells you otherwise, men are just as much size queens as women are. The worst part is for some reason, probably because of where I work, people seem to like to tell me about people they knows dick size. I fuckin hate it, I was just having a serious conversation with someone and they told me that about someone I knows dick size. Right in the middle of talking about something serious they slip that in. I flipped asking what the fuck that had to do with what I was talking about and even if it did I don’t fucking care, I’m straight, I’m not going to fuck him so why the fuck should I care.
I have cracked the shits a few times with my female friends when they start letting the too much information stuff slip out. I once had a screaming argument with a friend after I told her she could sleep on the couch after going on and on and on, even after I told her to shut the fuck up or she can get sleep on the couch. We weren’t even yelling about what she said, she cracked it and insisted driving home while still a bit drunk. I wasn’t gunna let her out of the house. Id rather she sleep in my bed with me on the couch than her losing her license or crashing. Eventually she left angry and drove home. We made up eventually. One argument isn’t gunna fuck up a long friendship, just scare it into reality.
I’m surrounded at work by enormous cocks, juicy pussies and gaping arseholes. I like to laugh at dick stuff probably more than most because of my stunted sense of humor but I really don’t need to know any info about people I've met or knows dicks.


aNGRY NiCe GuY - rant 1
I was reading a cool little comic called Hopeless Savages - Ground Zero, by Van Meter, O’malley, Clugston-Mayer, Norrie & Watson. I liked it a lot but one bit I really liked which was said by a nerdy guy character called Ginger and here it is :
“I don’t want to be the nice guy you hang out with while you repair the damage done to your self image by egotistical thugs who wildly underestimate your worth.
I don’t want your head on my shoulder while you tell me what a great friend I am, so sensitive, just like a brother.
I don’t want to act happy for you when you go off with some charismatic idiot who – at best – thinks you are an ordinary girl… and not the treasure I know you to be.”
These are the words that go through my head again and again, I have the curse of the nice guy, the guy you don’t fuck but always seems to be there for you when you fall. It sucks. Sometimes I want to scream.
“I’m not a nice guy, the shit that swirls round in my head would scare you.
I’m not a nice guy, I’m a fuckin pervert who want to pick you up at a club and fuck you hard against a brick wall in an alley nearby because I cant wait to get you home.
I’m not a nice guy, I’m a guy who wants to tie you up and spend hours on your naked body using whatever implements I have and what I can improvise.
I’m not a nice guy, I want you to force me to be your fuck slave, force feeding me viagra if you have to.
I’m not a nice guy, I want to hold you face down, lube you up and fuck your arse until you cum hard, as you never could with your pussy.
I’m not a nice guy, I want you to strap it on and fuck me hard for being a whiney bitch, yet again.
I’m not a nice guy, I want to tie you to a tree blindfolded with you pants around your ankles, then play with your exposed body without making a sound.
I’m not a nice guy, I want to take you to a bondage club, tie you up naked and let everyone watch me take you beyond what you thought you could take.
I’m not a nice guy, I’m just as perverted, maybe more as the next guy, but because I’m “like big teddy bear” you will never see the inner animal. You may see glimpses, but it scares you, you cant take it, you explain it away with excuses of drunkenness or weird moods. Its not weird to me, I’m just horny, I’m always horny. I have had years of practice, I know how to hide it. Do you have any idea how many scenarios are played out, how many fantasies are created in my mind a day. Why the fuck do you think I write this blog, do my zine and read my books on sexual stuff. It keeps me sane, unfortunately at the same time it feeds the beast. It’s a vicious circle. I cant get out of it, and wont even if I could because I like it, it keeps me sane. So fuck you and your Nice Guy shit, go fuck yourself, cos I sure as hell wont fuck you.

CaMeRooN WiTCH HuNT
Homosexuality is illegal in they African nation of Cameroon. Recently the government and tabloid newspapers there have been going nuts outing anyone and everyone. 2 men were sentenced to a year in prison after admitting they engaged in gay sex. The men are believed to pleaded guilty to avoid a medical examination to determine if they had anal intercourse, a requirement in sodomy cases as imposed by the courts.
The medical examination sounds a bit like the witch hunt crap that went on 100s of years ago. If you claim innocence they you must undergo the humiliation of a dubious “examination”. If you say your guilty you’ll get a quick and painless sentence. It’s a vicious circle you cant win either way.
Some 3rd world countries have really harsh anti-homosexual laws. Are they left over from the missionaries or is it to combat the sex tourist who have big money and like young boys/girls? A friend told me that a lot of anti-gay stuff in Jamaica is anger left over from the sex tourism trade.
Which ever way you look at it its fucked. I hate homophobia, no matter what excuse is used it wrong. Look at the cause of the hate and deal with that and people will be a lot more relaxed about it than some people think.

CoNTaCT aDS
When working in a porno shop or any retail job you get bored when there’s no customers sometimes, and there’s only so much dusting & reorganizing you can do without going nuts, so id read the free gay newspapers. Most are okay and a better read than shite like MX (melbs free tabloid), there’s a lot of yuppie shit in the gay papers like what the gayest car to buy, or how to buy a house that reflects your personality, wanky boring moneycentric shit. But there is great articles ignored by hetro media like rampant homophobia in some 3rd world countries, or what’s the latest fucked up quote from the local rabid anti gay religious leader.
The funniest section is the contact ads. The guys ones are full of a good mix of ordinary stuff and pervy funny stuff, stuff like “50 year old leather daddy into tennis and fisting looking for piss drinking footy player for bushwalking and beatings” or similar. The women’s ones are a bit more subdued, usually stuff like “40 year old vegan with cats looking for 40-60 year old vegetarian earth mother for long walks and swimming in lakes at sunset”. A friend got back San Francisco and gave us a gay newspaper from there. The ads were nuts, we spent ages going through them laughing ourselves silly at the stuff in it. Gay dudes into cheesy sweaty uncut dicks or bi girls into lesbian gangbangs. The scene her is either very vanilla or the kinky ones are satisfied with their sex lives and don’t feel the need to advertise.
I was thinking there could be a drinking game you could do with personal ads, so I’m gunna work it out and post it later on.

BuLLieS
People who were bullys at schools now have kids who wear the clothes and have the haircuts of the people that the bullys used to beat up.
Time is the best revenge.

Q - Whats soft and warm when you go to bed bud hard and stiff when you wake up?
A - Vomit!

PuBLiC aPoLoGY
I was a dick to one of my friends at a club recently and said something nasty, if she is reading this, I'm sorry, even though I was drunk I have no excuse, I'm was a dick. She has already accepted my apology but I thought id make my apology public cos she's a good friend and id hate to lose her friendship in any way

SORRY Ms A

PoRNo SHoP STuFF:
It’s hilarious when people come into my work wearing their sunglasses. I work in a basement porno shop and it’s not exactly a highly illuminated place to work. Usually the get about half way, need to look at something and take them off. But there is the tool that spends the whole time in their sunnies, even when paying for the stuff they’re buying.
These sunglassed idiots are usually the same as the people who pretend your not there, which is an extremely rude thing to do especially when the counter is directly in front of them when they enter. I greet 99% of the people who come into the shop and only 50% say anything back, another 10% grunt, the rest ignore me. If you ignore me you get bad service if you need it, but if you just came in for a perv I love to say something to them as they leave like “see you later” which usually twinges their guilt reflex more than when they entered.
There is a weird sort of customer I often see, the person who looks at every video/dvd, they refuse help if offered claiming not to be looking for a specific film. These people are the most annoying if you need a piss and have to wait for them to get through every fucking film. There’s the fuckin' annoying looker who doesn’t buys anything. Then there’s the freaky person who looks through every vid/dvd every week. We get new stuff every week, they don’t just look at the new stuff, and they look at everything each week. 95% of the stock they looked at the week before, if they were looking for film they saw last week that’d be understandable but they come in every week. Do they have no short-term memory? Do they think we hide secret tapes in the old stock?
Another thing I've noticed with working in another porn shop occasionally is the people who seem to go through every shop, like they’re gunna miss something if they don’t check every shop on their way to the train station. These are the people who need to get a life.
The ways people amuse themselves is fascinating sometimes. While sitting at work, at least once a day someone will make a noise or yell something down the stairs. What purpose does it serve, are they trying to impress someone, are they retarded?
“Oooh look! A porno shop doorway, id better make a funny noise or yell perverts 'cos I'm to scared to enter so I better make fun of people who are more comfortable with their sexuality than me”
FUCKWITS!!!!!
A most annoying customer who usually does this when your busting for a piss, is the person who has bought something but they keeps on looking for another 10 minutes. Get the fuck out when you got what you want, I need a piss, you’re the last customer, ah shit here comes another customer, I got to wait another ½ hour for a piss again.
We have a sign in the shop that says “No Running Down The Stairs” but at least once a week an excited little porn head comes hurrying down the stairs. I feel like saying “I know your excited about getting some porn ‘cos you’re desperate for a wank but please read the fucking sign ‘cos we aint paying any medical bills if you trip or run into someone coming down the stairs”
The ignorance of people in regards to sign in the shop is spectacular. There is sign everywhere in the shop that has specials on them but they still don’t see them ‘cos they’re in porno mode, they semen levels in their brain reach their eyeballs and their focus is only on the pink bits they so desperately crave.

A funny thing about working in a porno shop is the amount of pink bits I see everyday, so when I pick up a hustler magazine I end up reading it for the articles, jokes and cartoons. When the new hustlers come in I end up saving one for a look after I’ve wrapped the rest. Then relax and have a giggle at the cartoons and jokes or get angry over the latest GWB fuckup/coverup or antiporn crap. I prefer the USA edition ‘cos the aussie one is a month or 2 behind with the same articles.

I would also like to thank Hustler for tracking down a cool guy I saw on the news.
Ben Marble is the man who told Dick Cheney to go fuck himself when Dick was in New Orleans. Ben, you’re an ordinary bloke who was caught up in a bad situation but then in the perfect situation to say what most of the USA (and the rest of the world) felt needed to be said, you are a fucking legend!

TaTTooS & INeQuaLiTY
Why do women get tattoos of women?
Why don’t men don’t get tattoos of men?
Is there some sort of gender inequality in tattoos?
(band pics don’t count ‘cos they’re the fugliest tatts)

HaVe You eVeR HaD oNe oF THoSe NiGHTS when you just cant be FUCKED.
I went out Sunday night and spent most of the night sitting down or wandering around, I didn’t dance once, they played stuff I liked but I just couldn’t be fucked. The vodka I was drinking wasn’t having the effect it usually does, which is making me hyper and desperate for a boogie, it just made me more lethargic. I chatted with some people but couldn’t be fucked really. It sucked too cos it was the last night out with a friend who was leaving to go to europe to meet up with his girlfriend. I felt bad for not having lots of fun on his last night out and when I was saying bye I started to feel like I was gunna start crying. Fuck I must’ve been drunk. When I got in the taxi to go home I was holding back the emotion and when I finally got home I had a weird little 5 second burst of crying then fell asleep fully clothed on my bed. Eventually I got up to piss and got undressed and went back to bed and slept until 2pm.
The night before the guy going bye-bye dragged us all out to a gay club called “the market”. He’s straight but used to work in a gay bar so likes the music and being able to take off his shirt and flaunt it like a peacock. When we lost him during the night we spotted him on the podium with his shirt off, he was probably the only guy with his shirt off who had any sort of chest hair but its a snail trail compared to mine. Thankfully for the people at the club I kept my shirt on for fear of people running screaming tearing out their eyes, its bad for my reputation. the music was crap and I wasn't drunk enough not to give a fuck so I ended up just standing around trying to look cute. But proof of my inability to pick up was that even in a gay club no one was interested. What the fuck? Then one of the girls I went there with ended up making out with a gay guy. And how did she get the 1st snog, by bitching that guys cant snog, so the gay guy had to defend men by showing her that it wasn’t true. When she told me how it happened I looked at her and shook my head. I AM A GUY!!!! You’ve snogged me! Thanks so very fucking much!
Either I’m a shit snogger or she emasculated me by counting me as one of the girls (yet again). Id prefer the emasculation rather than being a crap snog but maybe I am crap. I’m never gunna know cos I cant snog myself. It gets one my nerves when the girls forget I’m a guy and start talking about shit I don’t wanna know like cock size or bitching about guys being crap at something.
I’m sometimes jealous of them, they seem so confident. For example some of my female friends seem to constantly snog and fool around with the most unlikely of people, workmates, random strangers and various others. I wish I had the balls, or in their case ovaries, to do what they do. They snog and fool around with girls and boys equally. I’m not into guys, I’m happily hetro but their ability with both sexes is awe inspiring to a perv like me. The lucky fuckers!

The medication I’m taking sux, its not working, my migraines are still regularly random. It sucks, they gave me some stuff that’s for heart problems. Its supposed to lower my blood pressure. When I've got okay blood pressure isn’t that dangerous? I've also heard that heart medication effects the libido and the physical side of that. Id rather have a headache than not be able to fuck. In don’t want the only chance I've got for a fuck in ages to be ruined by some medicine that’s not doing what they’re giving it to me for and taking away what I think is an essential part of me.

The commonwealth games I here and its gunna suck balls big time, I use public transport to get to work and its gunna be fuller than usual of annoying sporty people and tourists. I don’t mind the tourists it’s the aussies who make out that the games means anything that annoy me, the games to me mean fuck all, a reminder that we are part of a dead empire founded by a bunch of inbred upper class twats back in the UK, who at onme stage thought of us a lower than them because we were just a colony. Fuck the grand parasites, the queen and that half crazy racist prick prince phillip and fuck john brown tongue howard and all his toadying cronies, fuck steve bracks and his sleazy back room deals and not so secret private life (in the sex industry we have contacts everywhere).

One of my friends says I should write about my food habits in more detail in my blog, but that not gunna happen. I don’t care about what you know about my sex life and whatever else is happening in my life but my food habits would freak people out, and probably make them wonder how the fuck im still alive. I may reveal it some day but not quite yet.

some things from my zines that I wanna include here:

imperfection is beauty.
I hate perfection, its boring, we are surrounded by images of so called perfect people, and it bores me. I like people who are NQR (not quite right.) it gives a person character and makes them someone to remember. I am attracted to whoever I’m attracted to and no one will dictate to me who I can desire. A lot of the time the beautiful people are the worst fucks, because they expect you to do all the work cos it’s a privilege to fuck ‘em. The person who is not perfect is more real and will fuck your brains out. And maybe their imperfections will bring a whole new dimension, you never thought of, to your sex life. like the guy in the wheelchair who can go for hours cos he cant feel below the waist. The person with the big nose adding that bit extra to cunnilingus and the amazing hands of a blind person. The list is endless, so go out there do what you want and fuck yourself silly, remember people who try to control your sex life have problems with their own. And the only bad sex is sex that is non consensual.
Feel No Guilt In Your Desires.

STuPiD SeX
I’m sick and tired of women I meet telling me how they don’t use condoms because their boyfriend “doesn’t like them”. Okay if your in a long term monogamous relationship and you’ve both been tested then its okay, but if you just assume that your partners okay because they’re not a drug user or overly promiscuous, that really fucking stupid. Diseases can sit in your body for years and never show up, and you’ll never get symptoms but a lot of the time all you need is one shitty weekend and getting rundown and BOOM, it pops up and you’ve now got a disease that’s fucked you up for life. or how would you feel if you passed on a disease from an old partner to a new one. Imagine the pain, not just physical, but mental. And with them passing it to other partners, just because you or your partner “didn’t like condoms” get real. I hear all sorts of shit like, “I cant keep it up with a condom”, well practice makes perfect, and who says sex is all about penetration, try other stuff. Don’t stop sex to put it on, make the putting on part of it. What’s sexier than a black condom slick with wetness glistening in the moonlight, or watching a glow in the dark condom getting closer in a pitch black room.
A even more fucked up idea, is a women who’s not on the pill not using condom, and relying on him pulling out or just luck. I have known people this stupid. What the fuck is wrong with you. Are you really that stupid or think you’ll just deal with the consequences when something happens. Have you ever sat with a friend in an abortion clinic and then after helped her home afterwards and helped them deal with the physical as well as psychological effects afterwards, have you ever had a friend cry on you shoulders all night when they find out they’ve got a sexual disease that’s going to make their sex life extremely complicated and sometimes painful for the rest of their life.
Think about it. Safe sex isn’t annoying, its life saving. Some people will argue that no sex is the answer, but for 99.9% of the population that’s not going to work.
Safe sex is sexy and fun, it makes sex fun because your not worried about what’s going to happen later and that makes it sexy too.

STRaNGe FaCT: the black goo from bird-plane collisions is called “snarge”

SeX FaCT: gluteal sex is rubbing the penis between the butt cheeks (not the hole) for stimulation

word to describe a popular look in the gothic scene:
BaTHYCoLPiaN: deep bosomed

The b.c.p.s (billy connolly & pamela stephenson) rule: All golfers will be fucked and burned

StaticX & ill Nino
I went to a gig @ the palace in StKilda on Thursday night, StaticX & ill nino. I think I got there during the 1st song by StaticX, I walked around trying to work out where to go but then decided to go up the front. I got as close as possible, I sweated like a pig and loved it. Its been a while since ive been to a gig that big that close. I was half deaf and sweaty but happy as fuck at the end of the gig. Ive got one ill nino cd that I got 2nd hand, didn’t think much of it, nothing special. But they kicked ass live, not as good as StaticX but pretty impressive. After StaticX I noticed a lot of women trying to get up the front, and when I bumped into an old female friend in the crowd she reckoned the singer was a hottie and latin, so the girls wouldve loved him.
The night was good, the music was great, I went home happy.

GReBo FaCTS:

"Grebo" means "leaping monkey people," a reference to their flight from a former homeland near the Sahara. Their major economic activity is producing palm oil and palm kernels for export. The culture of the Grebo, a little-known ethnic group inhabiting the coastal region of eastern Liberia and the bordering forestlands, was shaped in a considerable degree by their neighbors to the north, the Kran and Dan. Unlike the other people living in Liberia, the Grebo are not structured by the Poro society. They are ruled by a chief known as bodio who lives in near total isolation and also assumed the function of grand priest.

The Grebo sculpt several types of masks. One type is characterized by a massive face surmounted by two buffalo horns. The second type of masks represents the female ideal with slit eyes and sweetness of expression. The third type are male war masks, more abstract and flat, formed by a board with elongated nose and one or more pairs of tubular eyes. The masks appeared during rituals reserved for initiates and at the time of festive occasions, when the whole population was able to see them. The war masks designed primarily to terrify appeared during battles, in the dances beforehand, and at the funerals of warriors.

Figures are rare. Their style is closely related to Dan, We and other neighboring tribes.

Going out
What I hate about trying to decide to go out is the conflicting bits of your brain arguing with you. You’re too tired to go out and where your friends are at you know will be crappy and/or empty and you’re tired cos you’ve had a shitty day at work. So you decide to stay home and veg, but then the other side does its side of the argument. If you go out your with friends so it’ll be fun, you might have the best night & you might even get lucky. So you are stuck in a fix, do I go out or not. Eventually you realise the time you spent trying to decide and realize it’s too late and you haven’t even showered yet, so you don’t go out. But there’s a niggling little thought until you go to bed that if you went out you would’ve had a fantastic night. When you text you friends that your not going out they call you a wimp. 
But if you’re lucky when you get up in the morning there’s a text from 2am and it says “lucky you didn’t go out, it’s empty and crap tonight” 

My friends are leg humpers
Sometimes when I go out with my female friends and we are very drunk there’s a bit of drunken flirting, dancing, and if you’re lucky, snogging. It’s great at the time & sorta fun. But the a few days later you realize that yet again you went home alone. It’s like a delayed reaction. Its fun at the time but you know that your aint gunna get into the pants of your friends, and the flirting, dancing and snogging has scared off any potential interest. What the fuck do you do? Its one of those eternal triangles. If you snog them you may not get a snog from anyone else, but if you don’t you may not get a snog anyway and a snog from a friend is better than no snogs.

A stupid question from a time waster
A guy came in and checked every dvd for an hour, but left without buying anything. We get a few of these wankers but what made him a big wanker was the question he asked.
He came up to counter and asked if the girls in the lesbian videos where real women, not sex change ex-guys. What the fuck?

Opshop videos
I don’t understand why all these people who come into the shop i work at and tell me they got rid of their video and got a dvd player, what do they do if they want to record a show. But due to this the video rental places are full of dvds. And due to that so many opshops are selling the ex-rental stuff for dirt cheap. I got Omen 1-4 movies for $3 each, and a strange video from the uk called Bo Selecta, lots of weird local english humor and references to UK pop culture, so it'd go over most aussies heads, but it’s still weirdly funny.

VaLeNTiNeS DaY
Valentines day is to stalkers what Halloween is to pedophiles

After a guy on the net suggested that because valentines day is mainly for chicks that there should be a day for guys, he declared march 14th as steak and blowjob day, I think it’s a bit lame that if only have one day a year for something you must have a pretty boring sex life, so I made a list of other potential days for lame people who need an excuse to do something.
blood play & booze day
cunnilingus & cake day
soy & sodomy day
watermelon & water sports day
bagels & bondage day
eggs & enemas day
fish & fisting day
turkey & tickling day
fish fingers & foot fetish day
croissant & cross-dressing day
sausages and scat day
fast food & felching day

BRoKeBaCK MouNTaiN
Why I'm not going to see Brokeback Mountain. I’m not homophobic. It’s a love story, what would be classified a chick flick. I would never go to the cinema to see a love story with a girl and guy, so why should I if it’s about 2 guys. I might watch it if it’s on TV, but mainly just to see what all the hype was about.

2nd HaND oR ViNTaGe?
Was looking at wanky write up for an apartment in city and a part of one line caught my eye. It was “shopping for vintage clothes at boutique stores”. What the fuck? If you can afford to live in an inner city high rise you don’t buy 2nd hand clothes, they’re vintage. Well I buy a lot of my clothes at special boutiques and they’re antique but mine cost way less. I go to opshops and buy 2nd hand clothes. What’s the difference, mine aren’t over $100. I find designer or expensive if new stuff, I've bought black Calvin Klein jeans, lots of doc martin shoes, Ben Sherman shirts and even a pair of Prada shoes for $3, what a score!
If you’re stupid enough to buy 2nd hand clothes for way too much money you are a fool and you and the shit clothes deserve each other, if you got that sort of money you’ll probably just throw them out anyway when they aren’t in fashion anymore. What is vintage anyway, is there a secret stash somewhere that clothes designers hide clothes away until they’re back in fashion again, then they can say, never been worn, vintage? What a big load of WANK

TouGH GuYS
One of the funny things about my job is people watching. I love seeing the tough guys who come in and are so obviously uncomfortable. It’s hilarious. If they’re in group it’s usually the quietest one who looks like he wants to leave, but there’s always the loud one, and he embarrasses the silent one cos he’s too loud. If they come in alone its all bravado and swagger, but by the time they leave they’re a changed man. He’ll look at the gay stuff if no on else is in the shop, he wont take off his sunnies, and just has an overall look of confusion, disgust and fake toughness. I fell sorry for these guys, but not much. Its similar to the guy who comes in with his girlfriend, usually he has to convince her to come in, but once inside he feels uncomfortable cos all the dicks are bigger than his. She’s loving it by the time they leave and he just wants to get out.

HoMoPHoBia
I was impressed by an article in the Feb.2006 edition of AlternativePress by the bassist Tripp from the band The Unseen. It was about the homophobia in punk and the common use of fag and gay used as a term of abuse, usually toward Emo lately. Fucking good article, read it if you get the chance.

LaTiN
“Homo sum homini nihil a me alienum puto”
translation: “I am a man, I consider nothing foreign to me”
meaning: all things are worthy of study

MUSEUM
Went to the new melb. museum with a friend who will be know as MissJ on Wednesday. It was okay, I didn’t get to see all of it, but it was fun. Had the most fun in the interactive stuff. I’ll never grow up, but from the way other patrons acted I think they all regressed to childhood, especially the digestive system part, everyone loves looking at the fake poo and pressing the button next to it that makes a fart noise. A young woman behind us giggled after pressing it. I like a girl who giggles at fart noises in public.
The bug section was pretty cool, I love the dome inside the ant section. If you put your head in it you almost feel like your buried up to your neck in sand. There’s also a thing you can push down and it puffs out a smell. It’s the smell of bug poo. It was weird cos it smells like the country. So when you leave the city you are actually enjoying the smell of grass and bug poo.
The indoor forest was cool, it was strange cos when I was outside in the city heat I hated it but when I was in the forest heat it felt natural. It was a fun day
There was some areas with naked people in them too, they had the old statues from ages ago there, pretty cool, an area explaining the reproductive system with a few life-size pics of naked people on the wall and they had a big wall display of a bunch of naked people of lots of shapes and sizes. I wondered what it would be like to be one of the models for the pics. It’d be cool to go on a date to the museum with someone you hadn’t been intimate with yet and let them see you naked before they see it for real. It’d be even funnier if it was 5-20 years later.
CUSTOMERS
Working in a porno shop, or any sort of retail you notice different kinds of customer. The one that give me the shits often is the person who goes through every fucking video/magazine/dvd in the shop. They always come into the shop when you have something to do but then have to keep one eye on them for the hour they’re in the shop. Some go through everything and leave empty handed, if you ask them if they need help they freak out cos they are getting talked to in a porno shop, “oh my god does it mean he wants to fuck me” or “hell find out my secret fetish.” Here's the news fucker, I don’t care what your into. I work in a fuckin porno shop, unless your into skull fucking gibbons, rape or touching kids, I don’t really give a fuck. And I wouldn’t fuck you, I’m straight. If your fetish is that obscure that you gotta go through everything in the shop, maybe I can cut down your looking time with some advice from someone who’d know if we had it in the shop, and if your just killing time you can get the fuck out you annoying turd.
But I think a big problem is when you work in a porn shop you get dulled by if you actually by some freaky urge you actually want to watch some porn you can pick what you want in 30sec and when someone else takes their time you lose patience because your brain thinks “if I can do it in 30sec why is it taking him so fucking long?”
GAYDAR
A weird side effect of working in a porno shop is gaydar. Contrary to popular belief hetro guys can get it to if they work in certain environments. When I was living in ireland I knew a housemate was a lesbian pretty much from the 1st day I saw her, same with the spanish guy who eventually moved in with friends of mine. Months later people asked about both “Did you know?” “Yes, but if they haven’t told you, I’m not gunna tell you, that’s their choice”. 90% of the time I can tell someone’s preference when they come in the shop, occasionally I’m surprised, but most of time I’m right. Its funny cos most of my straight friends have no idea, even some of the gay ones. the one that people have no idea about is the tranni lovers. So many guys buy tranni porn, it’d shock people with how many and who buys it. If you’re a girl and you find out your man likes tranni stuff, buy a strap on, and make the bitch suck it then turn him over and give him what he’s always wanted.
PRIDE
I went to the melb pride march with MissJ, we go every year we can. It’s a fun day and we get lots of free condoms and free stuff. The dykes on bikes as usual are fucking cool, the sound of a bunch of big bikes that close gives you chills, its great. But when the gay cops and federal cops walk past I don’t clap or wave or any of that crap, as an anarchist I would feel a bit stupid to cheer for someone who’d beat me up or lock me away just as much as their straight workmates.
I am not a breeder, I’m hetro but the idea of breeding freaks me, too much responsibility. If I could afford a vasectomy, id get it. But when I go to pride I love to see the gay couples with kids, I don’t know why but it makes me smile. Its strange.
It was a fun day, hung out with missJ, her mum, met up with missJ’s ex-girlfriend, I had a yummy gelati and got a pocket full of free stuff. It was a fun day.

some things I hate about my work:
pocket jigglers - they walk around the porno shop with one or both hands in their pockets, jiggling. They have no idea that years in retail has given me eagle eyes for theivery and wanking. A guy was in the shop today for half an hour with his hand jiggling in his pocket, luckily I went to lunch and the other guy had to deal with it. As long as its in their pants and they're not staring at anyone, I leave them alone.
stairway starers - I work in a basement porno shop and have a view right up the stairs, and every fucking day we get dickheads who stand just outside the doorway staring down, probably trying to get a glimpse of porn or wishing they had the guts to come downstairs. When I stare back at them and they usually piss off.

confession
I am a shit person to take to a restaurant, just ask my friends
I have very strange eating habits which are to complicated to go into in this blog.
also due to a shit paying job, I hate paying $20 for a steak that is smaller than the one I have in the freezer that was cheaper

paranoid but not in a bad way
Have you ever got a vibe off someone they're trying to see what makes you tick. I've I only just noticed it but I think I've been getting this off someone (maybe more than one) lately. Just little things, its hard to describe but I feel like I'm being tested to see what I'm passionate about. I don't even know if they know if they're doing it.
I'm a pretty mellow person, from working in a porno shop, being a nerd and being treated like shite for 12 years of skool I have learnt to hide my passions/interests for fear of being ridiculed.
its all a bit weird, I'm gunna get back to this later, maybe

on a lighter note:
- Yoshiri Nakamats from Tokyo claims to have photographed and analyzed his every meal for over 34 years!
- Fatal tiger attacks in India have increased due to the popularity of baseball caps, which unlike the traditional hats, expose the neck to a chomping

Brice Mellen of Nebraska beat MortalCombat creator Ed Boon at MortalCombat, and he's blind!!!!

Medical Report:
When the London Underground 1st opened several priests unaccustomed to warm bodies pressed against them, ejaculated uncontrollably

Velvet Revolver
What the fuck is it with this shiteful corporate rock band? If they are as corporate as people say then the people in charge of image fucked up bad. Did they even look at the lead singer, Scott Weiland, what an ugly, hairless, scrawny, drug fucked, no eyebrowed freak this guy is and he looks about 90 and dresses like a 19 year old with ultra tight hipster pants with no visible pubes, not even a snail trail to belly button and even smaller tshirts. He's looks a lot like a stretched chihuahua.

DOGS
What the fuck is it with dogs? It is common knowledge that dogs evolved from an ancestor of the wolf. How the fuck do you go from a wolf to a fucking chihuahua, or any of those ugly little fuckers that don't shut up. Ugly, ugly things. I think that eugenics should be used in regards to dogs to breed them back to wolves and lesser dogs like chihuahua should be put down. (especially ones that look like Scott Weiland)

Its too fucking hot today, its around 40c, its so hot I'm gunna have to insert icecubes into my orifices to cool down. Its hot enough to boil a monkeys bum!
the government says there's not enough evidence of global warming, despite animals changing their habits due to heat (mating, etc), more hot days every year despite not being a il nino year and an almost non existent ozone layer. That's 'cos those fuckers go to parliment in air conditioned limo's that are probably parked in an underground car park, so they never have to go into the heat. FUCKERS!!!!!




2 thumbs up (it'll tickle your colon)

What I did just after midnight on Jan 1st
Met up with a friend, went to a fetish club, made her bleed (consensually of course). It was fun.

CD's & DoNuTS, NiPPLeS & PeNiSeS
In a recent DVD a girl mentioned she measured her nipples by how many CD's she could fit over them, using the hole in the center. After drunken discussions with a female friend (nipple size - 7 CD's) we think that guys should be measured by 7-11 donuts.
A 7-11 donut is approximately 42mm high, (1 & 5/8 inch).
how many are you?

WeiRD FaCTS:
The smallest fully functioning human penis recorded was 15mm in length when erect. That's round 5/8 of an inch

HaNDY PHRaSe:
japanese - "Sumimasen, sugu ni, poruno-ya wa shimaru desu"
translation - excuse me, (this) porno shop will be closing

What is a GReBO? Pt.2
According to “the encyclopedia of the 80s, a decade of I-Deas”
(compiled and produced by I-D magazine)
The cult that wouldn’t die, this hybrid of greaser and biker wouldn’t wash either. You really had to live in the Black Country (ideally Stourbridge or Kidderminster) and spend your days tinkering with your Triumph for real authenticity, but bands like Pop Will Eat Itself and Gaye Bykers on Acid spread this strange, unhygienic lifestyle around the land., leaving no green and pleasant pocket untouched by their grubby trousers, long, lank hair and high decibel mock rock. Liable to react to soap like Dracula to a crucifix, approach with caution but never with detergent.

This Blog is pretty randomly updated, my home computer is my craptop. Its a laptop thats old and probably not worth more than $50, but its got photoshop, word etc so its okay for fukin around. But one virus will kill it dead or cost me more than its worth, so im not connecting it up to the net. My entries will be from net cafes until some nice person gives me a computer or a i get a higher paying job and buy one myself.

What I did for new years eve.

I met up with a visiting friend from the UK, she's a lecturer from a uni over there, very fuckin smart but also very fucking funny and perverted. We had a few drinks talked shit then headed off to abode
Midnight was shit, as usual, had to tell a drunken woman to fuck off after she would leave my friend alone wanting a drunken midnight kiss.
They eventually opened the upstairs play area. I showed my friend around and she liked the equipment up there. After a bit of wandering around, she decided she needed some pain. I had to oblige

here's the full story:
NewYearsEve:
She asks me if IÂ’m okay with this, making sure its cool. I am.
I havenÂ’t done with someone this serious before, usually its friends who like to experiment, not a true pain freak. IÂ’m a bit scared but my mind enters a zone. Its hard to describe, its sort of like when I used to paint or draw. Your mind blocks out everything else but what you are doing. You are aware of your surroundings but they donÂ’t really matter. I am the artist and she is the canvas.
First is the tying up, adjusting of the ropes to be tight but not too much. We chat as I get the equipment ready. I decide not to use the knives, the vodka's have decided that, I do not trust myself with them now. Tonight we will start with the whip. I undo her corset and bra, carefully putting them aside but within view, those fuckers are expensive.
“Are you ready?”
“Yes”
It begins.
I hold the whip tightly, my wrist twists this way and that, warming up. The first blow hits her back, she tenses, preparing herself for what she knows will keep coming. Left, right, left, right, the whip crosses her back, with each blow her pale back reddens. I stop, start, stop and start, varying blows, hard, soft, quick, slow.
But it was during the breaks between beatings she showed her true side. My long nails across her back made her react more than the whip. My long metal rings, the affectionately named eye gougers, scraped across her back, and my pinwheel glided across her back, she bit her bottom lip trying not to show her secret desire.
But I knew, she would be teased, the whip would come back. More and more her pale back reddened but between the beatings she would get what she really wanted. My nails scraped up and down her back, my nails, metallic rings and pinwheel leaving long red lines and sometimes a small amount of blood. But eventually I would go back to the whip again and again, but her scratches made her back more and more sensitive, the breaks she needed between the two got closer and closer.
Eventually we had to stop. I untied her and I helped her back into her bra and corset. I packed away my equipment and sat down. My brain was tired, my arms felt okay, I looked across at her, she was still in the weird high after a beating. We both felt good, our inner demons fed.
The club was packed, it was new years but they where mostly downstairs, drugged up, dancing, & pretty boring. The members area usually closed was open all night, but it was just the usual crowd of boring fetish farts with clothes that cost to much, bondage freaks who when you talk to them are boring and youÂ’d wish they had a ball gag in, drugged up clubbers, naked people and the occasional goth.
We chatted, walked around a bit, the music was too clubby and the dance floor too full. There seemed to be a lot of people just standing around talking. Typical bloody new years, a lot of hype but not much different from the rest of the year, except maybe more people. We went back upstairs, people doing various things in dark corners. Somehow we ended back up in the room from before. She noticed something. Her eyes lit up like a kid on Xmas day. She was drawn to it. It was a sort of kneeler, something that would maybe be used in a confessional in a church. She loved it. She wanted to use it. It was delightful in its sacrilegious perversity. I quickly went back downstairs to get my equipment. When I got back she was staring at it. What do people who donÂ’t go to religious school have to fetishize. One of the few good things about religion is that it gives you so much to twist and fuck up into dirty little fantasies.
The kneeler faced a wall of bars that separated to 2 halves of the room. We began to prepare, I got the equipment ready, and then undid her tops. I went to the other side of the bars. I pulled out a set of nipple clamps and attached them to her already erect nipples, but I put them around the bars. She wouldnÂ’t be able to lean back or move too much now.
As she knelt I decided to not use the whip, itÂ’s was beyond that now. I knew what she wanted. First my metal rings scraped across her back, the cold metal rubbing against her already red back. I pulled out the pinwheel, itÂ’s little spiky wheel made tiny puncture marks across her body. She reacted, she liked it. I alternated them, left, right, left, right, across, up, down, crossing over and reaching around to her ribs.
I love the ribs, they are often forgotten with the back taking most of the abuse, but the smallest touch in the right area can make the toughest person flinch and twitch.
I needed to feel flesh, the use of implements often takes away from the visceral delights of the flesh.
I've had long nails for as long as I remember, itÂ’s just something I've always had since school. Not the skanky coke snorting, nose picking long pinkie nail, theyÂ’re all long and all deadly.
As I ran my nails across her back I felt her body move, every rib, every muscle, every twist and contortion and it felt good, and not just for me. I became more vicious and my hands move across her back, her ribs, her ass, the long lines on her back became dark and raw. I decided she was ready, her body told me, she needed more.
I went into my pocket and pulled out the ring. My nightbreed ring. Fashioned after the one used to peel off the skin of Narcisse in the film Nightbreed. It was nasty piece of work, big, scary and sharp.
The ring ran across her back, she twisted away, then back for more. She offered her back to me and I returned the favor, with both the ring and my bare hand. She arched her back again, pulling away from the pain but yet again offering it when her mind regained control. The body and mind fighting within her, the mental need for pain vs. the instinctual running from it.
My hands explored her body, her neck, ass, ribs, scratching and slicing as I went. The sides and undersides of her breasts where ripe for some pain, like the ribs, an area often forgotten. The ring was beginning to do some damage, her back was raw, my fingernails scraping the skin off. But she still wanted more, and as a friend I obliged. The nightbreed ring tasted blood for the first time, it became thirsty, each stroke drawing small amount of blood, I now had my friendÂ’s blood under my nails. She was half standing, half kneeling, moaning and crying out loud with each slice. She became louder, her body twisting and contorting with each scratch. Her body was a mass of scratches, dark lines with the occasional droplet of blood marking her once pale skin. Eventually she had to stop, I was waiting for a sign, but she wanted more. I became vicious. My mind was focused totally on her, on her body, on her reactions. I knew when to hold back, when to keep going, when to push her to her limits and beyond. She eventually could take no more, her body slowly lowering itself onto the kneeler. I had already slowed and it didnÂ’t take long to stop.
I helped her dress, we hugged and sat down while I packed up my equipment. She adjusted her clothing, she was a bit tender, so it took longer than usual. We sat there in a daze, my body was okay but mind was tired. Eventually when we were ready. It was time for a drink, a vodka for me and a beer for her.
It was a celebratory drink, for the New Year and friendship and trust forged by skin and blood.

I have something wrong with my brain
I have been having constant headaches since early 2005. Sometimes painful, other times just a pressure behind the eyes. Really fucking annoying.
I have had a MRI and a CT scan, im going for blood tests soon, but they are just before Xmas so i wont get results until after new years.

Here is the medical explanation given by a CT scan and a MRI
Report:
There is moderate bilateral subcortical and preventricular deep white matter low density change particularly posteriorly. Minor changes are noted anteriorly. Brain stem and cerebellum are normal.
Conclusion:
Low density changes involvong both subcortical and periventricular deep white matter particularly posteriorly.

Satanic Sodomy

i saw this in a article on the net
"Sin is what makes the sodomite mad. Straights are not in a sin of "abomination" simply because they practice heterosexual sex. Sodomy IS about sex, dirty sex, Satanic sex, peeing in each other's mouths, eating each other's excretion, and licking each others anuses. This is not a "search for belonging." Sodomy is filthy, and sodomy makes its followers sick almost all the time with all manner of trouble in the bowels and with kidney infections frequently. Sodomy is about sorrow and stupidity. So, the guilty hate the innocent."
Why is homosexuality not popular with satanic metal bands, it the one thing that christianity still has major problems with. Flirting with racism & nihilism like some satanic metal bands do is soooo boring, racism is still used by a lot of christians and some churches even base their beliefs on it, and nihilism is a founding but unspoken pillar of the church that keeps their bank accounts full. Sodomy is something that a lot of society has a problem with, lesbianism is something that a lot of people don't mind, but that's cos they think they are the one good dick that'll turn em straight, but after watching them get it one together or course. Fuckin Idiots.
Satanist metal bands should be fisting and felching each others arses one stage and pissing on the crowd. Their gigs should be bacchanalian orgies of flesh and feces. If you've ever been to a metal gig you'd would've seen the crowd is 80% male and they jump around all drunk and sweaty with their shirts off. Looks like a gay bar for guys with long hair.
many years ago when I was working in my 1st porno shop a guy came in, he was a big hairy bearded long haired metal dude with a multiple peircings and a tshirt with an unreadable band name on it. As he walked down the back of the shop I thought he was going to the bondage section, but he passed it. He went to the gay section, more specifically the Bear section (bears are gay hairy chubby dudes). I loved it, thinking about how much fun this guy would have at metal gigs surrounded by what the music he loves and half naked guys.
So all you satanists out there, bend over and take one from the devil, you know its the bad thing to do.