DePReSSioN
i never understood depression, until i was diagnosed with it.
i was on anti-depressants for 2 months, i stopped taking them just over a week ago. I went cold turkey, which you arent supposed to do, but all it seemed to do was make my dreams insane for a few days. which i quite liked.
i also took them because i have a problem with my brain and headaches 24/7 and the doc said it may help speed up my synapses to get them back to normal and lessen my headaches
at first the antidepressants where okay, but gradually i realized that they werent helping, just masking my emotions. i could feel them bubbling underneath trying to surface but couldnt, which annoyed me more than the fucked up emotions i had before taking them. i put on some weight, but that could just be winter, being stuck inside & having a fucked knee that hurts all the time
now im living without them the emotions are coming on strong. its hard to keep them hidden but 12 years of hell at school has taught me how to do that. im seeing a psychologist and dealing with it without the cotton wool brain of anti-depressants.
for some people they work, for me they dont
its going to be a rough ride getting back to some sort of normality but im up for it and fuck anyone who tries to bring me down
Sunday, June 5
Wednesday, February 23
FRuSTRaTioN
I used to be a 50/50 switch, until one day it all changed. Someone I know, an old friend, trusted me, and I became a 90/10 top. And from that day forth I crave for more and its really frustrating.
I can deal with lack of sex, I've been dealing with that on and off for years, I'm shy so it come with the territory. This is different, its like making art.
When I was using various implements and my hands on her it was like I was painting on canvas. It was a canvas made of flesh, a canvas that moved & reacted to my touch but was temporary. Nothing existed outside of her, my focus narrowed sometimes to a tiny point on her, but still sensing the rest of her, the living canvas. My unconscious mind had taken over and the brain was just there to keep the instruments going where I wanted them to. When I finished it was like I had run a marathon, it was like adrenaline without the harsh comedown.
Even my close friends don't get it. I tried to explain it to friend but from the look on his face I know he didn't get it. Its so hard to try and explain it to others. Its not about sex, its about the living canvas that is the human body. Its like a drug that I tried once and now I cant find a new supplier.
I have been told I have a reputation, which in actuality is totally fictional, if only you knew the truth you'd be shocked and probably bored. But that means its hard for someone to trust me because of my fictional reputation. I understand that trust is something not given freely and when it is given it is sacred and you must never betray it, because it is almost impossible to regain. I also need to trust the person I'm doing it to, it has to be mutual. I've looked into various nightclubs, social groups and websites for this sort of stuff but it feels weird. But it just doesn't feel right, not sure why, various reasons but not stuff I can definitely say its this or its that, it just doesn't feel quite right for me.
I've learnt to live with my cravings, always hoping for my fix, until then I'll be thinking of the canvas that is the human body and my next piece of art.
I can deal with lack of sex, I've been dealing with that on and off for years, I'm shy so it come with the territory. This is different, its like making art.
When I was using various implements and my hands on her it was like I was painting on canvas. It was a canvas made of flesh, a canvas that moved & reacted to my touch but was temporary. Nothing existed outside of her, my focus narrowed sometimes to a tiny point on her, but still sensing the rest of her, the living canvas. My unconscious mind had taken over and the brain was just there to keep the instruments going where I wanted them to. When I finished it was like I had run a marathon, it was like adrenaline without the harsh comedown.
Even my close friends don't get it. I tried to explain it to friend but from the look on his face I know he didn't get it. Its so hard to try and explain it to others. Its not about sex, its about the living canvas that is the human body. Its like a drug that I tried once and now I cant find a new supplier.
I have been told I have a reputation, which in actuality is totally fictional, if only you knew the truth you'd be shocked and probably bored. But that means its hard for someone to trust me because of my fictional reputation. I understand that trust is something not given freely and when it is given it is sacred and you must never betray it, because it is almost impossible to regain. I also need to trust the person I'm doing it to, it has to be mutual. I've looked into various nightclubs, social groups and websites for this sort of stuff but it feels weird. But it just doesn't feel right, not sure why, various reasons but not stuff I can definitely say its this or its that, it just doesn't feel quite right for me.
I've learnt to live with my cravings, always hoping for my fix, until then I'll be thinking of the canvas that is the human body and my next piece of art.
Thursday, February 10
FaP FRee FeB & STuFF
FapFreeFeb
I have given up masturbation for the month of February.
You may ask why and to tell the truth I don't really know why.
I've done it before, I lasted around 4-5 months, then 1 night I got drunk and gave up. This time its a set time period. I might keep on going or just give up at the end of the month, we will see at the end of the month.
This isn't some weird religious purity test, far from it. If anyone offers me sex I will happily take them up on the offer but with my recent luck in regards to women I doubt that will happen. I am allowing myself to read books on erotic fiction, books on erotic photography and even a how-to book on erotic knife play.
To tell you the truth, its not that hard to do, no pun intended. When I finally go to bed at night I'm usually so knackered I cant be bothered and in the morning I'm like a zombie. The days that are the hardest (there's that pun again) are the weekend, when I can actually attempt to sleep in. most of the time I get woken up by the factory next door, so I'm drifting in and out of sleep from 8am until I get up some time around 10-11am. The half-asleep time is when my mind wanders and strays to things naughty and hands wander.
A good friend asked why I'd give up something that's not bad for you. I've thought of reasons why I'm doing it, is it masochistic tendencies, a self protest against my mind numbing singleness, something like a body modification but for the mind, or to just prove to people that despite being a foul mouthed, dirty minded sex obsessive I have more self control over my own body and mind than them. It could be all of those reasons and more or it could just be that I'm bored with my life.
I'm on day 10 now, 2nd and 3rd day where bad, but I resisted, but I must remember to not read books on erotic photography before bed.
Maybe next month I'll do something more normal like giving up something that's bad for me. 18 days to go, around 2 ½ weeks. In all seriousness, I think its gunna be easy but I'm still not sure why I'm doing it.
:QuoTeS:
“The only unnatural sex is that which you cannot perform” - Alfred Kinsey
“Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing” - Charles Bukowski
“Sex is 1 of the 9 reasons for reincarnation... The other 8 are unimportant” - Henry Miller
“When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Don't have sex with the authorities” - Matt Groening
QuoTeS from iDioTS
"...the institution of hetrosexuality is a die-hard custom through which male-supremacist institutions insure their own perpetuity and control over us. women are kept, maintained and contained through terror, violence, and the spray of semen." - Cheryl Clarke
"In the male system, sex is the penis, the penis is sexual power, its use in fucking is manhood" Andrea Dworkin
I have given up masturbation for the month of February.
You may ask why and to tell the truth I don't really know why.
I've done it before, I lasted around 4-5 months, then 1 night I got drunk and gave up. This time its a set time period. I might keep on going or just give up at the end of the month, we will see at the end of the month.
This isn't some weird religious purity test, far from it. If anyone offers me sex I will happily take them up on the offer but with my recent luck in regards to women I doubt that will happen. I am allowing myself to read books on erotic fiction, books on erotic photography and even a how-to book on erotic knife play.
To tell you the truth, its not that hard to do, no pun intended. When I finally go to bed at night I'm usually so knackered I cant be bothered and in the morning I'm like a zombie. The days that are the hardest (there's that pun again) are the weekend, when I can actually attempt to sleep in. most of the time I get woken up by the factory next door, so I'm drifting in and out of sleep from 8am until I get up some time around 10-11am. The half-asleep time is when my mind wanders and strays to things naughty and hands wander.
A good friend asked why I'd give up something that's not bad for you. I've thought of reasons why I'm doing it, is it masochistic tendencies, a self protest against my mind numbing singleness, something like a body modification but for the mind, or to just prove to people that despite being a foul mouthed, dirty minded sex obsessive I have more self control over my own body and mind than them. It could be all of those reasons and more or it could just be that I'm bored with my life.
I'm on day 10 now, 2nd and 3rd day where bad, but I resisted, but I must remember to not read books on erotic photography before bed.
Maybe next month I'll do something more normal like giving up something that's bad for me. 18 days to go, around 2 ½ weeks. In all seriousness, I think its gunna be easy but I'm still not sure why I'm doing it.
:QuoTeS:
“The only unnatural sex is that which you cannot perform” - Alfred Kinsey
“Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing” - Charles Bukowski
“Sex is 1 of the 9 reasons for reincarnation... The other 8 are unimportant” - Henry Miller
“When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Don't have sex with the authorities” - Matt Groening
QuoTeS from iDioTS
"...the institution of hetrosexuality is a die-hard custom through which male-supremacist institutions insure their own perpetuity and control over us. women are kept, maintained and contained through terror, violence, and the spray of semen." - Cheryl Clarke
"In the male system, sex is the penis, the penis is sexual power, its use in fucking is manhood" Andrea Dworkin
Thursday, August 5
Monday, March 29
10 THiNGS You MaY oR May NoT KNoW aBouT Me
1 - i am the 7th kid in a family of 9 kids, which for trekkie fans makes me Seven-Of-Nine, sorry my boobs aren't big enough
2 - i decided many years ago during my teens to never have kids, i still dont want them even though my friends and family say im amazing with their kids. maybe thats because i know i can give them back when they poop
3 - i have been ordained on the internet twice, 1st time as Reverend Grebo with the universal life church, and the 2nd time more recently as a Dudeist priest with the church of the dude (big lebowski based religion)
4 - i have 2 uncles who are priests, 1 is a monk who lectures in theology and the other is a christian brother
5 - ive never taken a drug harder than grass, most of that was passive smoking by sharing a house with stoners, but the 3 times ive had cookies i chucked up. i can see why people like it but i prefer booze
6 - from many years working in porno shops i have pretty good gaydar, once you know what you are seeing your world view becomes very different
7 - ever since i was a kid i was obsessed with fortean phenomena, stuff like yeti's, rain of fish, ufo's, dinosaur sightings and alien big cats. i even know someone who's seen a big cat on his country property
8 - both my parents died of heart attacks before i was 30
9 - I've done a few minor art exhibitions with other people years ago, mostly my screen prints and paintings
10 - i drink vodka to get drunk but tequila to celebrate
RaNDoM STuFF
"When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows" : frederick ryder
"If sex is such a natural phenomenon how come there are so many books on how to do it?" : bette midler
"a woman's appetite is twice that of a man's, her sexual desire, four times, her intelligence, eight times" : sanskrit proverb
"sex is a wonderful thing between 2 people, provided that you love to be between 2 people" : amanda keller
"i am 60 years old and they say you never get too old to enjoy sex. i know because i asked my grandma whe you stop liking it and she was 80. she said 'child, you'll have to ask someone older than me'" : carol tavris
salirophilia - arousal from tasting salty bodily fluids
melissophilia - bees & bee stings
hybristophilia - a criminal as a sexual partner
endytophilia - remaining dressed while lovemaking
1 - i am the 7th kid in a family of 9 kids, which for trekkie fans makes me Seven-Of-Nine, sorry my boobs aren't big enough
2 - i decided many years ago during my teens to never have kids, i still dont want them even though my friends and family say im amazing with their kids. maybe thats because i know i can give them back when they poop
3 - i have been ordained on the internet twice, 1st time as Reverend Grebo with the universal life church, and the 2nd time more recently as a Dudeist priest with the church of the dude (big lebowski based religion)
4 - i have 2 uncles who are priests, 1 is a monk who lectures in theology and the other is a christian brother
5 - ive never taken a drug harder than grass, most of that was passive smoking by sharing a house with stoners, but the 3 times ive had cookies i chucked up. i can see why people like it but i prefer booze
6 - from many years working in porno shops i have pretty good gaydar, once you know what you are seeing your world view becomes very different
7 - ever since i was a kid i was obsessed with fortean phenomena, stuff like yeti's, rain of fish, ufo's, dinosaur sightings and alien big cats. i even know someone who's seen a big cat on his country property
8 - both my parents died of heart attacks before i was 30
9 - I've done a few minor art exhibitions with other people years ago, mostly my screen prints and paintings
10 - i drink vodka to get drunk but tequila to celebrate
RaNDoM STuFF
"When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows" : frederick ryder
"If sex is such a natural phenomenon how come there are so many books on how to do it?" : bette midler
"a woman's appetite is twice that of a man's, her sexual desire, four times, her intelligence, eight times" : sanskrit proverb
"sex is a wonderful thing between 2 people, provided that you love to be between 2 people" : amanda keller
"i am 60 years old and they say you never get too old to enjoy sex. i know because i asked my grandma whe you stop liking it and she was 80. she said 'child, you'll have to ask someone older than me'" : carol tavris
salirophilia - arousal from tasting salty bodily fluids
melissophilia - bees & bee stings
hybristophilia - a criminal as a sexual partner
endytophilia - remaining dressed while lovemaking
Sunday, March 14
BLoG, BLue, CoMiCS, BReeDeRS & CLiTS
BLoG
I am back to my blog, not sure why i bother, I dont think anyones reading it, but its a release for stuff thats stuck in my head, so Im gunna try and keep it up
BLue
I went out last night, had a few drinks, had a little bit of dance, hung out with friends, it was fun.
But as usual the next day I feel mentally shit, lack of sleep brings on the headaches and my mood turns to shit. I feel depressed and extremely emotional. Its been like this for a few years, i cant go out without a massive come down the next day, its like being on drugs without the drugs. Having a headache 24/7 sucks. I spent the day reading graphic novels and napping. Blargh!
CoMiCS
2 of my local libraries have a massive collection of graphic novels. I have been borrowing heaps of them, averaging 6 a week. If its a super hero one I can usually finish it in 24 hours, others take longer. Wen i get my shit together I'll review some here
BReeDeRS
A close friend who was anti-baby just had a baby, seeing her and her boyfriend with the baby makes me smile and I can see changes in her. Its cool noticing how she went from someone who freaked out around babies to someone who is so motherly. I have also started to notice how many MILFs are out there. I still dont want kids of my own, but I dont mind if they already have a kid.
People get confused, I am totally comfortable with babies & kids, but i dont want my own. Its a personal thing, i have done a bit of self examination of why i dont want kids, its a mix of things which i cant be fucked posting on a blog
CLiToRiS
I am astounded by so many women who say guys have no idea where the clitoris is. WTF! Its pretty simple, find the wet spot you like so much and go upwards a little, if you get to the pubic hair go back down a little. How fucking hard is it.
I have so many books on sex maybe i should study them all and do my own book. Grebo's advice for the sexually stupid
I am back to my blog, not sure why i bother, I dont think anyones reading it, but its a release for stuff thats stuck in my head, so Im gunna try and keep it up
BLue
I went out last night, had a few drinks, had a little bit of dance, hung out with friends, it was fun.
But as usual the next day I feel mentally shit, lack of sleep brings on the headaches and my mood turns to shit. I feel depressed and extremely emotional. Its been like this for a few years, i cant go out without a massive come down the next day, its like being on drugs without the drugs. Having a headache 24/7 sucks. I spent the day reading graphic novels and napping. Blargh!
CoMiCS
2 of my local libraries have a massive collection of graphic novels. I have been borrowing heaps of them, averaging 6 a week. If its a super hero one I can usually finish it in 24 hours, others take longer. Wen i get my shit together I'll review some here
BReeDeRS
A close friend who was anti-baby just had a baby, seeing her and her boyfriend with the baby makes me smile and I can see changes in her. Its cool noticing how she went from someone who freaked out around babies to someone who is so motherly. I have also started to notice how many MILFs are out there. I still dont want kids of my own, but I dont mind if they already have a kid.
People get confused, I am totally comfortable with babies & kids, but i dont want my own. Its a personal thing, i have done a bit of self examination of why i dont want kids, its a mix of things which i cant be fucked posting on a blog
CLiToRiS
I am astounded by so many women who say guys have no idea where the clitoris is. WTF! Its pretty simple, find the wet spot you like so much and go upwards a little, if you get to the pubic hair go back down a little. How fucking hard is it.
I have so many books on sex maybe i should study them all and do my own book. Grebo's advice for the sexually stupid
Tuesday, March 2
WeiRD FaCTS
CaLeNDaR
I like desk calendars, pulling off a page everyday helps indicate the days passing by more than a monthly one on the wall, I like to look get strange ones and usually from the cheapo calendar shops that pop up around early to mid December. They reduce them to half price or less almost straight after the new year. a few years ago I got one with quotes by the comedian George Carlin, the last couple of years I got boring plain office one, but this year I got one full of poo facts.
from my 2010 desk calendar
PReSiDeNTS Poo
While (now ex-)president george w bush was on a trip to Vienna the white house flew in a special presidential crapper so that his poo could be collected and disposed of in a secure manner. Its to prevent foreign intelligence agencies from collecting information about his health. Government agencies such as the CIA or MOSSAD have used this approach to gain valuable information on the health of world leaders.
I like desk calendars, pulling off a page everyday helps indicate the days passing by more than a monthly one on the wall, I like to look get strange ones and usually from the cheapo calendar shops that pop up around early to mid December. They reduce them to half price or less almost straight after the new year. a few years ago I got one with quotes by the comedian George Carlin, the last couple of years I got boring plain office one, but this year I got one full of poo facts.
from my 2010 desk calendar
PReSiDeNTS Poo
While (now ex-)president george w bush was on a trip to Vienna the white house flew in a special presidential crapper so that his poo could be collected and disposed of in a secure manner. Its to prevent foreign intelligence agencies from collecting information about his health. Government agencies such as the CIA or MOSSAD have used this approach to gain valuable information on the health of world leaders.
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