FRuSTRaTioN

I used to be a 50/50 switch, until one day it all changed. Someone I know, an old friend, trusted me, and I became a 90/10 top. And from that day forth I crave for more and its really frustrating.
I can deal with lack of sex, I've been dealing with that on and off for years, I'm shy so it come with the territory. This is different, its like making art.
When I was using various implements and my hands on her it was like I was painting on canvas. It was a canvas made of flesh, a canvas that moved & reacted to my touch but was temporary. Nothing existed outside of her, my focus narrowed sometimes to a tiny point on her, but still sensing the rest of her, the living canvas. My unconscious mind had taken over and the brain was just there to keep the instruments going where I wanted them to. When I finished it was like I had run a marathon, it was like adrenaline without the harsh comedown.
Even my close friends don't get it. I tried to explain it to friend but from the look on his face I know he didn't get it. Its so hard to try and explain it to others. Its not about sex, its about the living canvas that is the human body. Its like a drug that I tried once and now I cant find a new supplier.
I have been told I have a reputation, which in actuality is totally fictional, if only you knew the truth you'd be shocked and probably bored. But that means its hard for someone to trust me because of my fictional reputation. I understand that trust is something not given freely and when it is given it is sacred and you must never betray it, because it is almost impossible to regain. I also need to trust the person I'm doing it to, it has to be mutual. I've looked into various nightclubs, social groups and websites for this sort of stuff but it feels weird. But it just doesn't feel right, not sure why, various reasons but not stuff I can definitely say its this or its that, it just doesn't feel quite right for me.
I've learnt to live with my cravings, always hoping for my fix, until then I'll be thinking of the canvas that is the human body and my next piece of art.