Scars & Scared

I had thoughts of self harming recently. It scared me. I don’t do that, I have never done that, even at the worst of times. Then why the fuck did my brain make me think that.

This is an explanation. I have constant pain, its in my head, its a hangover that never went away, its not visible except for my permanent resting bitch face. I get told to smile a lot, I cant help it, its my natural face, so fuck off and mind your own business. I’ve been seeing a physio and an occupational therapist recently, getting advice on how to cope with the pain. Id been to one of the session, did a relaxation class, everything was fine. Then the thoughts came into my head. I wanted to cut my face from my forehead to my cheek. It was stuck in my head for 5 minutes. I didn’t like it, its freaked me out. I do not do shit like that. I would never do shit like that. I see enough teenagers with scars from cutting at my work without me thinking like that. I cant think of anything that triggered it, my head wasn’t in much more pain than usual, I was pretty relaxed and doing the dishes. I’m really confused now. Why would thoughts like that invade my head, and I really do mean invade, I DO NOT think like that. When I was a teenager I remember looking at a razor blade once, and thinking of doing it, then I knew that the people making my life hell would win, and I have never contemplated it since, until now.
I am not going to do it, I am never going to do it.

But I might talk to a professional about it next week, it not a nice place for my mind to be.

this is similar to what i was thinking of doing